SPANK CHEEKS

Saturday, September 30, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.30.06


Just when you thought she couldn’t possibly be as stupid as she looks, Paris Hilton says she thinks Haiti is in France. (hollywood rag)

Beyonce has the best ass in Hollywood….or does she? (idlyitw)

Take your pants off and salute, boys! Jessica Simpson shows her camel toe while singing God Bless America. (youtube)

For a guy whose only gig lately has been keeping up appearances, you’d think Tom Cruise wouldn’t go out without his lifts. (cityrag)

If there is a God in Heaven, I may still be able to break out my tube top and celebratory bag of pork rinds. Britney Spears’ new son MAY NOT be named Sutton Preston after all. (celebitchy)

Jenny McCarthy says sex with Jim Carrey is spiritual. All I have to say is, if “spiritual” is the new "fucked up", then feel free to call me Gandhi. (junkiness)

ANNA NICOLE'S NUPTIALS DOWNGRADED


Turns out it wasn’t a wedding after all, but a “commitment ceremony” with lawyer Howard K. Stern. E! Online reports:

In a 250-word statement (issued by TrimSpa), "Finding Solace & Hope," it was announced that the former E! reality star and her attorney participated in a commitment ceremony Thursday morning, aboard a boat in Nassau,Bahamas.

"Although the ceremony was officiated, it was not a wedding, and no marriage certificate was issued," the statement said.

The event, described as impromptu, came two days after Stern announced he was the father of Smith's newborn daughter, Dannielynn Hope, and 18 days after Smith's adult son, Daniel Smith, died. Per TrimSpa, media scrutiny drove Smith and Stern to take to the high seas for an early-morning excursion with friends and family.

"And then a good thing happened," the company said. "During the sail, Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern made a commitment before God to be there for one another, to be each other's strength during this difficult time."

Smith's camp said the event--"intended to be totally private between two adults deeply in love with each other and needing simple reassurances that they could count on one another through life's ups and downs"--was later spoiled by prying reporters in speedboats, helicopters and scuba-diving equipment.
A commitment ceremony. So what. I had one of those with my lawyer too. He said he'd be with me through this "difficult time" if I gave him 1/3 of his expenses now and the rest later. Then, we had our "commitment ceremony" before God. Except it was in a courtroom before a jury of my peers. All I got to do was raise my right hand, solemnly swear and then lie. There was no fucking swim party. Reporters? Yes. Swim party? No.

Friday, September 29, 2006

PAM ANDERSON JUST MADE MY WEEKEND


It’s moments like this I feel fucking BEAUTIFUL. It’s true. I said it. And I’m not apologizing for it. Here are some lovely images of Pamela Anderson’s nip slip (courtesy of splash news). Kid Rock must have sucked the life out of them. Because they are colorless. And, as dented as the can of corned beef hash I JUST dropped down the stairs.


SCREECH + THE DIRTY SANCHEZ


= me drying up like the fucking Sahara Desert.

This is one of those things that I can’t really SAY much about. Let’s say you and I were together right now. You and me and I’m in front of the computer and you are making me a double vodka and gingerale because it’s morning and I’M STILL ON VACATION and I said,“Oh….my….God..” and you turned around and said, “What?” and I turned the computer around and I showed you this and we just looked at each other like, “holy shit”. And we laugh. And then we dance. That’s what this moment is like.

Anyway, Defamer can sum it up in ways I can’t right now.

ANNA NICOLE MAY BE MORE FUCKED UP THAN ME


As you know, I was feeling bad for the whole Anna Nicole thing about her son, etc. But that lasted for like a MINUTE. Get a load of this shit . According to STAR magazine, Anna Nicole has married her lawyer, Howard K. Stern, yesterday morning. WHAT THE FUCK? I think she mourned that old guy she married a little longer and harder than her son. Star reports:

