SPANK CHEEKS

Monday, August 28, 2006

SPANK CHEEKS DOES THE EMMY'S

I don't know why I even bother watching the Emmy's. It's clearly not a popularity contest, or even a contest at all. I'm pretty sure that they just put all the nominee's names in a hat and draw backstage before the show. It should be renamed "The Awards Raffle for Television Celebrities."

In the first fifteen minutes "Karen" from Will and Grace and "some old dude" from the West Wing both won the best supporting actor awards. Who fucking watches Will and Grace, unless it's on rerun at one a.m. and your roommate "borrowed" all your porn? And the West fucking Wing? I don't know a single living person that actually watches this show. I thought it had been off the air for two years. I finally quit watching after "Elaine" from Seinfeld won an emmy. I mean, I love Seinfeld, but come on.

The highlight of the show (besides The Office winning best comedy and Jack Bauer winning best actor in a drama) was Stephen Colbert calling the audience "godless sodomites" and demanding that Babylon "kneel before the golden idol." Tori Spelling managed to make it to the show at the last minute -- seated comfortably away from her frog-eyed mother -- but there were no awkward encounters or catfights. Yawn.

If you're interested in who actually won what, click here. Now, for what everyone really cares about: "The Golden Paddle," the Spank Cheeks Emmy Awards.

Looked Really Ugly:

Megan Mullaly. So ugly, in fact, I'm not even including a picture. Imagine a flight attendant's uniform with a touch more cleavage. Sad, old, National Geographic cleavage.

Chintziest Ruffled Dress:

Sandra Oh. She could have used a few more baubles. Not enough going on here with the ruffles and the ruching and the necklaces and bracelets.


Sluttiest Cocktail Waitress Dress:

Vanessa Minillo. Nice "spangles." I had a band uniform with some of the exact gold detailing.

Ugliest Pantyhose Back Ice Skater Costume Detailing:

Cheryl Hines

My New Lesbian Love Interest:

Evangeline Lilly. Now this is old-school glamour. Thank God she didn't coif her hair into those retro-fifties waves everyone else was sporting.

Sexiest Dress:

Katherine Heigl. Hands down. Not wild about the hair, and someone should have told her about the chicken-cutlet inserts replacing the padding. It looked a bit lumpy underneath. Vintage Escada, fit like a glove, might make out with her if I'd been drinking and Evangeline wasn't around.

Biggest Waste of $55,000:

Tyra Banks. Homegirl looks wide. And boring. And I fucking hate bows.

Best Vampire:

Ricky Gervais, Co-Producer of The Office.

Hairiest Man Cleavage:

Simon Cowell. Italian mobsters everywhere heave a sigh of relief.

22 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is Ricky Gervais Kiki Dunst's dad?

7:39 AM  
Anonymous easy e said...

The emmys were fucking boring. Even Conan's jokes were lame.

8:40 AM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

I can't believe you replaced me with Evangaline Lily. God.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

Spanks was a band geek??
What instrument?
The skin flute?
The male organ?
The clitoral triangle?
The homo oboe?

9:31 AM  
Blogger LadyJane said...

Zanna,if it makes you feel better, you will always have a special place in my vagina....

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Yes, Tyra Banks IS that wide! The fat ugly cow! Gods I hate that hippo.

Evangeline looks awesome. I wish I were Lost on a deserted island with her!

Elaine from Seinfeld won't let her own kids watch her show... That's how much it sucks.

10:16 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

I gave Katherine Heigl and Evangeline Lilly the "Smelly Pirate Emmy" last night. In the face.

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

That made my nipples hard and actually, that DOES make me feel better, Lady.

10:36 AM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Yes Spanks was in band and I think that's totally cool, you have never seen a sexier specimen in a band uniform.

But that's only the tip of the iceberg. What I remember most are all those teen-abstinence rally's she organized, and all the glorious singing we did on the Youth Ministry bus.


Good times and Kumbaya,

ninj

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Italian Stallion said...

I'm going to get a lot of shit for this I'm sure, but I think Tyra Banks is one of the hottest black chicks next to Beyonce of course. I dated a girl that looks just like Tyra for awhile, I guess thats where the attraction is, I don't know. She has gotten a little wider though, but she still has a beautiful face. Ok, I'm done, you can start shitting on me now...............

11:25 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

I thought Italians never went for anything darker than an olive?

11:55 AM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Stallion: It's cool. The only question I have is, 'Did You Go Back?'

ninj

12:23 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Stallion:

Also: Your statement, "I dated a girl that looks just like Tyra for a while ..." implies or presupposes that on some occassions or at certain times she looked like 'Tyra Banks'. What did she look like at other times? Possibly an Argentine leaf-folding frog?

Be careful with those modifiers.

ninj

12:32 PM  
Anonymous prez said...

I see the grammar police made it.

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Non proper engrish motherfucker said...

Fuck you Ninja, I barely have time to post this shit much less make sure it's all perfect engrish. And no, I didn't go back, yet...........

I dated a girl for a while, that looked just like Tyra. Is that better you fucking engrish major.............

12:59 PM  
Anonymous the mysterious kazzoo said...

Stopping for lunch at a local burger king, 'English student' Itallion Stallion ordered two "Whopper Juniors" when his mysterious English teacher 'Kazzoo' appeared out of nowhere, as usual, and responded, "Most Burger King patrons are under the fallacious assumption that the plural is 'Whopper Juniors' when the proper English is 'Whoppers Junior'. This, of course is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying 'passerbys' or, worse yet, the dreaded 'attorney generals.'"

Stallion fucked it all up again the following week at a midtown Taco Bell when he ordered "two Big Beef Burritos Supreme."

2:56 PM  
Anonymous italian italian italian italian italian stallion said...

Italian Stallion, you stupid motherfucker!!!!! Italian Stallion, how fucking hard is that? I would have actually thought that was funny if you could have got my fucking name right. I don't even know why that shit pisses me off, but it does. Only because you correct my retarded grammer and can't even spell Italian. In the great words of Uncle Guiseppe "Go fuck yourself"...end quote..............

3:29 PM  
Anonymous mysterious kazzoo knows all said...

Oh, contrare my good fellow. I advise you to go to Tranny and Zanna's web-site and look up the thread, "DUI and Some Crossborder Fun." Read comments #6 and #7 before you decide to give spelling lessons.

3:45 PM  
Anonymous italion italion italion italion italion italion said...

Mysterious Kazzoo has a point. You can't even spell your own name. I checked it out and it's legit.

6:07 PM  
Anonymous Italian Stallion said...

Italian stallion said...
Nothing like spelling your own identity wrong when your high.......good times

I know and I fucking corrected myself, and gave an explanation. So big fucking deal. Look, I had a bad day at work. We moved our office, and shit was everywhere, I couldn't find some of my shit and was in a bad mood. No excuses though, I guess I'm apologizing for being a mildly retarded idiot. Italian, italian, italian, WAHHHHHHHH, my bad, later.............

6:28 PM  
Anonymous mysterious kazzoo said...

You are allowed to have bad days. Be glad that you have a Mysterious Kazzoo to watch your back and your subject-verb-agreement.

7:01 PM  
Anonymous TrannyGranny said...

With all this grammer talk, ya'll have missed the point:

Best Emmy Panties, was actually my face, worn by Jessica Alba. New pics from the well, later this week!

11:12 PM  

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