SPANK CHEEKS

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.31.06


Tension between Reese and Ryan was witnessed two weeks ago (popsugar)

Keith Urban can do it for three hours! (celebitchy)

Red string can protect you from the “evil eye”. Good. I’ll mummify myself tonight. (msnbc)

Ivana-nother drink! Trump tossed out of benefit. (dlisted)

Is Kelly Clarkson healthy or fat? (idlyitw)

Victoria “Posh” Beckham smiles in public…hides it with book (thebastardly)

Someone make it stop….Pete Doherty admits he gets turned on wearing Kate Moss’ clothes (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

PARIS HILTON PREFERS FOOD OVER SEX


Paris Hilton is still trying to convince us she’s just a “girl next door” (if you lived next to a brothel or a methadone clinic) According to PR inside:

Socialite PARIS HILTON insists her sultry image is all an act and that she would rather eat than have sex.

Although the STARS ARE BLIND singer became famous after a sex tape she filmed with former boyfriend RICK SOLOMON was released on the internet in 2003, she says she doesn't deserve her racy reputation.

She tells Seventeen magazine, "People shouldn't judge me and assume that's how I am. "I get in so many fights with guys who are like, 'In public, you are the sexiest sex symbol, but you're not sexual at all at home.' "I'm like, 'Whatever, shut up. I don't wanna be.' I'd rather watch a movie or LOST, or like, eat."
Ha! Can you imagine getting Paris home and she didn't put out? That's called a 'bait and switch" and it's illegal in most states.
All I know is if having herpes and flashing her cha-cha is an “act” then someone give this girl a friggin' Oscar because she's got me thoroughly convinced that she is a slut. However, I am confused by her choosing food over sex. Because after I saw that Carl Jr. commercial she did I thought it wasn’t either/or. I got the distinct impression it was both. Like in that episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza felt that adding food to is repertoire (sans the cured meats) would enhance his sex life.
Wow. I started with methodone clinics and ended with cured meats. It’s this very thought process that requires me to have my lifetime prescription to Ambien.


ITALIAN STALLION TO QUIT ACTING


You know, I was under the impression he decided to quit acting long ago. But it seems Sylvester Stallone has decided to make it official:

Hollywood hardman SYLVESTER STALLONE is so sick of making bad movies, he is quitting acting to become a director.

The RAMBO star’s big screen career has slipped in recent years, and he holds the embarrassing accolade of the most Golden Raspberry Awards of any actor.After he has finished forthcoming sequel RAMBO IV: IN THE SERPENT’S EYE, which he is also directing, the 60-year-old will step permanently behind the camera.

He says, "After I make this, I see my future as a director. "I’ve been displeased with my last few films, as well as some in the past."
I hope this last Rocky movie isn’t one that he’s displeased with, because I have to tell you...I went to see the trailer for “In the Serpent’s Eye”…and I liked it. A LOT. I don't know if it's because I'n a boxing fan or if it's really good. I basically don't trust my instincts. You're talking to someone who couldn't even decide last night if she wanted paper or plastic at the grocery store, so take it for what its worth.

All I know is I liked it; and I hope this isn’t one of those movies where all the best parts are in the trailer and then you go and it blows goats. If you want to see the trailer, click here.

Source

Monday, October 30, 2006

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.30.06


There is a dealer in Hollywood who is probably out of a job (perezhilton)

Lindsay Lohan is a bulimic whore (yeeeah!)

He doesn't have to prove it. She freely admits it. Somebody tell McFly’s drummer to read Abby’s post at Yeeeah! (starpulse)

Whitney Houston is back (popsugar)

Kid Rock is putting in Pam’s extensions (starfruitgossip)

Bill Maher is a dick (hotrag)

Well, she’s either a real readhead or she asked her stylist for a “batch to match the snatch” (intogossip)

K-Fed concerts cancelled due to lack of interest (pagesix)

Madonna knew another woman wanted to adopt David first (celebitchy)

Anna Nicole to "unbury" her son (thesuperficial)

Sunday, October 29, 2006

TOM CRUISE DESTROYS LIMOUSINE?


Hollywood star TOM CRUISE has laughed off rumours he became so angry during a phone conversation while riding in a limousine, he destroyed a car seat. A driver from New York limousine service Partners Executive Cars has been telling passengers an anecdote about his alleged famous client Cruise.

A recent passenger tells the New York Daily News, "He told us he was driving Tom Cruise recently and he was talking animatedly on his cell phone."When the discussion became heated, he punched the seat with a pen he was holding and put a hole in it." The driver claims he argued with Cruise about the seat damage and the actor offered to pay for the repairs.However, Cruise’s spokesman insists the tale is not true, saying, "I’ve never even heard of that car company."

Well, I dunno if a poke in a seat is "destroyed"...but still...

Go ahead and laugh it off, Tommy, boy. You know how I know it’s true? Because if someone was going to make up a story about Tom Cruise wrecking a limo, it wouldn’t just be poking a pen in the seat.