In a world-exclusive report, an eyewitness tells Star that Anna, 38, and Howard, 37, tied the knot shortly before 10:30 am on the morning of September 28, while sailing on a white catamaran off of Nassau! "There was heavy security around the yacht, plus extra speedboats to deliver more supplies as needed (including unlimited Dom Perignon champagne) from the mainland to the catamaran," says the eyewitness, who adds that the wedding party celebrated the union afterwards by having a swim party around the yacht -- "and Anna was wearing a pink bikini!"
I was reading that some legal experts have been saying that the marriage is a cover up to hide who the real father of the baby is and there is some law in the Bahamas that says if you marry someone after the baby is born..blah blah blah... Who gives a fuck? You had a healthy baby girl and you just lost you son. I’m more interested if she’s back on the Trimpsa. Or if the baby got any of that Dom Perignon breast milk. Or how the hell do you wear a bikini two weeks after a C-section?

But I’ll tell you what, despite all that,….if my son just died and I was “devastated”, you wouldn’t catch me having a swim party or wearing a pink bikini, let alone getting married. I WOULD however, be drinking heavily but it wouldn’t be Dom Perignon because I couldn’t afford it. I wouldn't have extra speedboats, but I would have Brazilian children on bicycles to get my drugs and go to the liquor store for me. I would also be topless, wearing black boyshorts and drinking a bottle of Thunderbird and shaking my fist at the sky on the front porch playing Ozzy Osbourne’s “Mama I’m coming home” full blast and on repeat. I’d feel bad for making fun of the situation but how can I when a story like this hits the newswire. You can’t. She's already made a mockery of it and as far as I'm concerned, if you can’t beat ‘em..join ‘em.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.28.2006



Hey, all! I'm back and I’m cranky!! And I’m tired. And my flat-iron shit the bed. And I'm sorry if any of this shit is old news...I've been out of the country for 10 days. So, Spank it your damn-self until tomorrow!

Jessica Simpson has everyone walking on egg-shells as she comes dangerously close to shitting herself. Man, I’ve been THAT girl before (page six)

In another blatant display of idiocy, Britney fires her PR bitch and decides she can handle it alone. For all of you waiting for her “comeback”….Don’t. I’m not trying to HURT you..I’m trying to HELP you. (dlisted)

Avril Levigne is an idiot and I want to kick her in the box. (tmz)

Monday, September 18, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.18.06


Pictures of the last moments of Anna Nicole and her son Daniel. Looks like he would have been an awesome big brother. (perezhilton)

Willy Neslon got busted with my stash. (tmz)

Cameron Diaz can take a hint. (celebitchy)

Judging by the way John Travolta and Tom Cruise look lately, I can only come to the conclusion is that gay+scientology = fat (celebitchy)

Linday Lohan falls down...AGAIN. (and why can't she look like that picture up there anymore?). (yeeeah!)

Friday, September 15, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.15.06


Although she has no problem showing us her snatch, Paris Hilton requires privacy when getting her hair done (Yeeah!)

Here is the last picture of Steve Irwin taken right before his death. Poor guy (tmz)

If Scientiology has a Mafia, then I’m getting one too (a socialite’s life)

Vanessa Minillo is WICKED hot (popoholic)

I’ll be fair. There IS more to the story, but Nancy Grace is still an unapologetic bitch who went over the line (abcnews)

Matthew Perry likes to masturbate to his Friends (dlisted)

Duane "Dog" Chapman gets arrested for being a hero. (thesuperficial)

The headline reads: “A prosthetic arm that can be controlled simply by thinking gives hope to amputees” And the first thing that comes to MY mind? A bionic handjob. (thedailyherald)

GHOST SPEAKS TO JLO THROUGH ZOMBIE HUSBAND


JLo revealed that she was working on her new Spanish album 'Como Ama Una Mujer' (How a Woman Loves) when her emaciated husband received a song suggestion by a ghost.

"Marc woke up and said, 'I just had the craziest dream,' I said, 'What was the dream?' And he said, 'Rocio Durcal was in this room. She was saying, "Come here, listen to this. This song is for Jennifer," and she was singing a melody," The Sun quoted her, as saying.

Lopez then grabbed her mobile telephone, and made Anthony sing the song into their answering machine, before letting him go back to sleep.

