LEATHERY-SKINNED COKE WHORE WINS AGAIN

Boy, life is all roses and caviar and scott-free law-breaking for celebrities. Even an ugly, shark-toothed, leathery-skinned celebrity like Kate Moss. Believe it or not, the charges against her (of having used illegal drugs at a London recording studio last year) were dropped today. The Crown Prosecution Services issued a statement claiming that

... in the absence of any forensic evidence, or direct eye-witness evidence about the substance in question, its precise nature could not be established.

Now, after translating that statement from "The Queen's English" into "American," it reads like this:

Even though we have videotaped evidence of her hunched over some white lines with a straw up her nose, we can't say for sure that the stuff she was snorting was cocaine. It might have been baby powder. Or Tide detergent. Or ant-killer. Bottom line, Kate Moss is famous, and she let me touch her boobies. Twice. So fuck you! Americans are fat.

The British judicial system sucks.