SPANK CHEEKS

Monday, August 28, 2006

TOM CRUISE GETS AN AWARD


Tom Cruise was named one of the winners of the 14th annual Ernie Awards, an award doled out to celebrities and politicians who make sexist comments in public.

Tom "I Love the Cock" Cruise won for saying "I've got Katie tucked away so no one will get to us until my child is born ... [Katie's] life from now on was going to be about being a mother. I'm not giving her the chance to turn into another Nicole." They omitted the rest of the statement, which read, "And I'm changing her name and keeping her in a chamber and using her uterus to facilitate my evil plan to take over the world." Also pretty sexist, if you ask me.

You may not have read about the other ten awards Tommy has won over the years. I made a list for you.

10. Most Nauseating Silhouette Kiss, Top Gun, 1986

9. Highest Couch-Jump, Harpo Studios, 2005

8. Best Intergalatic Emporer Costume, Scientology Halloween Bash, 2003

7. Winner, Lilliputian Ballsac Award, 2003

6. Most Convincing Heterosexual Kiss, Mission Impossible III Premiere, 2006

5. Most Uncomfortable Televised Interview, The Today Show, 2005

4. Hottest Hollywood Beard, Penelope Cruz, 2004

3. Most Un-Sexy Movie Sex Scene, Eyes Wide Shut, 1999

2. Fruit of the Loom's "Most Enthusiastic Underpants Dance," Risky Business,1983

1. Winner, Best Placenta Recipe, Scientology Grillfest, 2006

UPDATE:
People.com is reporting this morning that Tom Cruise never actually made those statements about Katie. He wrongly recieved the Ernie for something he never said.

However, his people are not disputing any of the aforementioned awards, so you know they are all absolutely true. Scout's honor.

Thanks to the spankalicious Wiley for the tip.
Source

33 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bwa hah hah hah hah hah! LMAO!

7:41 AM  
Anonymous petemclochness said...

Ablolutely fabulous, I love the post about the emmys and especially the spankees. Not bad for 5:30AM. Post coffee I'm sure.

8:02 AM  
Blogger sonya said...

Is that Xenu's native tongue at the the bottom there? Wow Spanks, I didn't know you spoke Gay Alien.

8:35 AM  
Anonymous easy e said...

That's why I love the site. Top ten lists are the shit! I loved your moustaches one too.

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

Spanks, you wonder where I come up with shit? Girl..you are HYSTERICAL!! I don't know how you come up with this brilliant material. Keep up the great work!

9:19 AM  
Blogger LadyJane said...

Well, it has been said...

TCLTC....

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

I agree. Deliciously cuntalicious post Spanks!

10:25 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

I think I shit myself laughing. No wait, I shit myself earlier, just forgot to wipe.

Hysterical! Cheeks, or Spanks is it now, I want to give you a Smelly Pirate Hooker Emmy. right in your kisser.

10:31 AM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

In a startling interview Tom Cruise has given up Scientology and inventing his very own religion called Zanism.

Cruise has been quoted stating, "Zanism is my new belief, it is an attempt to escape the tyranny of sanity without falling into the prison of insanity. Zanism rejects the sanity/insanity dichotomy and embraces 'Zanity' in its stead. Zanism is not a religion of beliefs. Zanists believe in disbelief."

When asked of the possible tenets of such non-belief / beliefs cruise stated, "On belief! If you believe in Zanism, then you are not a Zanist."

That was all he had to say about that.

11:03 AM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

invented!!!!

11:03 AM  
Anonymous GEMBLE said...

MISS ME, FUCKERS? AND I KNOW ONE OF YOU USED MY HANDLE! IT'S A MATTER OF TIME TIL I FIND OUT WHO IT WAS!!!!

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

CN, You spelled it wrong...It's Zannaism. And no, Tom can't belong to MY church either. Although, my church's motto IS "God Bless the Freaks", I don't want him to be a member of my congregation. I suggest he become a member of ManRay. They probably won't want him either.

and BTW, Ms.Cheeks..thank you so much for the link..the favor WILL be returned!

1:01 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Zanna: That's odd. I always thought 'Zannaists' were a group of incredibly hot babes with magical vaginas and really pretty feet.

ninj

2:32 PM  
Anonymous xxx said...

I have a magical vagina. It grants wishes. Can I join your church Zanna?

