SPANK CHEEKS

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I'M BACK, BABY!

That's right, boys and girls -- the bitch is back! Well, not really back. "Sort of" back. In that my computer is still boxed up... and in the wrong city... and I'm writing this from my parent's study, instead of my new home.

You see, the U.S. Navy moved us; apparently, that great military installation only operates with moving companies who employ clinically retarded lab monkeys and drunks. Supposedly -- "tomorrow morning" -- our stuff is supposed to arrive; and if it actually does arrive, I promise to get my vintage 1997 Dell back to crankin' out the good stuff by Sunday. It takes a little while to "prime" her, you see. My computer actually runs off coal, much like those old-timey steam engines or big Titanic-esque ships. I have a crew of poor immigrants that lived in my basement whose job it was to shovel coal into the disk drive and sing up tempo ethnic songs for my amusement. Christ, I can only hope the Navy got us a storage unit that was air-conditioned, come to think of it. Those bastard foriegners were really hard to stuff into boxes. And nothing smells worse than dead immigrants. Especially week-old dead immigrants.

Except for Paris Hilton's puss, which courtesy of Dlisted, I happen to have right here!

21 Comments:

Anonymous ZeZe said...

Hey spanks good to see you are still alive.
Unload those immigrants and tell em to get crackin'.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree, put those bastards to WORK! If you need to entice them with a little rice, try that... oh, and maggots look similar... just tell them theyre 'special dancing rice' they might like that better.
If that doesnt work, bribe them with Paris puss plus... plus being the tampon string show version.

Glad to see you made it in one piece

8:19 PM  
Blogger Showgrrrl said...

So, is that only, like, HALF of a beef curtain?
NASTY NASTY SNATCH on that girl... ugh.

12:32 AM  
Blogger Showgrrrl said...

Oh, and I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BAAAAAAACK!! I've been bored to tears all week. Literally. Tonight it even got to the point where I cried because my boss had the balls to phone me AT HOME, AFTER 9 pm, for no good reason other than to bitch me out for a 'mistake' I made - but only because the fucktard wasn't more SPECIFIC in what he requested.
And I cried because I haven't had a better outlet for my insensible rage ALL WEEK! So, you've made me smile tonight. And the pic of Paris' Snatch made me feel a bit sick to my stomach, so you know I'm on the mend! :D Thanks Cheeks!

12:37 AM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

All week I've been waiting at the front door wagging my tail and panting, all ready to give you a big sloppy lick, but I'm hiding under the bed now, because as soon as I heard your car pull up I got so excited that I peed all over the floor. Please don't be mad I couldn't hold it.

P.s. starting the day hung over and looking at Paris's 'cabbage roll' is very cruel, and it was well placed because I never saw it coming. I get to the bottom of the page and like bang check out this clam... "It looks so angry"... rrrrarrreerraaarrrr...

8:57 AM  
Anonymous jane's eyre said...

Welcome back, 'cheeks!

11:22 AM  
Blogger LadyJane said...

I missed you, you hot vixen.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

thank god, finally a voice of sanity retuns to the cyber world!

coulda done w/o that pic, tho.
can we post the weiner again?

welcome back!

4:17 PM  
Blogger Tranny and/or Zanna said...

Yayyyy!!! You're back!

And you took our link off. BITCH! Juuuust kidding!!! ; )

Zanna

8:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just found you befor your move. You are hilarious. Very witty. Now on to Paris. Why does she think she has a pretty vagina. Does anybody want to sit in her chair after she has left the building without the protection of a good antibotic? And last but not least, was that a callous on her hooch?

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

And that's a tampon string isn't it...ISN'T IT. Oh God.

11:07 AM  
Anonymous easy e said...

OH. MY. GOD. You're really back? Really, truly back? I can finally stop cutting myself!!

10:01 AM  
Blogger LadyJane said...

See everyone in a couple of weeks! Gone for a hugely overdue vacation...

8:21 PM  
Anonymous TrannyGranny said...

Fuck you bitch, I fucking .....oh, wait, where am I ....Spanks? you back? It's so dark....

Get moved the fuck in and entertain me!

hehe, glad you made it safe cousin/niece.

9:09 PM  
Anonymous jesus said...

It's about fucking time! Prime that bitch and let's get a move on already!

8:13 AM  
Blogger Trish said...

Paris is sooo gross. she reminds me of a man..Eww..:)

10:49 AM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

I think the worst trick anyone can play on someone is to leave a picture of Paris Hilton's cuntersnatch on the front page of their blog and just leave it up for days and days and days and days, so everytime someone logs on to their site to see if they are back; they get a fat slap in the face with two disgusting meat flaps and an unknown superfluous croth string... and the rest of their day is completely fucked.

Thanks sweet-spanks you are truly a gem.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to masturbate with a glove made of sharred and broken glass to ease my pain, and try to get through this now fucked day.

12:21 PM  
Blogger litelysalted said...

Hee! Cuntersnatch!

I second everything from the previous comment. This is cruel and unusual. They wouldn't even make prisoners at Guantanamo look at that stinky vaginny for this long.

2:33 PM  
Blogger spankcheeks said...

I haven't abandoned you!

I'm stuck at my in-law's house for the next week and a half, and they have a computer that's even older than my coal-fed Dell... and it's a fucking MAC. So, sorry, folks -- I don't do "MAC" or "retarded," as it were. I'm chomping at the bit to get back to my loyal minions.

I will be back.

6:59 PM  
Blogger spankcheeks said...

P.S. Cave bacon looks best early in the morning... I can smell it now...

7:02 PM  
Anonymous ExMilitary said...

Did you pay ANYTHING for that move??

10:35 AM  

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