SPANK CHEEKS

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

PARIS' NEW ALBUM MAKES HER CRY


Paris Hilton is (dis)gracing the cover of the upcoming issue of Blender magazine to plug her new album and desconstruct the myths of her acerebral narcissism. Us Weekly has garnered some choice snippets of the inside interview:
On people’s misconception of her:
“I’m not selfish, I’m not spoiled. I’m a really kind, giving person. I just want to make people laugh and entertain people. And when this record comes out, people are gonna change their f—kin’ tune. I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.”

On her image:
“I’m always playing a character. I don’t talk like this really – like a baby. I don’t act like myself in public, because I don’t really want to show everyone the real me. Because I have no privacy whatsoever. The only thing I have is who I really am. Maybe that’s why I do the baby voice, without thinking about it.”

On her maternal grandmother, Kathy Richards:
“We were, like, best friends. She would say, ‘You’re my Marilyn Monroe. You’re my Grace Kelly. You’re going to be the most famous woman in the world.’ I didn’t even know what ‘famous’ meant.”

On her single “Stars Are Blind”:
“People go crazy. They love it. Everyone’s like, ‘Who is this?’ I don’t tell…I think when people don’t know it’s me, they won’t judge it. But if they know it’s me, then they’ll be like, ugh. They wouldn’t even dance.”

On men wanting to take a picture with her:
“They say they want a picture [with me], but they really want to touch me. I hate it when they f—king touch me.”

On her mother’s lessons about oral sex:
“My mom told me that you get those holes in your face, craters – she knew this person who had craters. I’m like, ‘What is that from?’ She’s like, from giving blow jobs.” “I’m like, ‘You get craters?’ And I totally believed her. She’s like, ‘It’s from sucking.’ I’m like, ‘Ewwww!’ I told my boyfriend – he’s like, ‘Why don’t you ever do that?’ I’m like, ‘Because my mom told me you get these craters.’ And he’s like, ‘Paris, you’re 19. You’re allowed to do this.’”
If this interview doesn't fill you with enough "Blind" rage to start hurling desk chairs through your office window, you should probably head to a physician immediately and request a prescription for Thorazine. Or maybe save your doctor the trouble and see about scoring some poison hemlock. Worked for Socrates. And he was as mad a fucking hatter.


Source

27 Comments:

Blogger twzzlrgirl said...

Oh, come on, everyone knows that blowjobs are great for your skin.

And Spanks, I did throw a few chairs out my window at the very idea that someone this dumb is even walking around. What the hell happened to natural selection???????

8:11 AM  
Anonymous easy e said...

Natural selection has been eliminated with the advent of affordable and easily available vaccinations. Sorry, Twiz. Diluting the gene pool with our advanced medicine.

I wouldn't let that cum-guzzling lying whore near my cock. Sure she doesn't suck dick. SU--UURE.

8:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everything about Para-site makes me want to cry. Or laugh histerically.

9:32 AM  
Blogger twzzlrgirl said...

we need a vaccine for stupidity.

So people won't dance to her song if they know it's her? Tell you something about your popularity, Paris???

9:43 AM  
Blogger ApacheRose said...

Damn, I feel so cheated! My mom never talked to me about blow jobs.

Given her less-than-pleased reaction to my coming home from a date with a really spectacular hickie, I'm thinking "sucking" of any sort was not on her acceptable activities list.

Thank god I'm such a rebel. And no longer sixteen.

9:48 AM  
Blogger sonya said...

So she's really not a vapid, STD-ridden whore, she just plays one on TV? Wow, she really is smart. How did I ever doubt her?

Hi Apacherose!

9:54 AM  
Blogger LadyJane said...

Personally, I think her mom should win Mother of the Year for her advice on oral sex. Wow. What a woman.... So glad other mothers guide their daughters in the right path. Just the other day, when I was explaining felching to my five year old, some old lady in the supermarket gave me a look... I mean, what gives? Fuck... She needs to know. Am I right?

10:16 AM  
Blogger pinky_nip said...

This chick is worried about getting "craters" from a blowjob, but oozing herpes sores are "ok".

10:21 AM  
Blogger Anastasia Beaverhausen said...

I dunno. After reading this, why Paris is the way she is makes more sense. I almost feel bad for her.

Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mi-i-ine...


...HELP ME!

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Paris is as pristine as snow! Thank the gods for Windex! It cures Everything!

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She looks like Madge meets Moulin Rouge... in drag.

3:07 PM  
Anonymous easy e said...

Nice bra.

4:01 PM  
Blogger sonya said...

I think the Pillsbury Doughboy might have this specific picture of Paris on his wall--for the delectable iced muffins, of course.

4:21 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

The magazine should change it's name to 'Blunder'.

The word 'Fuck'comes from Middle English (in the times when Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the Canterbury Tales) which means 'to plow'. One morning Paris was awoken by her grandmother at 5:30 a.m., who said, "Paris I'm so proud of you, now go out there and 'FUCK' the fields!" True Story. I can prove it.

ninj.

4:33 PM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

I believe ya.

No proof necessary.


Why?



Because you're a ninja!

5:09 PM  
Blogger twzzlrgirl said...

Ahhh, references to Canterbury Tales.

Ninj, you're sexy and smart...

6:04 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

ah, yes, canterbury tales. i remember my english teacher telling us there were some good "dirty parts". somehow, that book was NEVER in the library.

i've read so many different origins of that word, wish i could remember any of them.

anybody ever read " The Rape of the APE (American Puritan Ethic)" by none other than Allan Sherman (hello muddah, hello faddah, here i am at-camp granada...)?

it was absolutely hilarious. if you ever get the chance, it also mentions "history" of the word "fuck".

i'm willing to bet ninj not only knows of it, i bet he's read it.
damn it. now i've turned this into some hideously deformed bookclub!

7:07 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

on topic:
whatever happened to "just close your eyes and think of england"?

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Stallion said...

I want to light that Bra on fire...........

7:14 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

stallion, not even fire could eradicate the critters she's got crawling around her (and i DON'T mean the kinkajou and ferret)!!

7:28 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Shucks Twizz if only you knew how much you excite me and how easily you make me... Oh shit... down boy... down. ((PHEW)) What was I saying?

7:52 PM  
Anonymous gemble said...

YOU WERE SAYING, "I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYTHING THAT HAS A VAGINA. OR AN ORIFICE THAT RESEMBLES A VAGINA. OR MAYBE A MAN'S ASSHOLE, AS LONG AS HE'S WEARING A SKIRT."

8:04 PM  
Blogger Anastasia Beaverhausen said...

Ok, so craters are from blowjobs and STD's are from acne, right?
Phew! I always thought it was the other way around, but boy am I relieved! Thanks Mrs. Hilton!!

8:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm convinced that Paris Hilton isn't even human. Blindingly stupid sexbot much!

8:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought fuck was an acronym for "found under carnal knowledge". Or the abbreviated version of Federfuck.

8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

rate pussy pic

1:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

rate woman picture

2:16 AM  

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