SPANK CHEEKS

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I'LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO

The last time I saw a demonic grin like the one here on Jessica Simpson, it was on the face of a warty old woman intent on baking Hansel and Gretel alive. I therefore conclude that Jessica Simpson is a witch.

I heard that after the photo op at the T-Mobile Sidekick III launch, she immediately pronounced a curse on Eva Longoria, cackled with glee, and sped off on a broomstick. I can't say for sure that Jessica is actually part of a coven, but I did find some "eye of newt" in her jacket pocket when I was coat check girl at Bistro 45.

Okay, maybe not a "coat check" girl exactly -- maybe more of a "hang out in the coat closet and rifle through people's belongings until the wait staff catches me" kind of girl. Anyway, the only people carrying around eye of newt in their pockets are witches and Asians. And Jessica Simpson is not smart enough to be an Asian.

And, as a side note, there's a very good reason bridesmaids dresses are made of satin: to make the bridesmaids look fat and ugly, so that the bride looks prettier than everybody else. Why anyone would voluntarily wear satin is beyond me. Unless, of course, you wanted to showcase the indentation of your navel like Jessica here, which by the looks of this photo could hold a regulation-sized croquet ball.

8 Comments:

Blogger ZeZe said...

is that really jessica simpson?
It completely doesnt even look like her.
Her pouch is Huge! I have nothing creative or witty because Im just in awe of her wretched facial expression..

3:52 PM  
Blogger jane's eyre said...

That really doesn't look like her, I agree. It looks like she has more than a touch of the 'tard. Gaping maw, ample roof of the mouth showing, floopy eyes.

Hm, on second thought, I guess it DOES look like her.

4:58 PM  
Blogger pete mclochness said...

is that sandra bernhart?

11:31 PM  
Blogger gamma-normids said...

Looks like Nicollette Sheridan...
but it is Jessica, here a "better" picture of her (at least it's the same ugly dress...)

12:41 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

I think someone snuck up behind her and jabbed her in the anus with a red hot poker right before they took the picture.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Pretty Patterns said...

GAH!
Are you sure thats JSimp? Soooo doesnt look like her... wow. Just wow.

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

rate female picture

5:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

picture rate

5:34 AM  

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