I have a very hard time believing that a ghost wouldn’t have better things to do than tell Marc Anthony what JLo should be singing. If I was a ghost, I’d fly myself on over to Tom Cruise’s house to check out that whole wrestling outfit thing. Or spy on Angelina Jolie, or just fondle the balls of random men (which I do anyway but that’s another story for another day). Look at him, that was no dream…that was a near death experience.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.14.06

We were wrong when we kept saying TCLTC. He loves cock AND dressing up in wrestling outfits for his homo-erotic adventures. And this new book is going to PROVE it. (celebitchy)

Jessica Simpson makes excuses why she can't find a man. (Yeeah!)

Was all that "airing out" in anticipation of her big day? Firecrotch might be secretly married. (msn)

Princess Diana must be rolling in her grave. (hollywoodrag)

This whole thing about Anna Nicole's son gets more bizzare by the day (perezhilton)

I never did like Nancy Grace. The "bitch of the week" award goes to you, ma'am. And it's only Thursday. (msnbc)

KATE BOSWORTH IS DEAD TO ME


I remember when Kate Bosworth used to be pretty. Healthy, fit, fuckably pretty. And then she shows up at Fashion Week with an exhumed corpse for a body and my vagina weeps bitterly. I was this close to batting for the other team, too. And now I just want to hit the other team with baseball bats.

BOBBY BROWN GETS KICKED TO THE CURB

FINALLY. Whitney Houston has put the crack pipe down long enough to realize what was picking doody bubbles out of her ass. According to Access Hollywood:

Access Hollywood has learned from a source close to Whitney Houston that the star has split from her long-time husband Bobby Brown.

What is now a legal separation is a technicality which, according to Houston's publicist, Nancy Seltzer, automatically will become a divorce filing in October.

The source says legal documents were filed Friday and that Bobby Brown was served with those documents yesterday. (click here to see the paperwork)

If Whitney can actually pull this off, this could potentially be the mother of all comebacks......and more crack for the rest of us.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.13.06



Paris Hilton was quoted as saying, “Just because I’m trying to grow my virginity back by refraining from sex for the next year, doesn’t mean I can’t be a cock tease”……okay, I made that up. But I’m saying what she IS thinking. I know I am. Because I’m gifted that way. (TMZ)

Lindsay Lohan & that chewed up piece of gum she calls a vagina, forgot she was engaged. (IDLYITW).

If AA’s 12-step program doesn’t work, there is always good old-fashioned electricity. Kitty Dukakis is ALL better now. (Yeeah!)

Rumor has it Brit and K-Fed named their kid Sutton Pierce. I guess I put on this tube top for nothing. (perezhilton)

Anna Nicole's son's death is now considered 'suspicious'. Cornoner orders full investigation. Charges may be filed. (CNN)

DENIAL ISN'T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT, BABY


Kirsten Dunst had been quoted in “London’s News of the World” as saying that even wild sex with Jake Gyllenhal wasn’t enough to keep them together. But now she and her people are denying it. MSN reports:

"....The tabloid, in what it trumpets as an "exclusive" interview with Dunst, claims she "opened her heart to talk of the secret sadness" over her now off-again romance with Gyllenhaal.

How open is she? The actress is quoted as revealing that not even "wild sex" ("in cars, in the bathroom and even by the sea") was enough to keep them together.

Titillating stuff, right? There's just one teeny, tiny problem: The interview never took place.

"Clearly this is a fabricated story," Dunst's rep, Stephen Huvane, tells MSN Entertainment. "Kirsten has not given an interview to News of the World and for the most [part] the quotes they list are not hers....."


"for the most part”….
yea, okay. Translation…(and this is just a wild guess) she was drunk when she gave the interview. ” It’s no secret that Kirsten likes to partake in beverages of the alcoholic persuasion. It’s how she earned the moniker of “Kirsten Drunkst (starpulse).

This is reminiscent of the time I got drunk and told everyone in the bar I had sex with Quentin Tarantino and had to spend the next day photoshopping pictures of us together just to prove it.

