SPANK CHEEKS

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

JESSICA SIMPSON DEEP THROATS THE MAYER


Jessica Simpson has a new boyfriend! Try not to squeal through the hand that's covering your mouth: it's John Mayer, the musician responsible for such chart-toppers as "Your Body is a Wonderland" and "Bigger than My Body." You may better remember him as the inventor of "The Musical Enema." Little known fact: the next time you're irregular, try listening to Any Given Thursday from Track One to Track 14 and see if your colon doesn't empty right there on the spot.

Mayer is co-headlining a tour with Sheryl Crow, and Jessica is expected to be front and center at the Jones Beach, N.Y. stop tonight. She was already in New York promoting her new stinkbomb, A Public Affair, but somehow a "bruised her vocal cord" caused her to lose her voice.

A bruised vocal cord? Below are the three popular theories behind Jessica's "bruised vocal cord" enigma:

A. Somebody punched her in the throat for stealing their Nana's dressing gown and wearing it in public.

B. A Jewish mobster head-butted her in the neck for stealing his sunglasses.

C. John Mayer has a cock the size of a salami.

All very plausible theories, although I have to admit that I can't believe that anyone who wrote "Daughters" has a penis at all.



Source

16 Comments:

Anonymous easy e said...

I'll eat your puss if that'll put me back in good graces.

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF?

6:50 AM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

I still want to go with option C. I'll bet he DOES have a giant cock. It's always the ones you never expect to have a big one. It's like getting the good prize inside a box of crackerjax.

7:15 AM  
Anonymous xxx said...

I never find a giant cock in my boxes of cracker-jacks. *sighs*

8:47 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

In the photo, she seems to be implicating that, "John Mayers cock reaches all the way to here!"

8:58 AM  
Anonymous Italian Stallion said...

I'm not making this up, seriously.

So, I was in Atlantic City for a bachelor party for my best friend. I was the best man and decided to have it at the Borgata. After a crazy night of partying and no sleep, we were leaving the Borgata that next morning. It was about 10 in the morning and I was still really wasted. I think I dropped like three rolls that night and the last was around 5 in the morning. Anyway as we are getting ready to go down the escalator to the valet we see John Mayer. Being the wasted asshole, I start screaming "Your bodys a wonderland" in the same muffled voice that he does it, over and over. Everyone is looking at me like an idiot because no one recognized him. He turned around and gave me a fucked up look, like you asshole. He looked like he had been up all night himself. Then we all took bets on what car the valet would bring to him. Nobody won, it was a Land Rover.........

And that's my John Mayer story, guess you had to be there...........

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

I have a giant cock in my box right now.

Okay, that's not true.

9:39 AM  
Anonymous dsquared said...

OH... MY... GOD... These people have STYLISTS they PAY to dress them! Has the whole world gone stark raving MAD?

9:42 AM  
Blogger ApacheRose said...

Dammit, is she wearing some curtains from the 70s??

Jesus H. Christ, she's turning into a matron before our very eyes. Gross.

Spanks: I'm hoping the moderating will bring a quick stop to the trolls. I used to post as Ari over on the 'fish until all that handle-stealing shit happened and I was a main target for a while. Stupid f'ing trolls...

Tranny: I'm still denying the phone sex allegations. Not denying that I talked to him on the phone, OR the sex. Just a total categorical denial of the PHONE SEX. Ok?

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Thank the gods she Finally SHUT THE FUCK UP! I hope it's permanent.

11:12 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?

12:19 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

I'll have to go with answer 'C'.
Definitely sounds like 'Cockyngitis'!!!

ninj

2:29 PM  
Anonymous tp21 said...

I hate those ridiculous big glasses everyone is wearing these days! They looked stupid in the sixties and they look stupid now.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous TrannyGranny said...

ApacheRose....

Deny as you will, I am just thrilled that if that is your first name, your middle must begin with "p", making you last name...Cock!!! I love it!

Such innuendo.

10:05 PM  
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