SPANK CHEEKS

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

STATUS UPDATE

Hi everyone:

I'm really sorry I haven't posted lately. But let me just say this....

Fuck the cops and fuck the system. I don't see why I get popped just because I finally asked this one guy to pay me cash for a blowjob. What the fuck, all these years I've been doing it for free so how is that worse? It doesn't make me a prostitute it makes me an entrepreneur. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So here is the deal...I won't be posting for a little while longer because the women's prison only has like 4 computers and when I get on-line I really only have time to check email. With that said, anyone who would like to email me can email me at misszanna@yahoo.com. When I say that, I mean, Dragulf, email me. Ent.Lawyer..I could use a few "helpful hints" and Pete M..the literature in here sucks. "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" is considered a "new release" on the friggin' library cart they bring around to the cells. So write me.

And Pasquale....why haven't you vistited..there is only one women's prison in Massachusetts. It's not like you can't find it.

I have to go. The only reason I was able to post this much is because I promised Bertha she could have my pudding. And I'm not talking Jello-brand......

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

2007 OSCAR NOMINEES REVEALED


Know how everyone has been raving about Jennifer Hudson's rendition of And I am telling you, I'm not going...

Well, she's right, she's NOT going! Dreamgirls was completely shut out. So the Oscar race is as wide open as Paris Hilton's twat.

Read the nominees here

_____Update: Dreamgirls was shut out for Best Picture....that's what I meant to say....

ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS SCARED SHITLESS

I'm going to bring up an theory that may be uncomfortable for some. TMZ Reports:

As tomorrow's deadline looms for the DNA test to establish the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, TMZ has learned Smith's lawyers are furiously working to halt the test.Sources tell TMZ that Smith's lawyers are now arguing that the order requiring the test was never brought before a Bahamian judge. A Los Angeles Superior Court judge ordered the test, but Smith's lawyers now say it's not binding until a Bahamian judge gives it a stamp of approval.

Sources also tell TMZ that Anna Nicole's lawyers are trying to block the test on grounds that the United States DNA lab hired by Larry Birkhead, the man claiming to be the father of little Dannielynn, cannot legally administer the test because its technicians don't have work permits for the Bahamas.Despite her public statements that she has nothing to hide, Ms. Smith is going to great lengths to block the DNA test.
Does any one else thing something is very very strange about her blocking this DNA test? She’s such a money grubbing whore that you’d think she would let the DNA test prove who the father is so she can soak him for all he’s worth, right? So it leads me to believe there is something she doesn’t want us to know. And I read a theory once that her son Danny could have been the father and I said to myself, “no, not even Anna would be so disgusting”…but now I’m not so sure. How many pictures have you seen of Anna all over her son? Yea, it’s not a pleasant thought but why else would you go to these lengths to block a DNA test? Because like I said, proving the father just means more $$ for her…and you know she’d be all over that like a bucket of KFC.

STRIPPERS CHANGED BRAD PITT'S LIFE




People reports:

On Brad Pitt's road to Hollywood, it helped to have strippers in the passenger seat. Talking about one of his first jobs at Newsweek's annual Oscar roundtable Saturday in Hollywood, Pitt said, "My job was to drive them to bachelor parties and things. I'd pick them up, and at the gig I'd collect the money, play the bad Prince tapes and catch the girls' clothes. It was not a wholesome atmosphere, and it got very depressing."

But it was not without its perks: Just before quitting, Pitt made a critical show business contact. "This girl – I'd never met her before – was in an acting class taught by a man named Roy London," a famous acting coach, he said, according to excerpts in this week's Newsweek. "I went and checked it out, and it really set me on the path to where I am now."

He added: "Strippers changed my life."
It can get depressing? Well, I suppose things could take a turn for the worse when a client gives you a dollar and asks for change back. Or when the sweaty, fat bald man with stains on his wifebeater thinks you’ve got a “connection” or when someone’s wife shows up at the door when you’re in the middle of a lapdance and you he runs out and you have to make his wife give you the money while she calls you a whore and stares at your tits. I’m just guessing, though.

What? Don’t you judge me.

