SPANK CHEEKS

Thursday, July 06, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF -- FOR A WHOLE FUCKING WEEK


Dear Loyal Fans,

Big, burly movers are coming to my house tomorrow morning, to box up my things and ship them to Virginia. What I really mean to say is... my computer is going with them. And I already know what you're thinking -- sorry, but I don't have a laptop. Yes, I am poor. No, that is not a goiter, and fuck you, my hair will grow back. Eventually. Maybe.

For the next five or six days, you're going to have to spank it without any assistance from me. May I suggest one of my favorite gossip blogs: Yeeeah!. By far, the spank-worthiest of them all.

Also, a tip of the hat to Dlisted, The Bastardly, and Egotastic! Check them out during the upcoming dry spell.

Finally, in a pinch, a little Drunken Stepfather could always beat it out of you. Whatever. Just hold fast to your dreams and know I will be back, angrier and more confused than ever before. I love you all.

Your truly,

Cheeks

P.S. I told you already, IT'S NOT A FUCKING GOITER.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Dragulf said...

Is that a goiter?


We will miss ya!

10:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nooo.... *sniffs* whhyyyy? Why cheeks, why?

10:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm weeping onto my keyboard right now. time without you is like time without hugs and love. did you ever know that you're my hero?

9:28 AM  
Anonymous jane's eyre said...

It's not a goiter, it's just a really big zit.

Oo! Oo! Dibs on popping it!


P.S.
Good luck on moving to your new pad!

9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Moving from Florida to Virginia is like moving from Wisconsin to Minnesota; you're cookin' now cheeks. Florida trailers can get pretty pricey when you have a meth habit. See ya in a week. If you don't get hit by a combine and die.

9:59 AM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

I happen to love Virginia. Cheeks if you get the chance you have got to visit Poplar Forest-it's a mind-boggle. It's located in Bedford county near Lynchburg.

Poplar Forest offers 40-minute guided tours of Thomas Jefferson's octagonal house. House tours also include the hands-on history tent which offers activities from Jefferson's era, including brickmaking, building a bucket, and writing with a quill pen. There is also a kid's corner with puzzles and coloring pages. Because at Poplar House they know how irritating it can be to have children screaming and throwing things while you are concentrating on your 'Bucket'; and let's face it, nothing spells fun like writing with a quill pen.

Visitors can walk the grounds with brochures describing the site and the enslaved workers. They can also view the exhibits at the restoration workshop, archeology laboratory and slave quarter site.

There are no lift or elevator in the house. There are 7 stairs to the front door. Visitors may use wheelchairs and walkers inside the house. However. staff cannot assist disabled visitors up the stairs. Please call ahead to inquire about special arrangements.

Picnic tables are available on site, and there are vending machines with drinks and snacks.

SMOKING, PHOTOGRAPHY and VIDEOGRAPHY are not permitted inside Poplar House.

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ninja, sounds like fun,
get really stoned
and watch a bunch
of old people tripping
over each other. Do they
rent walkers? Will they help
you up the stairs if you
are wasted? For sure you have
to get wasted so you can
try out the Bucket you just
made. Right?

12:02 PM  
Anonymous TrannyGranny said...

I have to wake up!!!

I read that thru the first time and thought it said "My big burly mother is cumming on my blouse, tomorrow I need to put things in my box and shit in my vagina. That was a sorry lapdance, very poor. And now, my hairy goiter will fuck you."

I just gave up right then and there. I can only assume your sanity is challenged by your move. Good luck, and remember that public restrooms are gay hangouts.

12:11 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

I think 'walkers' are free at the door.

No the staff will not help you up the stairs if you are wasted. Half of them can hardly make it up the stairs themselves. Watching them is like watching "Cocoon 3", and the other half either knew or were related to Thomas Jefferson. And don't try to be some kind of altruist and help one of them up the stairs because as soon as you get to the top of the stairs and you think, "O.k. cool... they made it." NOPE! a tumblin' they go, and if there happens to be others behind them it's like playing Domino's with dentures. They are very breakable people and there is nothing more eerie than the sound of withered bones cracking. Good thing I'm a fast runner, cause I got the hell out fast. I'm still pissed about it though- in all the shrieking confusion I forgot my 'Bucket'.


P.s. I had the same thing accept it was growing from my neck and it wasn't a 'goiter' either, it was a fetus with a penis... that's what the dermatologist told me after like 25 visits, and this was confirmed when my now acquired OB/GYN saw a tiny penis on the ultrasound screen. At first I was all choked-up and giddy like, "oh, that's so cute, look at the little pee pee", and we giggled and I felt like crying, and then I realized there was a penis growing in my neck and I wanted it the fuck out. So I told my recently acquired OB/GYN (Elizabeth) to abort the shit out of it! But she wouldn't because she had some moral issue concerning third trimester D&C's. And I was really pissed because it wouldn't have been third trimester if my fucking dermatologist told me it was a fucking fetus-penis sooner! So I ended up getting talked into going to this back alley on Taylor street in Chicago with a sign above the door which read, "Le Bistro" and this Big Burly woman with a Jesus tattoo on her left bicep peeked through the door and was like, "What do you want?" and I said, "There's-no-such-thing-as-a-free-lunch". and she opened the door and I handed her 20 dollars in food stamps, a gram of coke and a box of Newports,-- she grabbed me by my extremely thick throat and gragged me into this dark room and stabbed the fuck out of my neck with a coat hanger. That seemed to do the trick except now it looks like someone stabbed the shit out of my neck with a coat hanger. And I never found out what happened to the fetus. So like I said before-- it might not be a 'Goiter'.

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Cock-ninja, do you write science fiction? That was better than most Stephen King novels...

5:29 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

That is because Stephen King is Pro-life.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous ZeZe said...

You've been gone for an hour spanks and I already miss you!

Dont forget about me!
:-*( <-- tear.

1:47 PM  
Blogger LadyJane said...

When you get back, girl, prepare to be ravaged all over your tasty little body...

9:16 PM  
Blogger litelysalted said...

Whine... Please come back...

7:35 PM  
Anonymous jane's eyre said...

Okay, today is officially a week, I demand that you start posting! Nevermind those boxes! Screw settling into your house! All you need to take care of is getting your internet connection set up, pull your computer out, and you're all set!

I SAID NOW, DAMMIT!

1:09 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Ummm... It took 1 week for Forrest Gump to run from the Pacific ocean to the Atlantic ocean. How long does it take to get from Florida to Virginia? I hope you made a lot of stops at cheap motels, or perhaps you prefer camping... yeeee
haaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Come back.
Come back to Jamaica man.
You are much missed.

1:28 PM  
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