3:12 PM  
Anonymous gemble said...

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD PULL MY PANTS DOWN AND BEND ME OVER THEN WALK BACK 20 PACES AND RUN AT ME FULL SPEED AND RAM HIS COCK UP MY ASS IN A WONDERFUL RHINO-LIKE THRUST. THAT IS MY WISH.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous gemble's ass genie said...

Your wish is my command!

3:29 PM  
Anonymous gemble's ass genie said...

Your wish is my command!

3:29 PM  
Anonymous takes it up the butt said...

I got rhino-fucked once, well it was more like a rhino-fuck attempt, the guy ran at me full speed, missed my asshole and broke his dick on my right buttcheek. Not very arousing actually.

3:52 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Who the fuck is XXX? She's beginning to give me a case of 'The Wood'.

Walrus and Tranny what do you say we gang rape this nymph and leave her with a box of assorted cremes?

ninj

3:59 PM  
Anonymous splinted dick said...

I was that guy!!!

You owe me one.

4:00 PM  
Anonymous gemble's ass genie said...

It's all about aim and concentration.

4:08 PM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

ninja- From all the "XXX" prison movies I've participated in,
3 on 1 is just a gang bang.

For a gang rape we're going to need more,
maybe Stallion and dragulf (is that a dude?)


The only rules I've got:

No sword fighting or bumping dicks,
I don't go for that sort of thing!

4:22 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Walrus, Yeah..., well... Stalian has a problem with bumping meatballs; and Dragulf is a guy who used to be skinny when he was 28, but now he's fat and 32 and is one hell of a dungeon master. I think he might be a virgin, he can be the videographer if he so chooses.

p.s. What's the difference between sword fighting and bumping dicks?

ninj

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Zanna said...

Yes, Ninja..you are basically right about what a Zannaist is. Ad yes, XXX you can join my church. Sit in the front row like a good girl and kneel when I tell you to.

5:38 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Zanna: You can have her as soon as we get done 'gang rape/banging' (depending on the number of participants) with her.

p.s. I apologize if I accidentally rub someone's balls or stick my finger in their ass.

ninj

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Stallion said...

Wow, this shit got pretty funny while I was gone. Except for all the bumping meatballs talk. How about all the ladies come and ride the Stallion. No need for these guy's and their rape talk. Stallion will be gentle but firm, just hold on tight bitches, lol...................

"I don't see nothing wrong, with a long Stallion ride, I don't see nothing wrong, with a long Stallion ride." :R "Child Molesting" Kelly

6:44 PM  
Anonymous nipnasty said...

Stallion: start off gentle, then hit me in the face with your cock. That's the "nasty" part of my handle.

p.s. GEMBLE is a TOOL!!!!!!!!! ;)

7:06 PM  
Anonymous Stalian's sex kitten said...

Stalian once gave me 12 inches and made it hurt. He fucked me twice and hit me in the face with a brick.

7:13 PM  
Anonymous Rammed by Stallion said...

Stallion once gave me an Ass-Ram-Pallegic. He fucked me in the ass and kneeled on the back of my legs until they fell asleep, then he jerked off on my back and kicked me in the ribs and ran away. I tried to chase him and couldn't.

7:17 PM  
Anonymous way-tu-tight said...

I am 13 years old, and I met Stallion when he was visiting my Spa in Japan he tried for hours to fuck me, but my pussy was too tight, so he rolled me over and ass-fucked me. I'm finally walking again. Call me.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Sheepo the goat said...

One time Stallion had such a massive orgasm that he actually formed a lasso with his splooge and roped me from across the room.

7:32 PM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

ninj- According to Websters (no Tranny, not the little nigger)Unabashed Dictionary via www.urbandictionary.com (I don't know how to link here at Spanks)the difference between

sword fighting:

"A playful sexual game in which two men attack each other with erect penises".


and bumping dicks:

"A playful sexual game in which two men have an arousing game of dick bumping".


The two key words here are attack and arousing.

P.S. That wasn't your FINGER up MY ass!!!

NOW I see why you ARE the cock-ninja!

7:42 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

Walrus: I got a totally different definition for swordfighting, which is: The art or practice of fighting with slender swords formerly in combat.
See also: swordsmanship.

I can see where your mind is you sick faggot-fuck!

ninj

P.s. Why does my finger smell like poop?

8:00 PM  

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