Friday, January 19, 2007

JOHN MAYER SHARES HIS THOUGHTS ON GRAY'S ANATOMY


As you may know, Isaiah Washington fucked up again the other night at the Golden Globes by using the word "faggot" in a press conference. But John Mayer has the perfect solution! John says:

ABC may fire Mr. Washington, and it seems as if the pressure to do so is mounting by the day. They may also choose to placate all parties involved with some well-constructed press releases and the soothing touch of time, but in my mind, neither outcome succeeds in making any strides in promoting the tenets of tolerance and understanding.

I would like to offer my suggestion for a solution; produce an episode of Grey's Anatomy in which Mr. Washington's character, Dr. Burke comes out to his friends and colleagues as a gay man!!! What better way for an actor to get to the roots of his discrimination than by portraying the very the subject of his own ire for the remainder of his contract? That'll learn ya!

This is awesome. Click here to see John's suggestion on how the scenes should play out.

RAQUEL WELCH IS STILL HOT

I don't care if this woman is in her 60's. She is stunning. Yahoo reports:

M-A-C Cosmetics, the leading brand of professional cosmetics and makeup artist brand of choice, has named Raquel Welch, award-winning actress and screen siren, its fourth M-A-C Beauty Icon. Ms. Welch, well-known for her own artistry skills, and M-A-C Cosmetics closely collaborated on a colour collection available at M-A-C locations worldwide, February 2007.

To celebrate the launch of the Raquel Welch Beauty Icon Collection -- On January 17th, 2007, M-A-C Cosmetics will host an intimate dinner honoring Raquel Welch as their newest Beauty Icon. The exclusive evening event, attended by many New York notables, at Gilt in The New York Palace Hotel celebrates the legendary, international sex symbol.
So that picture up there is Raquel from Wednesday Night's "intimate dinner". Picture courtesy of me, because I stole it myself from Perez Hilton. Which is okay. Because Perez is Cuban and my father is Cuban and I showed this picture to my dad last night and I said, "I hope I look as good as her when I'm her age." My father just laughed and said, "You'd be lucky if you looked that good now."

So, I had to steal that picture. It's called retribution.

BLIND ITEMS TO BE REVEALED TODAY

Our favorite entertainment lawyer from Crazy Days and Nights will reveal some blind items today. Here is a teaser...

Tuesday November 14, 2006 JACKASS - Male rock star..I want to say 5 number ones, but Google says 6..solo act...hotel elevator after a concert..groupies (Band-Aids to my buddy Cameron and to my friend Kate who always makes me smile) pressing items to be signed into the elevator...(1) a woman in her 70's is on the elevator and a hotel guest..(2)me.... (3) singer's manager..the woman in her 70's has no idea what is going on and would rather be anyplace else..(btw I have no idea what she was doing up so late) girls are screaming and trying to claw their way to the elevator..singer grabs his crotch and says, "yeah girls want some of that don't ya?" and then turns to the woman in her 70's and says "I bet you could use some too huh?"..By this time he has accumulated a handful of Sharpies and begins to throw them out the elevator and the girls go scrambling for them, falling down as they do so..The manager hits the close button on the elevator and the singer reaches over and pushed the door open button and says.."not so fast..I love to watch them crawl..right where they belong.."then he lets the elevator door close..
Guesses:Adam Levine, Billy Idol, Fred Durst, Meatloaf

I'm going to go with Fred Durst or Adam Levine. Ain't nobody falling over Billy Idol and the only meatloaf I'd fall over is my mamma's. Cuz that's some goooooood shit, I'll tell you what.

click here to read the rest....

Thursday, January 18, 2007

CLINT EASTWOOD IS DEAD


Not really but he’s dead to me. City Rag reports:

At the Golden Globe Awards Clint Eastwood showed some serious signs of plastic surgery. It looks like he's spent a fist full of dollars ironing-out his trademark squinty eyes and rough face that have filled the screen with a quiet steadfast passion for many decades. Bummer.
What. The. Fuck. I’m thoroughly disgusted. Look at those pictures. LOOK AT THEM. Now tell me, does the pansy on the left look like he’s going to say, “Do you feel lucky? Well..do ya punk?” No. He looks like he’s en route to his scrotum shearing appointment and in the mood for some “Lemon Lift” herbal tea. Fuck. I don’t even know what else to say. Dude...that there is Dirty Harry..what the fuck happened to Dirty Harry?

