Thursday, August 31, 2006


As an upstanding American patriot, I would like to take a respite from celebrity gossip to pay homage to the men and women currently serving in the armed forces. I'm calling it "Spank-Worthy Servicemember of the Week," and if you know someone (or are someone) who serves in the military and deserves a little recognition, submit a brief bio and a picture to and I'll put them (you) up for public adulation.

Remember, folks, these are the good people who devote their lives to protecting America. And also, they wear uniforms, which is sexy. (Really, ladies, if you didn't get hot for Navy pilots after seeing "Top Gun," then you're probably a lesbian. A lesbian communist.) I'm recommending that you give the next sailor you see a "blowjob of gratitude" as thanks for providing our blanket of freedom. At the very least, you could show them your tits. The bottom line: they're doing their patriotic duty; it's time you got down on your knees and did yours.

This Week's Spank-Worthy Sailor: Craig

Rank: Lieutenant

Age: 31

Sign: Aquarius

Current Assignment: Tropical Support Officer, Naval Maritime Forecast Activity, Norfolk.

Height: 6"1'

Weight: 200

Status: Married (sorry ladies) with 3 kids.

Why did you decide to join the Navy?

- I saw a rerun of "McHale's Navy"(that TV Show with Ernest Borgnine)..I knew right there that driving boats, chasing skirts and drinking booze was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

Which celebrity do you most love to hate?

- Count Chocula, he's like "blah blah it's part of a nutritious breakfast, blah" That pisses me off.

Tell us some of your favorite things.

Baseball Team: California Angels
Football Team: Oakland Raiders
Hobbies: Surfing and drinking Beer.
Favorite TV: Rescue Me and The Wire
Bands: Band Religion and Cowboy Mouth
Hero's: Bruce Wayne and Cavemen
Gossip Blog: Spank Cheeks

Thanks, Craig, for being the first ever "Spank-Worthy Sailor" on this site. Sailors are fucking awesome!


Anonymous Anonymous said...


8:45 AM  
Anonymous xxx said...

I love being in NY when the sailors roll in! My kitty starts purring the moment they dock.

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Italian Stallion said...

He watches The Wire, he knows all about my home life then. Good ol Baltimore............

8:58 AM  
Blogger chillytatas said...

I'll second that yummy!

9:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good man. Maybe when his ship rolls back in, they can lob a few missles at Cheney's place accidentally on purpose... just a thought...

9:13 AM  
Anonymous xxx said...

I love seamen's semen! LOL! ;P

9:15 AM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

What a lucky guy to be married to such a witty and intelligent woman!

9:18 AM  
Blogger spankcheeks said...

I gave my own "personal thanks" to a sailor last night, on a bed covered with giant American flag while a bald eagle soared overhead . When he came, I swear I heard the Star-Spangled Banner in the distance... God Bless America.

9:23 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

You guys ever think about staging a mutiny? Sending a SCUD missile Dubya's way? Theres a fifty in it for you if you make it happen.

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's hard to find sailors in Arizona.......

9:47 AM  
Blogger litelysalted said...

My cousin just graduated from the Naval Academy and is moving to Corpus Christi in a couple of weeks for flight school to become a navy pilot. Unfortunately he's a she so if you get hot for her you're probably still a lesbian. She is pretty fucking badass though, so maybe you can actually be hot for her and not be a lesbian. You know, like straight girls that say they wanna fuck Angelina Jolie.

My ex is also in the navy stationed in Norfolk. He can currently be seen in a drunken myspace photo wearing a colander on his head.

9:51 AM  
Anonymous xxx said...

@ Salted --

Are you sure that's not MY ex your describing? He was drunk alot, and the bastard never went out w/out a "cover," even if it was a pot or pan.

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

smellypiratehooker said...
"You guys ever think about staging a mutiny? Sending a SCUD missile Dubya's way? Theres a fifty in it for you if you make it happen. "

Why don't just bend over and let the rest of the world fuck you in the asshole. You clueless. Eat shit and die.

10:20 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

Anonymous, settle down. Now who do you want to fuck you in the asshole again? The president or a scud missle?

10:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How classy. Free blowjobs for guys in the military. So now your a racist hack slut who swallows! LOL

10:53 AM  
Anonymous tp21 said...

I have to admit a man in uniform makes me a little moist...

10:57 AM  
Blogger litelysalted said...

xxx, do you think it's possible we both dated him? Has this ex of yours ever worn a "beer ball" on his head for Halloween, claiming to be an astronaut? Mine did.

