SPANK CHEEKS

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

CHAD LOWE HAS A "DRUG PROBLEM"

Hillary Swank blames the failure of her marriage on husband Chad Lowe's substance abuse problem in the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. She tells the magazine,
"I knew something was happening but I didn't know what... When I found out, it was such a shock because I never thought he'd keep something from me. And yet, on another level, it was a confirmation of something I was feeling that was keeping us from being completely solid."
She further elaborates -- without naming which substance was the culprit -- that he is now sober after struggling with the addiction for nearly nine years.

I don't know why everyone seems to think that having a "drug problem" is such a big friggin' deal. Really -- I have a child, a full-time job, and own my own home -- all while managing my "addiction" to crystal meth. How else could I have the energy to deal with a baby and work and keep you up-to-date with celebrity gossip, all while maintaining my fabulously slender figure? Not with diet and exercise, I can tell you that!

Nothing keeps me as alert and coherent and fashionably trim as crystal meth. Except maybe VCR head cleaner or model airplane glue. Now there's an eye-opener! And whiskey helps me "take the edge off." But it's not a problem. "Neighborhood Watch" has been a great free babysitter, and actually my full-time job is at the meth lab which used to be our home, so it's really worked out all the way around, for everyone. Especially my kid. Hillary Swank is just an idiot.


Source

18 Comments:

Anonymous easy e said...

Maybe he was addicted to "HORSE tranquilizers." Get it? Horse?

9:17 AM  
Anonymous jane's eyre said...

Yeah, that would be the only explanation why he would have married a horse. A MALE one at that.

10:13 AM  
Anonymous lily said...

Yeah, coke is for posers. Bring on the meth!

10:17 AM  
Anonymous naughtius maximus said...

Well, look at the bright side. He is now free to pursue a career of mediocrity, taking roles in "cinemax after dark" soft porn. Before you know it he will be joining the ranks of Eric Roberts, Mickey Roarke, and the fat baldwin.

10:39 AM  
Blogger LadyJane said...

I much prefer the marajuana cigarettes, myself.

Dammit, sweetcheeks, where the fuck are the Doritos?

10:58 AM  
Anonymous jizm said...

@lady jane- I'm a bong hit man myself. Bring on Lucky Charms straight from the box and beef jerky!

11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Y'all are just mean. I think Hillary Swank is beautiful!

11:28 AM  
Anonymous jane's eyre said...

Oh hi, Hillary! Whatsa matter? Your feedbag ran out of oats?

12:23 PM  
Blogger Macius_Sarcasticus said...

He dumped her after she broke her leg at the Preakness. He was on the 'horse' and she is a horse. I guess what i'm trying to say is, that's a lot of equine for any relationship to handle.

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

You guys are so mean to the woman! Neigh!
Someone told me the newest thing to do is mix hay and hairspray and meth... I dunno, maybe they huff it? people are strange!
Drugs are bad, Mkay?

12:33 PM  
Anonymous dquared said...

LOL @ Sarcasticus!

Whose gonna brush her tail and feed her sugar cubes now?

1:46 PM  
Anonymous slim jim said...

Drugs are awesome.

8:34 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

oh, you're all just a bunch of neigh-sayers.

remember there are no carbs in tequila. *hic*

3:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We use to call her Hilary Skank, she had just one her first Oscar and came into Saks 5th to return her "free" creme. When it was pointed out to Ms Skank that the jar was marked Gratis (part of the Oscar basket) she tore the tag off and said "give me a credit now"...grrrr!!!!

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

won oh the shame...

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

won oh the shame...

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

karate class

3:32 AM  
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3:39 AM  

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