THESE are the things you have to do in small town America, people. THESE are the things you have to do when you’re only “representative” is your court appointed attorney.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE CONTINUES

Has-been Britney Spears gave birth to a bouncing baby boy on September 12th. US Weekly confirms:

"...Pop star Britney Spears, 24, gave birth to a 6 pound, 11 ounce baby boy just before 2 a.m. at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on September 12, a family source confirms to Us Weekly.

This is her second child with husband Kevin Federline, joining older brother, Sean Preston, who turns 1-year-old on September 14. Federline also has two children with his ex, Shar Jackson, a daughter, Kori, 4, and a son, Kaleb, 2. Spears and Federline, 28, celebrate their second wedding anniversary on September 18...."

I am hoping to GOD that she names it something like Billy-Bob or some other white trash shit like that. Something you can use initials for. Something that makes you want to throw on some Skynyrd and wear a tube top. Something that makes you want to twist the cap off a 40 ounce and break out that celebratory bag of pork rinds you’ve been saving. Cuz.. we’s got some celebratin’ to do.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.12.06


It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when Paris' herpes flare-ups are more dependable than SHE is. (Yeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan exposes her firecrotch again. Be glad your monitor isn't scratch & sniff. (ICYDK)

Carmen Electra has metamorphasized into a troll doll. (thesuperficial)

Little Rudy Huxtible likes coke almost as much as I do. Ooops..did I say that out loud? (dlisted)

Brooke Shields likes “organic” snacks. Whole Foods got nothin’ on this. (IDLYITW)

Speaking of snacks…here’s an ad campaign that would make you sphincter pucker. Or not. Depends on how you roll. (cityrag)

FORREST HUMP


If watching "Forrest Gump" made you think about having sex, well, there's an obvious explanation. You are either a disgusting pervert or you saw “Buford’s Beach Bunnies” and never made the porn connection before now. Page Six reports
“… Hanks’ kid brother, Jim, played a Forrest Gump-type character in a little-known soft-core sex flick two years before Tom created the role that won him an Oscar. In “Buford’s Beach Bunnies,” Jim invented the “now-famous jerky run associated with Forrest Gump” and, like Gump, showed a shy politeness toward women by calling them “ma’am…”
On second thought, if you actually have seen "Buford's Beach Bunnies," then you really are a disgusting pervert. Get the hell away from me.

Source

Monday, September 11, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.11.06


First, I want to congratulate you, Spanks for being rewarded for the excellent writer you are. Good luck at Yeeeah!

To the rest of you. I'm no Spanks and I'm not even going to try to be. You can tell because I'm making you Spank It Yourself first thing this morning. If I had a quarter for every time I said that, I'd have a quarter. So let's light this candle.

On September 7th, Anna Nicole Smith gives birth to her daughter, only to lose her son Daniel suddenly a couple of days later. Great, my first story is a fucking buzz kill. (Perez Hilton)

Here's an update to that story (Nassau Guardian)

I'm not so sure Rosie McDonnell is the right weapon to be using to get your career back. Try all you want, but you can't fix crazy (or gay). (TMZ)

Just when we thought this bitch didn't have a leg to stand on, Paul McCartney turns around and offers her 72 million to STFU. (dlisted)

And yet, ANOTHER reason to fucking hate PETA. I'm getting my fur coat and seal club out of the closet and waiting outside for them as soon as I post this. Then, I'm going to order a veal parm sub when they are within earshot. Watch for me on the news. (MSNBC)

Today is a day to mourn the citizens and the heros killed during 9/11. It's also a day to celebrate the resilience of the people of this great country. The nation marks the 5th anniversary of 9/11. (MSN)

MORE LIKE OCEAN'S 65


I just didn't think Brad Pitt could look any worse than he did on this month's cover of Esquire, and then I find these pics of him at the Toronto Film Festival. The guy looks like he aged 20 years in two weeks. Would a little botox kill ya, Brad? Or a little powder? Jeez. Maybe when Angie gives him his testicles back he'll regain that youthful glow.