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.18.06

Even negative attention is attention..Lohan enters rehab (yeeeah!)Fergie works on her camel toe (ibbb)

Angelina Jolie’s reversal of fortune (agent bedhead)

Watch a very nervous T.R. Knight from Gray’s anatomy on yesterdays Ellen show (pop on the pop)

Posh flashes her crotch at Tom Cruise (seriously omg)

Sacha Baron Cohen kills off Borat (celebitchy)

Yes, Virginia, there is a Racist Clause (junkiness)

Is Britney “Fed-Up”? You decide. (celebrity mound)

Beyonce’s dad is pissed off….again (Idlyitw)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

FOX TV DEFENDS PAULA ABDUL

Pr-inside reports:

LATEST: Bosses at Fox have leaped to the defence of singer-turned-AMERICAN IDOL judge PAULA ABDUL, insisting her bizarre appearance on a Seattle morning news show was the result of technical difficulties.

Videos of the incident - showing Abdul mixing up her words and bizarrely gesticulating - surfaced on online file sharing site YouTube on Thursday (11JAN07), prompting speculation alcohol or medication were to blame.

However, the network maintains she acted soberly and professionally under extremely difficult studio circumstances.

In a statement bosses say, "All of us at Fox have tremendous respect and admiration for Paula Abdul. She is a consummate professional who always gives 100 per cent to everything she does.

"Last week, during a satellite press tour there were intermittent technical difficulties, including severe audio issues in which multiple stations were speaking to her at once.

"Rather than getting angry about these difficulties, or stopping the tour, Paula forged ahead and decided to have fun with the increasingly challenging situation. Unfortunately, because reporters and viewers were unaware of the situation, her humour was misconstrued."

Okay. You look at the video below and you tell me if you see a technical difficulty. Falling forward, bug-eyed, and slurring and laughing at your own jokes is not a technical difficulty. If it was, then my attorney wouldn't hae had to garnish my fucking paycheck to pay for all the "technical difficulties" I've had.

Monday, January 15, 2007

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.15.07

Being a Playboy Bunny isn't what it's cracked up to be....Hugh Heffner's cheerleading squad and fake erection (celebitchy)

Our Boston buddy's celebrity recap (IBBB)

Kate Moss is an exhibitionist (agentbedhead)

Stop or my mom will shoot up! (junkiness)

Britney Spears trys her hand at parenting (yeeeah!)

Tyra Banks has "pimples that are alive" (pop on the pop)

LESBIONIC CATFIGHT


Well, it seems that Angelina and Madonna share more than just a love for adopting third world oprhans. I was wondering why they started their verbal fisticuffs over adoption processes and motives. But now I think we can shed some light on that. The Daily Mail reports:

Little wonder Hollywood is lapping up this delicious catfight between two of the world's biggest female stars, especially as, if rumours are to be believed, it is lent added spice by something of a Sapphic frisson.

The Mail has learnt that a lipstick lesbian is writing a no-holds-barred book in which she will describe in graphic detail how she was a lover of the stunning actress and the singer at the same time.

Jenny Shimizu, a 39-year-old model, will allege that Madonna flew her around the world for secret liaisons before she married the film director Guy Ritchie. Their affair, she says, coincided with an equally passionate fling with the leggy Miss Jolie.

Well, I guess sometimes you eat at the five star restaurant known as The Angelina and then sometimes late at night, when no one is looking, you go dumpster diving in the snatch of a gap-toothed has-been. And for some reason I just got a mental image of a Hazmat uniform and the expression, "Cover me...I'm going in"

MARTIN LUTHER KING: I HAVE A DREAM

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO PLAY JENNA JAMESON?

I hope this movie goes direct to video because a “life story” of Jenna Jameson isn’t going to be worth watching unless it actually is a porn, and my days of getting off inside the movie theatre are over.

