LINDSAY: FULLY UNLOADED

These are truly some of the saddest-looking boobies I've ever seen. Like Kathy Bates kinda sad.

How the hell does this happen to a nineteen year old? A nineteen year old who's supposed to have breast implants, no less? Maybe Lindsay's rack fell victim to Teri Hatcher's gaffer tape? Or maybe the pull of gravity is four times that of the Earth's where she's standing?! I just don't know! All of the sudden, I feel simultaneously cold and dizzy. Is that what medics call "shock" setting in? Oh, God...

I vaguely remember staggering away from the computer, half-blind and nauseated, knocking over furniture in a myopic attempt to escape the dejected squid flapping out of the side of Lindsay's dress. It took me nearly half an hour of alternating shots of corn whiskey with VCR head cleaner to regain my strength. Moonshine and huffing - the "poor man's panacea", if you will - is perfect for clearing your mind of things like "the memory of Lindsay Lohan's breasts," or "your own first name" and "bowel control." I highly recommend it.

P.S. Nice self-tanned armpit. Your pits can never be "too tan," can they?


an east side shout out to the spankalicious Drunken Stepfather for the Lohan picture