Sunday, September 10, 2006

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M A SELLOUT WHORE


My dear, dear fans and readers,

I am currently in the process of turning over SPANK CHEEKS into the very capable hands of one Miss Zanna Granny. I'll still be around some this week, and on occasion in the future, but I'm moving on to greener pastures, boys and girls. And by "greener pastures," I mean, "somewhere people will pay me money." That's right -- as of tomorrow, I'll be writing for the gossip blog Yeeeah!.

Don't think for a moment I'm giving up the beautiful vision that was SPANK CHEEKS. This blog will always be near and dear to my heart, and my minions were both witty and loyal to a fault. You guys are the best and I credit you with the steady climb in numbers. Thanks.

I am entrusting the golden paddle to Miss Zanna --one of the sexiest, funniest, most rapist-tongued ladies I've ever met -- so celebrity spankings will not be in short supply. Her real takeover won't be until later in the month, but I thought I'd give you a little time to clean up shop and put on your Sunday best before she arrives.

Like I said, this is still my baby, and I will be back. I love you all.

spank cheeks

Friday, September 08, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.08.06


All John Travolta needs now is a vagina and his transformation is complete. (Hollywood Rag)

Jessica gives her publicist the heave-ho after the John Mayer debacle. (Pop Sugar)

Kristin Cavallari is one desperate ho. (IDLYITW)

Matthew McConaughey has stubby little T-Rex arms. (City Rag)

Britney Spears checked into St. John's Medical Center yesterday for a scheduled c-section; "Jailynn" should be arriving some time today. (Perez Hilton)

Ellen Degeneres is this year's Oscar host. (OMG! WTF?)

THEY'RE REAL, BABY, AND THEY'RE SPECTACULAR


First, allow me to begin this post by saying, "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!" That said:

Daniele Venturelli, the photographer who took the pictures of Lindsay Lohan genitals in Venice, confirmed that the pictures of Lindsay's snatch are real and untouched. The second round of photos -- the ones showing Lindsay sporting a pair of pink panties under her dress-- are the doctored pictures. What Would Tyler Durder Do? reveals
The EXIF data stored in the original picture confirms this. It lists Venturelli as the photographer and the caption begins “Looks like Lindsay Lohan forgot to put on her knickers before attending Venice Film Festival…” And the original is the only version avaible on photo image websites, such as Matrix and Wire Image.
So, what of the shopped panty pics? From whence did they come? And why? I figure it was done by her PR people and "leaked" on the internet in an attempt to spare her the shame and humiliation that accompanies having the entire world see your bright red droopy labia. When you have a puss that looks like a hollowed out ballsac and still choose to freeball under a dress, well -- you've dug your own grave, missy. It's just that simple.

Source

HOW TO LOOK UNATTRACTIVE IN A PICTURE


HOW TO LOOK UNATTRACTIVE IN A PICTURE:


1. Slouch

2. Don't tuck in your shirt, but don't untuck it all the way either.

3. Neutrals, neutrals, neutrals, baby!

4. Furrow your brow.

5. Squint while you're furrowing your brow.

6. Bend your knees and try to tilt your pelvis forward and up. Think "hunchback."

7. Refuse any makeup.

8. Wear a faggy bracelet

9. Make sure your pants "blouse"

10. Make a face like you just saw the pictures of Lindsay Lohan's shorn meat hat.

NICOLE RICHIE VISITS THE DOCTOR


Lionel Richie says he took daughter Nicole to a doctor, who assured him she’s not anorexic. MSN elaborates
“I stood in front of [the doctor], just like you and I now," [Richie said]. "I looked him in the eyes, and I said ‘Is it anorexia?’ And he said ‘It isn’t anorexia."

[Lionel] says Nicole’s weight loss is “stress-related” and he believes it’s due to his divorce from her mother and from all the media attention his daughter gets. “I live with the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana... I always know when Nicole is on her way home because she is always followed by a helicopter and seven cars. It’s harassment.”
Lionel also claims that tabloid shots of Nicole are photoshopped to make her appear even skinnier than she is.

