SPANK CHEEKS

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

THE PLAYMATE BRIDES

Just a heads up, before you read this and think, "Christ, ol' Cheeks is really lettin' herself go... this post looks not right... And for the love of God, why is she never, never wearing pants?" Well, it's because I'm working on a MAC, you ungrateful bastards, despite my previous disavowing of all things "retarded." I hope somebody held Steve Jobs down on the playground and farted on his face repeatedly in grade school, because pre-2000 MACs now rank just below "communists," "Navy movers," and "Paris Hilton" on my "Things I Really Fucking Hate" list.

So, no picture, no links, and no source. And some old news: don't marry a soft-core porn star. Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are calling it quits after two and a half years of reality-televised bliss. They seemed so perfect for one another! An overexposed playmate and a... what the fuck was Dave Navarro before her? Some kind of musician? The Goo-Goo Dolls, maybe? Wow, what a faggot! I can't believe anyone who was a part of the "Goo-Goo Dolls" hasn't been a victim of a hate crime. Or maybe ten hate crimes.

And PETA's classiest spokesperson, Pam "Heppie C" Anderson, is finally tying the knot with a gas station attendant from Smyrna, Tennessee. At least, I think that's who it was, from the picture. It might have been a played-out white-trash cock-rock mullet named Kid Rock. Either way, I predict months of marital happiness and several cringe-inducing sex tapes before they end up in court, arguing over the proceeds of said sex tapes.

That's all the "spank" I can squeeze out of this piece-of-shit MAC for today. I'm going to go look for my pants now.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have your pants right here...

10:08 AM  
Anonymous jane's eyre said...

In a show of solidarity for her pants-less situation, I propose that all the Spankcheeks readers refrain from wearing pants until our beloved blogger retrieves said trousers. Now, don't be surprised if you get a few strange looks. After all, I'm sitting here in a thong in the nursing home where I work. If I can do it, so can you!

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

A mac that runs? That sucker is worth $!!! I have never heard of one that ever worked. Amazing!


P.S. If I were your pants you would never get me off ya!

11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should have said that she looks so becoming in those pants and if we were on her we'd be coming too

11:44 AM  
Anonymous MegP said...

You should get zeze to give you my OD link to the latest Britney video... that would be a post it itself, no words required! As zeze said, they really hit the nail on the head with that one.

11:46 AM  
Anonymous easy e said...

Now, my proclivity for not wearing pants can be a declaration of devotion to a cause, not another reason to arrest me for being a pervert.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous jane's eyre said...

easy e,
That's right, just tell the police officer, "But it's for a CAUSE!" and he'll let you off the hook. Look at Pam Anderson. She can go topless in the window of a department store and not get arrested for public nudity. But it's for a CAUSE!

2:44 PM  
Anonymous easy e said...

@ jane:

Cops don't believe you - for some reason - if you say you're protesting on behalf of someone named "Spank Cheeks." They might buy "Mrs. Molly Teaweather" or "Dame Adeline Dubouis," but not "Spank Cheeks." Trust me.

3:15 PM  
Blogger spankcheeks said...

I don't know that saying the MAC "runs" is technically correct... it's really more of a sporadic, ill-tempered, completely random display of characters and images that I have absolutely no control over. Then it will lock up for hours at a time and require a manual shut-down. This happen six or seven times a day, whether you're playing solitaire or penning html codes. No ryhme, no reason.

I tried a blood sacrifice and the tears of a virgin, but it appears that nothing will appease this archaic vestige of the Apple Era. In other news, however, it's pretty easy to make virgins cry. Just so you know, in case you're involved with something pagan.

10:34 AM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Wow, thank-you for changing your front page. Phew... everytime I log on to your site I keep my hands over my eyes and open them real slow until I know the coast is clear. Thank God for Mac's... if it means not having to be fucking disgusted all day.

Dave Navarro is gay, and Kid Rock isn't... hmmmm.

I heard Kid Rock's proposal went something like this.

Pam, We've known each other for more than a year now. During that time, we've shared so much-- our hopes our dreams our fears. When I met you, I wasn't thinking of starting up a seriuos relationship, but my admiration and respect for you quickly blossomed into love. You're my best friend and confidante, and I can't imagine spending the better part of the next half a year without you. I know I have been vague about taking the "the next step," but all that has changed. Your patience, loyalty and love have made me see the world in an entirly new light. It's a place where true love can exist. So I ask you, Pamela Anderson... Will you spend the next six to eight months with me?

I know it seems sudden. But when I look into your eyes, I see all the things I never used to want. A big wedding. Kids. A multi-million dollar house with a 300 foot jacuzzi, 8 car garage. Tennis courts, indoor pool, bowling alley... a house that I'll probably have to move out of in about 7 months when you find out I'm gay and sleeping with your brother Tim.

I remember telling you early in our relationship that I never wanted to get married. But sometimes I stay awake after you've fallen asleep and just look at you and stroke your hair. I can't believe what a lucky man I am. When the moonlight hits your delicate features just right, I see an angel. An an angel who will turn cold and indifferent to me in 5 months because of festering resentment over my lack of hygiene, constant binge drinking, joblessness, and how I'm always trying to video-tape the two of us in the shower. But if I could only convince you of how beautiful you look on film I swear we could make hundreds. God, you're so beautiful at this stage in your life.

Did you know that most of my friends are amazed that a woman of your caliber would even be seen with me, much less be interested in marrying me? When I take a step back and look at things, there's no reason someone so luminous should be interested in a guy like me. Of course, I always point out that your looks will be pretty well faded by mid 2007.

Do you remember that time we stumbled onto the bridge in Georgia overlooking a moonlit river, and we just held each other close, watching the waves gently lap on the shore? I cherish all of our memories, and I want to share more until our relationship is reduced to screaming fights, endless hours of legal battles, and an attempt on your part to stab me with a potato peeler.

Marrige is a big step, so please Pam Anderson... Say you'll spend the next six to eight months with me.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

macs rule.
welcome back, 'cheeks!

6:24 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

hey, cheeks, you've got the navy thing going on...
my BF was put on active duty this week (reservest-sp?).
scared to death for him.

yeah, totally off any topic, but just had to say it.

7:48 PM  

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