I lied. No, they’re not. PR Inside reports:

The stunning actress has been handpicked by adult movie legend Jenna as her personal choice for the lead in a film adaptation of her book, 'How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale'.

Jenna is currently in talks with producers and hopes filming will begin next year.

The X-rated actress told Britain's FHM magazine: "We're looking hopefully at Scarlett Johansson. She's my choice. I think she's beautiful." Scarlett has already vowed to strip off for the cameras if the right role comes along, saying last year: "I'm not opposed to doing nudity - it would just have to be the right project." There's certainly been plenty of nudity in Jenna's life - the racy star has appeared in around 100 porn films and is one of the highest paid adult actors in the world.

She may be ten years younger than 32-year-old Jenna, but sultry Scarlett, 22, already shares the porn queen's sex symbol status.

'The Black Dahlia' star, who is famed for her curvy figure, was voted Sexiest Woman Alive by readers of American men's magazine Esquire last year.

Both actresses also have trademark blonde hair and are renowned for their glamorous image.
Oh yes. A Cautionary Tale. I was going to make a “Jenna’s Tail” joke but I lost it when my mind wandered more toward anal bleaching, double penentration, and knowing how to position yourself for the money-shot. Then I thought about how Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy can blow himself. My ADD can really fuck up a post harder than John Holmes can fuck a….hey look! A butterfly…

Friday, January 12, 2007

DINA LOHAN IS FINGER FOOD

Page six is reporting:

WHILE Lindsay Lohan is off filming in Hollywood, her mom, Dina Lohan, is busy showing where Lindsay might have picked up her moves. Dina, spotted in a "really short dress and boots," made some fellow diners at Kobe Club lose their appetites Wednesday night. A guy sitting next to Dina was "all over her," we're told. "Dina had a napkin in her lap and hiked up her dress," our source says. "The guy put his hand under her napkin . . . It went on for like five minutes." After the guy realized he was being watched, he stopped whatever it was he was doing. A rep for Dina said, "That's a disgusting lie and it's completely untrue."
Yea, that’s what I say after I get caught in the men’s room of Han Dynasty after too many mai tais. Or in the car in the parking lot. Or behind the dumpster in the ally. Because that’s what classy broads do..it's called discretion. I don't care how many pictures there are of me on other people’s camera phones that say otherwise.

BRITNEY SPEARS IS A GIVER


Britney Spears is a humanitarian. US Magazine Reports

The new year has put Britney Spears in a charitable mood.

The 25-year-old pop star had just withdrawn a large amount of cash from an ATM on Wednesday, and was stopped at the L.A. intersection of La Cienega Boulevard and Third Street when a homeless man approached her vehicle.

“Britney rolled down the window and handed the guy $300,” says the source. “She said, ‘Good luck and happy new year!’ The guy almost had a heart attack.”

Adds the source, “Britney wants to do good — for herself and the world. That’s what she’s all about.”
Meanwhile…back in K-Fed’s world:

Britney Spears' estranged husband Kevin Federline is on such a tight budget since he broke up with the pop star, he tried to return some clothing she bought for him and collect the cash.

In late December, the former back-up dancer tried to return nearly $15,000 worth of pricey Libertine and Mastermind Japan clothes that Spears purchased for him.

According to In Touch magazine, Federline returned the items at exclusive Los Angeles store Maxfield, which included a jacket that cost $1,620.

The 28-year-old wanted a cash refund for the merchandise, which still had the original tags, but when the clerk refused, he settled on a store credit.

A source explains, "He was looking for pocket money. Now he's going to try to sell the credit."
Once you’ve bee giving this K-Fed your money for last few years, giving 300.00 to a homeless man is pretty much the same thing. And just like K-Fed that 300.00 was used on booze, drugs, a homeless prostitute and a few value meals from McDonalds.

PROMOTIONAL PICS: POTC AT WORLD'S END

From Ain’t it Cool:

These images pretty much speak for themselves. Disney is gearing up its publicity behemoth for PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END & I'm told these represent some permutation of theatrical display fodder (posters, banners, etc.)

PLEASE NOTE: there's a chance this work may not be final. If true, this is still an interesting glimpse into the prmotional development process.