I don't know what kind of "doctor" Lionel took Skeletor to, but any physician that appraises her emaciated frame and lifeless skin and thinning hair and then proclaims her eating-disorder free is a fucking hack. For the record, spiritual healers are not doctors. Also, if the sign above the office reads "The Doktor Is In" and it's hand-lettered on a cardboard sign in an alleyway that smells like tinkle, probably not a doctor either. Trust me on that one.

Source

LINDSAY LOHAN'S BAG STOLEN


TMZ is reporting that Lindsay Lohan had her Hermes bag stolen at Heathrow Airport yesterday.
Sources say the contents of the missing bag total upwards of $1 million. They continue to say "it is alleged that [Lindsay]... noticed that an orange Hermès handbag was missing from her suitcase trolley." The bag... contained "a quantity of jewelry."

Lindsay's rep, Leslie Sloane, says "She is begging for the return of the items. She doesn't care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back." The Hermès Birkin bag that was stolen also contained Lindsay's much needed asthma medication.
Fate just won't stop bending Lohan over and giving it to her up the ass lately. I mean, her asthma medicine was in there. If there's one thing a smoker absolutely needs, it's her asthma inhaler. And what about those pricey baubles? I've never seen Lindsay wearing any jewelry that didn't look like it came from Claire's Boutique, but apparently she's amassed quite a stash of valuables.

And speaking of stash, what do you wanna bet that some lucky bastard did blow 'til four a.m. courtesy of one very large and very free orange Hermes Birkin bag? Thieves get all the sweet deals.


Source

Thursday, September 07, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.07.06

Lindsay Lohan loves taking shameful pictures of herself. (Egotastic!)

David Spade and Heather Locklear lasted all of a Hollywood Minute. (Us Weekly)

I wish more celebrities would face-plant on the concrete. So far, Kevin Costner is the only taker. (Defamer)

Britney Spears isn't bothering with baby name books. (The Superficial)

If you love crap, then you're gonna love Nicole Richie's first single. (MollyGood)

Give Scarlett Johannsen a drink and she might break and enter on your ass. (Hollywood Tuna)

Everybody's saying that pictures of Lohan's puss yesterday were photoshopped. However, I think the pictures showing underwear are the fakes. I think you'll agree. (WWTDD)

Lastly, since that Lins beaver shot might have been a fake, here's another beaver shot I'm sure is the real deal... and it's very vagina-y and NSFW -- make sure that fat chick from accounting isn't peering over your shoulder.

PARIS BLOWS... A .08

TMZ is reporting that overexposed socialite Paris Hilton was arrested Thursday morning for a DUI. Paris blew a .08 after leaving a charity event in Hollywood, and if convicted, Paris will be given three months' probation and have her license restricted for 90 days. The LAPD will not be releasing her mug shot to the public, but I'm betting the unstoppable internet will leak it sometime today. TMZ spoke with Paris as she was driving home from jail, saying
[Paris] says she "regrets it occurred," and adds that she has been up for 24 hours, having shot a music video all day... Paris says she had nothing to eat and no rest the entire day.
Just how Paris hasn't been arrested for a DUI before is a mystery to me. How many video clips do we need of her stumbling and giggling like a moron before she sloshes into her car with some sweaty companions and then speeds away? Really. I have sex with a minor and videotape it one time and the cops are all over me. Fucking pigs always keep a sister down.

Thanks to spank-nasty AE2 CVN69, Italian Stallion and Zeze for the lead(s).

Source

MARIAH TANS HER HIDE


Mariah Carey loves the Mystic Tan. She insists on being coated with it on her "Emancipation of Mimi" tour, even going so far as to hire someone whose exclusive job is to laquer her bovine figure before every show for the rest of the tour. According to Page Six, Mimi's rep divulged
"[The self-tanner chick] is on tour with Mariah and they are developing an exclusive line of bronzer containing real 24-karat gold dust."
Coating a black person with self-tanner on a bi-weekly basis sounds like some kind of Sisyphus-ian hell to me. Can a black person ever be too tan? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? What is the square root of 9,760,034? There just are some questions that will never be answered in our lifetime.

