Friday, September 01, 2006


The MTV Video Music Awards were last night, confirming rumors that MTV actually does show music videos in between episodes of "Pimp My Ride," "Laguna Beach" and "Cribs." I watched the entire lame-ass show just so I could give you a completely objective review of the night's events, but I also drank a whole bottle of Robitussin yesterday, so remembering is hard.

I do recall that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie both presented, as did Nick and Jessica, but there were no awkward near-misses or hair-pulling confrontations. And Britney Spears and K-Fed presented the R&B video winner from home, post a painfully prerehearsed skit in which K-Fed inquired about his smokes and Britney responded, "If they were up your ass you'd know." Ha, ha! Then they both pretended that they couldn't find their baby. Hilarious stuff. I just laughed and laughed. If they'd spiked Sean Preston on his head and then tossed him behind the wheel of a car, I might have just wet myself. Nothing is as funny as being an unfit parent! Or watching unfit parents present awards while "Robo-ing."

Some more curious happenings:

Sean "Douchebag" Combs refused the indignanty of actually having to talk to John Norris; he just stood there with his arms crossed through an entire red carpet interview and made his spokesman answer the questions for him. He had this smug, asisine smirk on his face everytime the whipping boy had to open his mouth instead of him.

Lil' Kim rolled onstage wearing an orange prison jumpsuit; then she ripped it off, showcasing a gold bustier and about fifty extra pounds.

That group OK GO did that treadmill dance for "Here It Goes Again" for the first time live.

Big winners for the night: Some band I never heard of, Beyoncé, Meth Mouth and Company (aka The Black Eyed Peas), James Blunt, Kelly Clarkson and the Pussycat Dolls. I remember somebody shouting "Positive hip hop can really make it," as they accepted their award, but I was throwing up right then, so I can't really tell you who it was, and I don't care anyway because I hate hip-hop. Especially positive hip-hop. Click here for a list of who actually won what.

Then Al Gore mysteriously appeared and said something about global warming and I was crying from throwing up so hard, so I just went to bed with my shoes on and everything, and forgot that I'd left a lit cigarette on the arm of the couch so it burned straight through and got lost in the nether regions of my sofa. Don't worry -- I poured some beer down the inside of the couch, just to be safe. Boy, does it smell like ass in here today!

Okay, the now for the Golden Paddles:

Best Halloween Costume:

Shakira, Genie

Most Chernobyl-esque Fake Tan:

A newly cropped Jessica Simpson

Ugliest Dress on a Hot Chick:

Petra Nemcova, for her beige satin sackcloth and matching head-yarn.

Best Post-Op Tranny:

Christina Aguilera

Best Intergalatic Sex Slave Costume:




Anonymous easy e said...

I've been sitting here, waiting for a new post, spanks.... I've been at work for half an hour with nothing!!

7:01 AM  
Anonymous My Well Rehearsed Mistake said...

Oh, Spanks, your posts never disappoint. Took me ages to recover after laughing so much... You've made my day.

What the fuck is up with Beyonce's dress? I guess her mother still makes her clothes then, not that you can tell.

7:18 AM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

Don't the Spears understand that people do Not like them?

Christina's dress pulls your eyes to her crotch region! Yeah!

I hope ya get well soon Spankcheeks. And get a new couch.

7:28 AM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

Because of the proximity of where K-Fruit keeps his cigaretts, does that mean he blows smoke out of his ass??

What's an 'OK GO"?

In that picture of Aguilera, the dress looks very Ginger Grant-ish.

7:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I was hoping that they were bringing Lil Kim on stage to be publicly executed... last time I listen to my weed guy when he tells me he has a hot tip about the show. Pee Shitty's new silence shtick suits him well, but where the hell is Suge Knight when you really need him???
Jack Black was by far the absolute worst host of any awards show ever. He was worse than this obese one legged lady I saw last year emceeing a cow chip tossing competition. And she had a tracheostomy and one of those mics that make your voice sound like a Transformer.
I was screaming, BEGGING, for a wardrobe malfunction during Beyonce's performance, but that's just because I love latte colored tits with nips the color of chocolate chips. MMMMMM.
And how the hell is it possible that Lil Kim and Fergie look almost identical? Damn you Dr. 90210, damn you to hell!!!

8:15 AM  
Blogger litelysalted said...

Thanks for taking one for the team, Spanks!

Don't the Spears understand that people do Not like them?

Hee! I think that's precisely why they get so much publicity. I think watching Fatney and K-Fed has similar appeal to seeing the Jackasses kick each other in the nuts. (again) If they do understand people are laughing at them and not with them, I don't even think they care just so long as they're still on TV.

9:01 AM  
Anonymous GEMBLE said...


Sorry, I'd still hit Petra Nemcova. Is that better, pussies?

9:04 AM  
Blogger LadyJane said...

I do love you spanks.

I love you in a with all my hand in my panties kind of way.

9:41 AM  
Anonymous xxx said...

LMAO Spanks! :) Too funny!

11:55 AM  
Blogger smellypiratehooker said...

I thought Fergie looked hot in those little shorts with the tie. Meow!

12:34 PM  
Blogger spankcheeks said...

In all seriousness, folks, Robitussin kills. Remember that.

Okay, maybe it doesn't kill per se, but it really fucks you up. And being fucked up is awesome.

1:17 PM  
Anonymous evil bunny said...

damn, 'cheeks, you should have called me!
i've got a mix of nyquil, codeine, and robitussin that will fix you...
oh. shit.
sorry. that was jagermeister.

*shakes head and wanders off to find the morphine*

3:15 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

I bet Lil' Kim can pick up a volkswagen with her buttcheeks.

4:17 PM  
Blogger cock-ninja said...

I think she all ready did that and then put her dress over it.

4:19 PM  
Anonymous tp21 said...

You forgot 'ugliest hat' and 'worse use of buttons': JENNNIFER LOPEZ!!!

5:44 PM  
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8:25 PM  
Anonymous morning glory said...

spanks, you've been spammed!

10:14 PM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

I just clicked that fucking link!
My computer better not get an influenza.

That'll teach me to stay up late and stick my cursor where it doesn't belong and to love Spanks hand across my bare bottom so much that I WOULD die for her.

Loyalty is next to Godliness

11:24 PM  

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