SPANK CHEEKS

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

TOP TEN WAYS TO TURN HIM OFF

You know, guys, sometimes we ladies just don't feel like "doing it." Maybe we're tired; maybe we have a headache; maybe we want to stab you in your sleep because you tracked mud in on the carpet and left a pen in your pocket that subsequently exploded in the dryer. Whatever the reason, it's okay to take a break from carnal relations. If you're having trouble dissuading your man, allow me to present today's Wednesday Weekly Top Ten:

TOP TEN WAYS TO TURN HIM OFF

10. Audible diarrhea

9. Make sure to use enought toilet paper to clog the toilet after your "audible diarrhea." Walk out and hand him the plunger.

8. Flesh-colored undergarments

7. Six-hour shopping spree at your local mall

6. En route to your local mall, correct his driving, his choice of outfit, and his "loud caveman breathing." And eject whatever CD he's listening to and replace it with your Ani DiFranco Live.

5. Make him hold your purse the entire six hours. Ask him, "Does this make me look fat?" after every piece you try on, even if it's just a hat or a pair of socks.

4. Tell him you find male pubic hair offensive and hand him a disposable razor.

3. Describe your menstrual cycle in excruciating detail; flow density, uterine cramping, unusual color or smell, accompanying gas, etc.

2. As you're unzipping your pants, say "Warts aren't contagious if you douche with vinegar, right?

and the number one way to turn him off:

1. Movie night: Captain Corelli's Mandolin

7 Comments:

Anonymous smelly pirate hooker said...

Captain Corelli's Mandolin is the best movie ever made!

11:46 AM  
Anonymous ZeZe said...

And she plugged the Vinegar!

Yah!
I take it the rain made it for an especially romantic nap time escapade eh?

Well he thought so...

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Somebody is feeling mean today... Maybe ya should stop posting stories about Spitney Pears and their like...

4:34 PM  
Anonymous TrannyGranny said...

Shit, the only one that would even slow me down is the wart thing, and that just means she won't get eaten before the grudge-fucking throwdown of the century happens.

Try things like "my estrus is perfect for a new baby" or "does this look foamy to you?"

Maybe I should stop taking things as a challenge.

4:55 PM  
Anonymous naughtius maximus said...

how about "Don't mind the smell, I wipe back to front."

7:44 PM  
Blogger Showgrrrl said...

@ Tranny - *GAGS* rotflmao... good god! Does this look foamy to you?
You rock!
Next time I don't wanna put out, I'm coming for advice ;) lol...

10:42 PM  
Anonymous easy e said...

Estrus is supposed to look like ricotta cheese, right? Lumpy ricotta cheese?

That makes me want some lasagna.

8:52 AM  

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