Source

MARCIA CROSS IS KNOCKED UP

Marcia Cross of "Desperate Housewives" revealed yesterday that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is due in April.

This blew my freakin' mind! Marcia is 44 years old. OLD. Also, Marcia is a redhead. I can't believe somebody would have sex with an old person, much less an old person with red hair. It's just adding insult to injury. I usually find that you can get away with one glaring fault -- like a lazy eye, or being old, or a cleft palate, or red hair -- but when you pick two from the hat, well, you're just shit-outta-luck.

Source

PAM ANDERSON CAN DO IT HERSELF

Pamela Anderson can finally put on her own make-up -- all by herself! Pam explains
“I never wore makeup in Canada and when I moved to L.A., Playboy did my makeup and hair so I never really learned to do it myself.”
And all this time I though she just stuffed some foundation, lip liner and blue eyeshadow into a Homer Simpson-style "makeup gun" and fired directly into her own face. I also considered that maybe she was legally blind and had hired an out-of-work drag queen as her personal makeup artist.

Source

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.06.06


Mischa Barton's shorts reveal some massive dimpling. (Hollywood Rag)

John Mayer and Jessica Simpson were never a couple. (WWTDD)

Paris' CD gets hacked; the fakes are going for $400 on eBay. That's $399 more than the average person would pay for the real one. (Egotastic)

Julia Roberts smells like balls. (Page Six)

I told you guys that Christina Aguilera was a tranny! She's on this month's cover of "The Advocate," a magazine targeted towards gays and lesbians. They're probably doing a feature on "Drag Queens." (Faded Youth)

E! decided not to broadcast the pre-Emmy show in "high def" because of Teri Hatcher's digusting forehead veins. (RadarOnline)

Gwen Stefani is now a dress-up doll. Dress-up, not blow-up, perverts. (Perez Hilton)

A "SIT DOWN" WITH THE FIRECROTCH

I always thought that the insult "firecrotch" referenced the red hair that comprised Lindsay Lohan's bush. You know, the whole "the curtains match the carpet" bit. Well, have a look at this picture of The Firecrotch up close and personal.

It is now apparent that the term "firecrotch" actually refers to her waxing her genitals bare and then inviting a swarm of fire ants to descend upon her pubic mound and feast. It seems the only logical conclusion for that unnatural color. Instead of your typical "pink taco" vagina, it's more like a "magenta catcher's mitt." The photo below is technically NSFW, but it doesn't even look like a real vagina, so you could probably get away with it if you wanted to sneak a peek. Those are either the external labia, or very very tiny testicles.



A sloppy, open-mouthed kiss goes out to the delicious Zanna for the tip.

Source

TEARS OF A CLOWN


Jessica Simpson surprised fans by singing "With You" on the "CBS Early Show" yesterday, a song which was released during the peak of Nick and Jessica's reality show "Newlyweds" and features a music video in which the just-married couple cavort happily in their mansion.

The "Newlyweds" memory may have been too much for Jessica, because moments after she finished the song, she began sobbing on hairdresser/gay minion Ken Paves' shoulder. Everybody saw. So either she was overcome by a wave of song-induced nostalgia, or else she realized that the only reason anyone had even heard of the song in the first place is because of "Newlyweds" and not because anyone actually bought her album because she sucks.

P.S. Super-groovy duds, Jessica! No matter what anyone else says, the late 60's were the height of fashion.

Source

KATE AND ORLANDO CALL IT QUITS

Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth have broken up. Although they have yet to publicly announce the split, a friend of the couple confirms that they are so over.

Look out, ladies, the skinniest puss in Hollywood is single again!

Source

MEET SURI CRUISE



The first pictures of Suri Cruise were debuted on CBS Evening News with Katie Couric last night. Suri's no Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, that's for sure, but the thing Tom and "Kate" are posing with is definitely a baby. Or maybe a robot baby. It's pretty convincing, for a robot. Robots babies must be the wave of the future.

Photo Source

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 9.05.06


Artsy pics of Kate Moss. And by "artsy" I mean "lots of nipple." (Egotastic!)

