SPANK CHEEKS

Sunday, June 25, 2006

URBAN DEVELOPMENT

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were wed last night at The Cardinal Cerretti Memorial Chapel on St. Patrick's Estate. Nicole wore a Balencgia gown; Keith was radiant in "butter-colored highlights"; and Russell Crowe attended, but didn't bash anyone in the face with a telephone. I think the bride was happy, but the botox has long since waxed the life from her face, so it looked more like she was grimacing in the pictures.

All in all, a pretty boring event, considering the chapel was cliffside and Russell Crowe was a guest. I was betting that alcohol + paparazzi + cliff would spell disaster for Russell, but he must have taken his Xanax, because all he did was break a champagne glass over his wife's head after she tried to tell him he'd had enough to drink.

Spankcheeks is giving the marriage six months before Nicole discovers hubby #2 is also a closet gay, like Tom "I Love the Cock" Cruise before him. And how do I know he's gay, you ask? Easy.

A) That first picture up there.

B) He posed in Playgirl with just a guitar over his wiener. PLAYGIRL.

C) He has more highlights and pomades in his hair than Seacrest on Idol Finale night.

D) He's marrying Nicole Kidman.

Like a moth to a flame, the gays seem inexorably drawn to Nicole. Maybe it's that her frozen expression will never betray them in a televised interview. Maybe it's that she possesses the sinewy figure of a 12-year-old boy. Who knows? I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter why the gays love her. The only thing that really matters is that Russell Crowe is a telephone-wielding BADASS.

5 Comments:

Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

Where is Keith's white feather boa?

9:40 AM  
Blogger easy e said...

nice bolo tie, colonel sanders.

10:56 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

I tried going around wearing just a guitar on my wiener and keith urban wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. He had been hiding in the bushes of some daycare all morning and said he'd be glad to 'play a tune on my guitar'. If you know what I mean.

11:51 PM  
Blogger Showgrrrl said...

Shite... I've heard of a meat whistle, but a meat guitar? COME ON, KEITH! GET IT STRAIGHT when you're trying to pick up young boys...

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keith Urban is not gay in fact he is the opposite. I have heard where he used to be a womanizer before he met Nicole. A past girlfriend of his said she lived with him for 7 years and he ran around on her with different women. And he used to go with a model named Niki Taylor before he dated Nicole.

2:04 PM  

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