SPANK CHEEKS

Saturday, August 12, 2006

STEPHEN BALDWIN DOUBLE-TEAMS WITH JESUS

You may remember that the fat, ugly Baldwin found Jesus (and the Republican party) earlier this year.

Well, he's back, baby, and encouraging the masses to invite a sword-wielding savior into the boudoir. Stephen tells Esquire magazine
"I like to ask friends of mine, happy couples who seem to have a pretty good marriage, I will ask them, 'How's your sex life?' They will say something like pretty good or okay or no complaints here. Here's what I tell them: Imagine taking a healthy sex life and inviting the power of God into that exchange."
Wow -- a threesome with Jesus. Sounds kinda kinky... and blasphemous. Stephen isn't talking about double-teaming with the gentle Jesus we know from the Gospels; his version of the "menage a trois Messiah" is violent and aggressive. He explains
"I'd always imagined Jesus was the sweet, cuddly, loving dude, and suddenly I find out he makes Conan the Barbarian look like Conan the wimp. He didn't come with a guitar singing Kum Ba Yah. Jesus brought a sword to the earth, and he is still swinging it. God has called me to go and make disciples of the youth of America. That is what I am going to do. And if you try to stop me, I am going to break your face."
Break your face? Break your face? I think that's exactly what Jesus would want you to do -- break faces in the name of Christianity. The New Testament is chock-full of examples of the disciples "kicking ass" and "breaking faces." It's pretty much the crux of Jesus' message in Matthew 11:28-30. But paraphrased, of course.

Source

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

bwah hah hah ha hah ha ha!

4:34 PM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

The only Goddess in my life is Her Royal Eminence, Spank Cheeks.
Through her, I have seen the light!

Oh Lordy!!!


Stephen and his, "And if you try to stop me, I am going to break your face", sounds like a (terrorist) threat to me. Somebody may have to alert Homeland Security about this guy.



"cock-ninja"--- come out, come out wherever you are!
Ollie Ollie Oxen Free... it's your turn to hide!!
Hey dude, you still ain't in the Okefenokee Swamp squealing like a pig, are you???

Suuuuuwweeeeee!!!


I am the Walrus, goo goo g'joob

5:02 PM  
Anonymous Italian motherfucking Stallion said...

I'm sorry to say that someone has already broken his face..........

5:41 PM  
Anonymous petemclochness said...

Christ was a huge "face breaker" and he always rolled 12 deep so nobody could eff with him, except that one time.

6:02 PM  
Anonymous Tranny said...

Wasn't this already tried by the Catholic church. Had a catchy name....the Inequity...no, wait the Ineptitude...no. Oh yeah, the Inquisition!
Which sounds so nice, asking people questions. And then torturing tens of thousands to death. I am officially starting a new movement: Hunting down and re-brainwashing religious zealots of any denomination, into productive members of the world. No more of these hate-filled shitbags that are turning Earth into a ghetto.

Oh, and I am also giving them all gender re-assignment surgery first. For Free.

And, Yo Pete! Watch the movie Dogma, it is an historical documentary proving there were 13 uh, "Deep Rollers" or whatever the fuck kids these days call groupies.

9:41 PM  
Anonymous lindsay's meathat said...

I think my boyfriend's been sneaking Jesus in our "boudoir" since we started dating. He yells out "Jesus!" a lot when we're in the throws of passion. For example, "Jesus, that's my nutsac you're biting!" Or "Jesus, I can't fucking breathe! Get off already!"

And don't forget "Jesus, did you just shit the bed? You are one fucked-up ho."

9:56 PM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Steve-o is going Jihad on all you motherfuckers! Woot!

Now if only he would go Jihad on Star Jones, then I'd be a happy man.

3:31 AM  
Anonymous tina said...

Definitely the weirdest Baldwin.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tranny:

TEA AND CAKE OR DEATH?!

7:53 PM  
Blogger litelysalted said...

Kicking ass, breaking faces, and busting a cap on yo ass.

7:47 AM  
Blogger UpInYoGrillFoShizzle said...

You mean my choice is OR DEATH?

What freaking church is this asswipe going to? I am pretty sure he was born SANS the sword. I am pretty sure there is not a biblical reference stating "And the Savior broke forth from Mary's vagina swinging his sword...". I would have noticed that. Really.

It must suck to be a second rate Baldin. I mean, the top tier Baldwin (Alec) just got outed as liking to be nailed in the tooter with a strap-on.

He found God... Jesus. Fucker needs to find Jenny Craig. Hint Stephen: 1-800-JENNY-CRAIG. Fuckwit...

10:00 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

*sigh*
even when i forget to sign in, y'all don't get it.

tea and cake or death?
what about the comfy chair?

(eddie izzard, python inquistion sketch. in that order.)
not only am i now feeling REALLY old, i think i've run out of tequila. ninj, dammit, is there any of that freaking drambuie left? i know it made me sick before, but if the stupid monkey hadn't.....
why are you all looking at me? what?
WHAT!!???

1:41 AM  
Blogger ladyambar said...

take a breath, evil bunny. I got it (love eddie izzard and the inquisition sketch). So don't feel like a mummy.

And here's some more tequila, from my special box. Enjoy it!

12:01 AM  

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