What's it like to be in a lesbian car crash? (TMZ)

See if you can guess which Jew-hating drunken homophobe Hollywood actor has a son who also got busted drinking and driving? (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

Paris and Brandon are blackballed from Bungalow 8. Score 1, Team Firecrotch! (WWTDD)

Kelly Clarkson saw it first! Sorry, porn stars, dibs are dibs. (IDLYITW)

Baby Suri pictures are coming tomorrow. Or at least, a picture of a baby they're claiming is Suri. (MollyGood)

HARRY MORTON LOVES HIM SOME BREAST IMPLANTS

Harry Morton spent a little time in Hawaii kneading rumored fiancee Lindsay Lohan's fake tits. Maybe not "kneading", really; maybe more like "poking" and "cupping." I'm predicting two months before he actually finger-bangs her in public.

Here are a couple of up-close shots of the hot boobery action. Sorry they're so tiny. Not the boobies! The thumbnails.



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I SMELL A SEX CHANGE

For those of you still unconvinced as to the true sexual nature of Christina "Xtina Baby Jane" Aguilera, allow me to present the following photographs:

I know that thing once had a penis. You're a tranny, baby! A tranny.

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POSH IS PREGNANT

The Spanish TV show "Gente" showed footage of David Beckham telling a photographer that his wife, Victoria, was pregnant. This came as an absolute shock to me, because I figured Posh's "baby box" was dry and shriveled up from the years of not eating. Good thing a developing fetus can just leech the calcium straight from your bones! No need to bother with "nutrition" or anything that might make you fat.

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A DESPERATE PLOY


What should you do if your show sucks and ratings are looking dismal? If you guessed something involving the words "sex" and "leak," well, ABC wants to hire you. A minute-long sex scene from next season's "Desperate Housewives" was discovered this weekend on YouTube.
The... fully edited clip runs just over a minute and features Bree (Marcia Cross) and new boy-toy Orson (Kyle MacLachlan) in bed, with the underwear-clad housewife protesting her partner's attempt to give her oral sex.

"I don't do that," she says. "I'm a Republican."

"I'm a Libertarian," Orson replies. "I believe in minimizing the role of the state and maximizing individual rights. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

Orson then disappears offscreen, while the camera cuts to a shot of a running faucet filling up a sink containing dirty dishes. As the sink runneth over, well, so does Bree.
This "stolen" and "leaked" bit of show is coincidentally the same clip included in an official promo for the show's third season. ABC swears up and down that no one at the network leaked the footage to incite internet buzz, but Variety suggest otherwise, saying
Many industry types expressed disbelief that such top-secret footage could have been spread by a production assistant or other low-level staffer, suggesting that the leak was an intentional promotional ploy, rather than a confidentiality breach.
Of course a network exec is behind the leak! The clip was fully-edited? C'mon. Besides, that's the most boring sex scene I've ever not watched. If I was going to leak something to stir up interest, the sex scene would involve at seven or eight people, a couple of gerbils, and Marica Cross being sacrificed to the devil. And maybe something known as "anal fisting."

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Monday, September 04, 2006

THE CROCODILE HUNTER HUNTS NO MORE


Steve Irwin, the perma-khaki-clad Australian host of Animal Planet's "The Crocodile Hunter," was killed Monday while diving off the coast of Australia. People magazine reports
"Irwin, 44, was filming a documentary was about the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state when a stingray barb pierced his chest. Irwin leaves behind wife Terri, 42, daughter Bindi, 8, and son Bob, 2."
I've got nothing witty or sarcastic to say about this. Children everywhere adored him, and he seemed like a pretty nice family guy. However, if you were looking for a reason to start drinking early today, this is it. Cheers, mate.

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Friday, September 01, 2006

A WHORED-OUT WIPE-OUT


Paris Hilton can't even fall down without looking like a whore. Nice boob-save.

You can see the looks of concern on everybody's faces: Civilians use this sidewalk! We musn't let her cooter touch the ground! God only knows how long it would have taken to get hazmat teams out there.


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