SPANK CHEEKS

Friday, September 29, 2006

ANNA NICOLE MAY BE MORE FUCKED UP THAN ME


As you know, I was feeling bad for the whole Anna Nicole thing about her son, etc. But that lasted for like a MINUTE. Get a load of this shit . According to STAR magazine, Anna Nicole has married her lawyer, Howard K. Stern, yesterday morning. WHAT THE FUCK? I think she mourned that old guy she married a little longer and harder than her son. Star reports:

In a world-exclusive report, an eyewitness tells Star that Anna, 38, and Howard, 37, tied the knot shortly before 10:30 am on the morning of September 28, while sailing on a white catamaran off of Nassau! "There was heavy security around the yacht, plus extra speedboats to deliver more supplies as needed (including unlimited Dom Perignon champagne) from the mainland to the catamaran," says the eyewitness, who adds that the wedding party celebrated the union afterwards by having a swim party around the yacht -- "and Anna was wearing a pink bikini!"
I was reading that some legal experts have been saying that the marriage is a cover up to hide who the real father of the baby is and there is some law in the Bahamas that says if you marry someone after the baby is born..blah blah blah... Who gives a fuck? You had a healthy baby girl and you just lost you son. I’m more interested if she’s back on the Trimpsa. Or if the baby got any of that Dom Perignon breast milk. Or how the hell do you wear a bikini two weeks after a C-section?

But I’ll tell you what, despite all that,….if my son just died and I was “devastated”, you wouldn’t catch me having a swim party or wearing a pink bikini, let alone getting married. I WOULD however, be drinking heavily but it wouldn’t be Dom Perignon because I couldn’t afford it. I wouldn't have extra speedboats, but I would have Brazilian children on bicycles to get my drugs and go to the liquor store for me. I would also be topless, wearing black boyshorts and drinking a bottle of Thunderbird and shaking my fist at the sky on the front porch playing Ozzy Osbourne’s “Mama I’m coming home” full blast and on repeat. I’d feel bad for making fun of the situation but how can I when a story like this hits the newswire. You can’t. She's already made a mockery of it and as far as I'm concerned, if you can’t beat ‘em..join ‘em.

14 Comments:

Blogger Italian Stallion said...

What did the negro get on his I.Q. test?




Answer: Grape drink.............

9:01 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

She really sounds distraught over everything that's happened.

Kind of like OJ.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Zanna said...

Stallion....did you see Dave Chappelle's bit on "grape drink vs. grape juice?"

Wow...you me and Wally are all Libras. Big birthday bash next month!

9:25 AM  
Anonymous My Well Rehearsed Mistake said...

Anna Nicole... 'cos this is the right way to behave after you've just lost your child in very suspicious circumstances. This woman is a fruit-loop, I don't think she should be allowed to take care of a young baby.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Italian Stallion said...

Zanna:

Half my material comes from Chappelle. It was the commercial about sunny d, and the little black kid was like "fuck that I want the grape drink"..........

9:48 AM  
Blogger Italian Stallion said...

P.S. My birthday is tomorrow!!! Whens yours?

9:48 AM  
Blogger Zanna said...

Mine is 10/10. Happy Birthday!!!! All the cool kids are Libras.

I loved that part of that skit...he's like.."look at the face of the black kid in the back..and Chappelle is craning his neck making that face before he says fuck that I want grape drink.." HYSTERICAL!

10:13 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

zanna, I hate to burst your beautiful bubble, but my 'profile birthday' changes like Tranny was changing Jim Beam bottles while you were gone. (often)


I'm an Aries in real life.

10:32 AM  
Blogger chillytatas said...

Happy Birthday Stallion, Wally, and Zanna!!! Mine was the 25. Yes, we Libras are sexy.

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Damn it, WHY do I have to be a Gemini! I am so depressed. I think I shall kill myself. I have decided upon next Friday as the day! /me pokes Walrus.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Zanna said...

God Wally...you are SUCH a troll..even stealing zodiac signs now...

; )

11:32 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

Excellent memory dragulf.

Now don't let us down, like some asshole we know did !!


TROLLS SUCK... and they're ugly!

12:30 PM  
Blogger oshkoshb-goshdammgosh said...

I'm a saggitarius, so if my son died I would have a bikini party with all my Malibu Barbies in a gas station bathroom while some Habib beat on the door trying to get me out but I wouldn't hear him because of my sobbing and loud gurgling of the bottle of Wild Irish Rose that I pour down my throat while singing "Endless Love" and the theme song from "Chips" (to which there are no words), laying prostrate to the toilet in an airbrushed t-shirt, "Apple Bottom" jeans, and fuzzy slippers, because I am a negro. Oh, and I'd probably have Aliyah or Biggie airbrushed on my shirt, not my son, in case you were wondering.

8:25 AM  
Anonymous TrannyGranny said...

FUCK Dragulf?

Are you me? You are in Arizona, the coolest place in the nation, and my homestate AND you are a Gemini?

If I go out in a fit of hippy-hating rage one day, I wish to be encased in lime Jello, and dropped from a helicopter from 2,178.66 feet in the air (if anyone gets THAT reference, I'll suck their genitalia) at high noon on the summer equinox. Directly onto Jessica Alba. Cuz it is only compassionate to put her out of her misery when she learns she will never have me again. STOP Stalking Me, Bitch, It's OVER!

8:35 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home