SPANK CHEEKS

Thursday, July 06, 2006

ONE NIGHT IN PARIS... IN A NURSERY

Paris "Wonky Eye" Hilton divulged to the London Mirror that she is ready to bear offspring -- "hopefully, within the next five years" -- and that she believes that she will make a fantastic mother. She says,
"I know in my heart of hearts I would be a great mother.... I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel that I would have a lot to give to my children."
Because, you know, having a kid is pretty much like having a chihuahua. Or a kinkajou. You take it shopping, it bites your face, maybe shits itself, and then you lose it for a week until some asshole looking for a couple of bucks shows up at your front gate. What's not to love about that? Kids, like tiny raccoon monkeys, very nearly raise themselves.

She also elaborates on her position on "shacking up."
“One-night stands are not for me. I think it’s gross when you just give it up. Guys want you more if you don’t just hand it to them on a platter. If they want you, then they will wait. You have to make them work for it.”
Really? They do? I think that's fucking brilliant, coming from the mouth that has holstered more cocks than Andy Dick on Gay Pride Night. Hearing Paris' thoughts on "motherhood" and "chastity" is like listening to Hilter pontificate on "Jewish rights" and "racial equality."

And I'm fairly certain there's a videotape out there of Paris giving it to Rick Solomon "on a fucking platter." Now that's both matronly and demure. You just aren't ready for motherhood until you've videotaped yourself boning some bird-chested douchebag, and then renounced first-date fucking to the media. It's the true "litmus test" of family planning.

Source

P.S. The only time I have ever seen a "wonky eye" that rivaled Paris Hilton's was on that runaway bride, Jennifer Willbanks. Included below is a picture of Willbanks, as a point of reference for your independent research.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!!!!

9:16 AM  
Anonymous easy e said...

wonky eye-- that's priceless.

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
wait, wait BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..AHAHAHAHAHAHA
HA HA HA I caan an't breeeeathe HAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAAAA HAAA HAAA
seriously, you're killin' me.

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

THIS IS NOW MY FAVORITE GOSSIP BLOG EVER!!!!

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She's got a lot of what to offer? Time with a nanny? Millions of little bedazzled collars? Platinum pooper scooper?

I'm confused... does she want to have a kid or a monkey? Who cares as long as it doesnt have her feet

11:08 AM  
Anonymous daquared said...

Holy shit *wipes tear* that's the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

11:19 AM  
Anonymous naughtius maximus said...

A mother? A sea turtle would make a better mother than her.

I pray every night and at all three meals that something horrible will happen to her.

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why couldn't the Hilton's just buy her a new, better eye? Wonk-wonk.

1:37 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

(FOX) Tonight on "The Simple Life": Paris discovers she's pregnant. Hilarity insues.

and we were worried about the spears/k-fucked kids (can i say fuck here?) ; )

3:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have a question
if you see pictures of paris hilton before she was a famous heiress (when she was just an heiress), her eyes look much different, they look black almost...
contactS? devil incarnate? what gives?

7:41 PM  
Anonymous delicious said...

Paris has custom made colored contacts that cost nearly $3,000. I'm not kidding. But colored contacts don't fix a lazy eye, no matter HOW much they cost.

8:27 PM  
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