Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Macaulay Culkin celebrated his 26th birthday with girlfriend Mila Kunis, a case of Maker's Mark, and a mohawk.

I did a little research, and found that it takes the average person exactly 2250 mililiters of whiskey to repress the memories of 2003's "Party Monster" and 1994's "Getting Even with Dad." So, with the help of a little something I call "math," we can deduce from the number of bottles in that case the precise number of people that actually showed up at his b'day bash. Macaulay boozed it up with... let's see... where x is represents number of partiers, and pi, and y = 750 ml (per bottle)... wait, use the quadratic formula.... um, three people.

God knows how long it actually took to find three people who could stand an evening with Macaulay Culkin, even if there was free whiskey around.

Alert spankee Italian Stallion recognized that the bottles in Macaulay's crate are actually Hennessy, not Maker's Mark as I had previously reported. Both liquor bottles have red tops, but I should have known better and paid more attention. I just assumed that if Macaulay was carrying around a crate of Hennessy he'd have a geri curl and a clock on a gold chain around his neck. Not a mohawk. Who knew?



Anonymous GEMBLE said...



7:26 AM  
Blogger spankcheeks said...

Jesus Christ, Gemble, try decaf in the morning.

7:38 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

gemble- Not so much the yelling, as much as the way you massacred "people".

How long has my Ukranian war bride been dating the penis named Floyd?

Biatcho- What happened to your worthless adversary Danielle on that other site.
You guys were going at each other tooth and nail on the K-Fed thread and BANG, she sees the light and does a complete 180.

7:50 AM  
Anonymous xxx said...

Nothing says cool like a faux-hawk!

8:47 AM  
Anonymous Stallion said...

Hey Spanks, I'm not trying to correct you, at all. But the box of liquor he has is Hennesey, which makes the story even funnier........

Makers Mark, has red wax as the finishing touch on their bottle, it looks like good ol Hennesey to me............

Ex Bartender, sorry........

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Zanna said...


You are an ex-bartender?


9:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your right, Stallion! I'd expect you to know your liquor. ;)

9:43 AM  
Anonymous Italian Stallion said...


For 8 fun years..........

9:48 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

Liquor in the front

Poker in the rear



9:49 AM  
Blogger spankcheeks said...

Thanks Stallion! I updated the post in light of this new information.

You make one swell private dick. And I mean that in every exaggerated sexually suggestive way possible.

10:16 AM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

I re-iterate:




10:43 AM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

I was kinda hoping he was dead... or home alone. Nah, dead would be fine.
I sadly will admit to having fast forwarded through Party Monster. I didn't know what it was about at the time. He is a really crappy actor/fag. Maybe he is TC's taller brother?

This site needs something.

I remember what now!


11:18 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

He has Meryl Streep sinus eyes or he is high all the time. Maybe both. How did he end up with a fine piece of ass like Jackie?

12:18 PM  
Anonymous jesus said...

Glad to see you didn't shy away from the racism after all the commie pussies tree-hugging fags complained about your hating on black people yesterday. A gerry curl is funny, doesn't matter if you're white or black.

1:45 PM  
Anonymous tp21 said...

I've never heard of Party Moster or Getting Even With Dad. I did see Richie Rich, and that sucked bigtime.

2:46 PM  
Blogger biatcho said...

if you had a girlfriend with as annoying a voice as this cocklick has you'd have just as much, if not more liquor & heroin as possible to drown out the noise. or try to kill her with.

6:26 PM  
Anonymous TRANNYGRANNY said...

A faux-hawk is the white mans jerry curl, it's the new mullet. As the former proud owner of a fucking REAL mohawk, I would enthusiastically invite all "Spankees" to get mediveal, fuck, medeval, FUCK, medieval FUUUUUCCCCKKKK SOMEONE FUCKING TELL ME HOW TO FUCKING SPELL THAT FUCKING WORD GODDAMNIT, THAT WAS GOING TO BE FUCKING FUNNY AND NOW I FUCKING HAVE TO FUCKING GO GET MY FUCKING WEBSTERS (not the tiny nigger) SO I CAN FINISH THIS POST FUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!!!

10:02 PM  
Anonymous remmy rifkin said...

I have a tiny nigger right here you can borrow. I don't need him back until the cotton harvest.

10:33 PM  
Anonymous remmy rifkin said...

Make sure you watch him close -- you know how niggers like to steal. Just keep him in the broom closet until you need him for something.

Wait, you need him for spelling? Fuck that, borrow this tiny Asian who manitains my rice paddy. He's a great speller. Ugly as hell and can't drive worth a shit, but fucker can spell.

10:35 PM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

tranny, tyranny, tyrannosaurus rex -
Maybe this fucking website: will you with your quandary

Just trying to help.

P.S. Zanna is sitting on my lap right now, bouncing up and down, facing me...

and we're both nekkid.

Zanna says hi.

I love your fucking blog!!!

10:48 PM  
Anonymous TrannyGranny said...

Oh, Wulrus Cumbutt, you know that isn't true. I saw you wrote that at almost midnight, and I know that from 10:30 (when your mom is finally sound asleep) until is when you and your dad cruise myspace for underage boys to play "Confessional" with you. Nice to see you are incorporating fully grown women into the fantasy though, that IS a step in the right direction.

11:11 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

granny- Yup, you're right.
The whole thing was a bold faced lie!

Except where I said,

I love your fucking blog!!

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