When my family attended my cousin's naval academy graduation this past spring, my brother in law recorded Cheney's speech with his camera in case there were any sweet assassination attempts. (So we could like, totally upload it to youtube!) How ya like them apples, Anonymous?

11:00 AM  
Anonymous tp21 said...

Do I get a tax credit for giving a sailor a hummer?

11:14 AM  
Blogger ApacheRose said...

Mmmm... I loves me a military man, yes I do. The uniform, the weaponry, the haircut, the ability to take orders.

OK, kidding on that last one, but not the other three. Though, really, give 'em a task they like and they go right down on it..get right to it... Something like that.

I'm raising my glass, and my skirt, to our boys in the service. And a separate, fully-clothed toast to the servicewomen out there.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous TrannyGranny said...

Anonomys from AZ:

Greetings from to my homestate! It's not all about the sailors, go blow some air-assault marines from YUMA, Air force from the Raptor base in west Phoenix, or get it on with the tank drivers in Ft. Huachuaca...just to name a few. And don't forget the Coast Guard ladies.

Let ALL of our Brave Military come home safe and victorious when the job is done, and FUCK Bush for getting us into this useless war.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This thread makes me want to wave an American flag and screw a soldier!

11:53 AM  
Blogger ApacheRose said...


As it should!!

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Any reason ya post a 'sailor' thread above the 'Travota is a fag' thread? AHOY MATEY!

Tom Cruise wasn't allowed in the Navy because he didn't pass the height requirement.

1:03 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

thanks for this one, 'cheeks.
my best friend is shipping out anyday. but i really don't like him in THAT way!
Navy Seabees- Third Naval Construction Regiment.

bragging rights are cool!

1:18 PM  
Anonymous ZeZe said...

How will I know how to find him if this picture is a big fucking Red X?
Damnit Cheeks.

On another note. My sailor returns home at 6pm tonight.

I have an American Flag and I am going to screw a soldier tonight.

1:24 PM  
Anonymous jrzmommymustdie said...

My brother is on the U.S.S. George Washington. They're out right now. I'm gonna find a picture of him looking really fucked up and send it in.

1:25 PM  
Anonymous ZeZe said...

I come back and the fucking picture works.
I digress.
My sincerest appoligies cheeks.
You rock and my computer is a cheap piece of shit.

1:40 PM  
Anonymous spatz said...

Marines are the shiznit.

2:15 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

I'm envious. I'm all alone on this island with my sword and laptop.

3:03 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

However, I'd be happy to assassinate Bush if nobody minds. Wait, can I say that on-line? Will I get picked up by some square headed CIA agent? Bring it on fuckballs!

3:09 PM  
Blogger chillytatas said...

My dad is CIA, but I won't tell Ninj. Wait, does that mean I can hold that over your head. What to make you do.... hmmmm gotta think of something good.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Anastasia Beaverhausen said...

Ahhh, makes me yearn for Fleet Week.

4:59 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

guess what, ninj?
that ain't one of us knocking on your door!

hide under the bed with the dust bunnnies.
they won't find you there!

5:15 PM  
Anonymous petemclochness said...

Go Navy! We pull out on CVN 69 USS Eisenhower next Wednesday.

Say, do you think it's a coincidence that the first carrier to allow women was CVN "69" ?

5:42 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

good luck to you-- have you been before?
BFF's was one of the first regiments to hit the gulf the first time around.
(god, i hate that BFF thing).

even land bound sailors are cool.


6:55 PM  
Blogger Anastasia Beaverhausen said...

Zanna, is this your hubby?

7:01 PM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

Correction Spatz, Marines and "ex marines" are the shiznit.

Hell, the whole US military is the shiznit! Even the Coast Guard!

8:00 PM  
Anonymous dsquared said...

I love a man in uniform... Ryan Phillipe is playing a pilot in a movie out this fall and *fans self lustily* he is hawt!

Barbie Martini

8:22 PM  
Anonymous morningglory said...


I thought fraternization was forbidden by the Navy! Or is that a myth, like the one about them not hiring gays?

9:29 PM  
Anonymous petemclochness said...

morningglory--fraternization is between two people of unequal rank in the same chain of command. As long as you wear the same rank you can bang whoever you want. I prefer to bang my wife, however, for the next 7 months I will be banging myself.

10:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

rate man picture

6:04 AM  

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