Saturday, June 10, 2006


Teri Hatcher is claiming that her bosom is completely natural, aided only by a fashion fix known as "gaffer tape." She tells You magazine

Any... Hollywood actress knows how to manipulate gaffer tape to mush, lift and
hold your breasts like a bra. When you're forty... that's how you can
acheive perfect cleavage.

Perfect cleavage? Perfect cleavage?! Apparently, she and I differ on the definition of "perfect cleavage." If gaffer tape is the culprit in this photograph, I can only assume she used it all wrong, or she's just old and floppy and gaffer tape doesn't work for shit. It looks as though she has taped her breasts both "down" and "away from each other." Yikes.

I think it's pretty much common knowledge that if you're over 40, you are NOT permitted to wear low-cut dresses. In fact, if you're over forty, you really shouldn't even be permitted to leave your house. In preparation for my big 4-0, I've already begun a strict diet of sauteed silkworms, lotus flower leaves, and daily injections of human growth hormone. In addition, I grind up baby placentas and put them in my night cream.

I know what you're wondering -- and no, placentas aren't as hard to find as you would think. Oddly enought, most people aren't that keen on hoarding them. I'll put on my fake nurse's scrubs and rush around the maternity ward, muttering things like "dammit!" and "I need that STAT!" I'll wait until the coast is clear, then barge into the delivery room and say, "Dr. So-and-so needs that placenta to run some prelimanary tests" (you can't go wrong with that line). I usually get my hands on two or three placentas before the staff catches on and asks me to leave.

Also, a word of caution: you can only hit up the same hospital twice before being deemed a "security threat" and arrested. Just so you know.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's the deal on tits over a certain's not the age,it's the use of them. If you have made the mistake of having children and worse than that breast fed them your tits will sag. If you get fat and lose weight your tits will sag. Then again you can be 19 and have tits that just sag. Empty wallets I call em.. it does not mean that because you are over 40 or whatever the fuck age,that you will have saggy tits..

5:21 PM  

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