My limo? My rendition? He’d be jumping up and down on in the backseat like it was Oprah’s couch and using an L. Ron Hubbard book to keep tempo to Bob Seger’s Old time Rock ‘N Roll. If you are going to lie..LIE BIG. That’s what Anna Nicole does.

STOP THE SHOW!


You celebrity gossip mongers might like this..

Stop the Show! A History of Insane Incidents and Absurd Accidents in the Theater by Brad Schreiber has just been released and is a hilarious read about fucked up things that happened during live performances. Kind of like a blooper reel.

Among the outrageous and mind-boggling events during live performances:

Richard Burton, after an afternoon of drinking with his brothers, accidentally urinates through his tights while swordfighting Michael Redgrave at Stratford-upon-Avon.

The Second City Toronto member who took LSD for the first time feels its effects hours later...in the middle of a comedy sketch, posing as a taxi cab driver.

A homeless woman climbs onstage during a production of Cats on Broadway, rubs up against stunned, costumed performers and begins singing off-key.

In London's intimate Bush Theatre, an actor finds himself onstage with a petrified burglar who sneaked inside the building to rob it, not knowing it was a theatre.

An April Fool's Day announcement in a Broadway theatre, claiming that Glenn Close, Richard Dreyfus and Gene Hackman all have understudies going on for them creates a mass exodus from the theatre before the audience can learn it's a joke.

Interested? Click here.

JEN FLIES TO LONDON TO SERVICE VINCE

After realizing no one else wanted them, Jennnifer Aniston flew to London to service Vince Vaugn in a penthouse suite, where they dined on a carnivorous meal of steak and veal, accompanied by red wine. US reports:

After nearly 60 days apart, Jennifer Aniston has arrived to see Vince Vaughn. On the night of October 27, Us has learned that the actors shared the penthouse suite at a London hotel, where the pair ordered room service (steak, veal and red wine). It was the first time the on-off-on again couple had seen each other since their break up (a split that an Aniston friend later downgraded to a "break"). The next day, on Saturday, October 28, the couple took in a matinee performance of the musical Wicked, then returned to the hotel.

Aniston, who once decried reports of a romance with Vaughn as false on Oprah, returned to the show earlier this month to deny a split.
Can’t you just envision it? Vince, all bloated and drunk…laying on the bed, robe stained and open; he's eating his steak with his bare hands and its dripping all over him; his hair all crazy. Then he gets that drunken “seductive” look and says (while he hiccups OR belches)…”c’mere and give daddy some sugar” as he grabs his package and smirks at her. That’s usually when I think to myself, “I shaved my twat for THIS?” Then look to see if we have enough booze to set my beer goggles on stun, because I’ve just realized what a horrible mistake I’ve made and checkout 'aint till noon tomorrow.

Lemons into lemonade...

MCCARTNEY AND MILLS CALL TEMPORARY TRUCE

Paul and Gimpy agreed on a temporary truce yesterday (October 28) so they could celebrate their daughter Beatrice’s third birthday in Hastings, England. They arrived separately and left separately but for two and half teeth gritting, fist clenching hours, they maintained a united front for the sake of their daughter.

Meanwhile, Stella McCartney vowed to “kill the bitch”. The Australian reports:

Pregnant Stella McCartney reportedly had to be restrained by the former Beatle at the family home upon hearing that Heather Mills had claimed Sir Paul hit his first wife, Linda, who is Stella's late mother.

“I can't believe what she's doing, I'm going to kill her,” a source quoted Stella as saying in today's News of the World.

“She's been a manipulative cow from day one.

“The cow won't be happy until she destroys all of us - and our memories of our mother.”
And I’m not going to be happy until I see a picture of Heather homeless in Trafalgar square, with a tin cup playing the spoon on her prosthetic leg. And attacked by pigeons with explosive diarrhea. So save the Trafalgar Pigeons!!!! I need them to do my nefarious bidding. Which is to shit all over Stella McCartney when she doesn’t have a pot to piss in. Oh, sweet, sweet irony...I do love you so.

FIRECROTCH NEEDS AN INTERVENTION

There are a couple of stories about Lindsay Lohan today that have caught my eye. One where she claimed she was laying there “screaming and screaming” and that she had a swollen liver, etc…..and how she learned from it. In an interview with News of the World she is quoted as saying:

"I feel like I've lived five lifetimes and I am only 20," she says in one of the most searingly frank interviews ever given by a Hollywood A-lister.

"You have to hit rock bottom sometimes to get yourself back to the top."

……"I lay there screaming, throwing things, because the pains were so intense in my head and my liver. In the end I didn't even have the strength to take a shower," says the actress and pop singer.

"It was terrifying. But going through s*** makes me that much stronger."
Well, nice TRY Lindsay. I’m sure, like most addicts, you feel like you have control over your problem. And then something like this happens. TMZ ran an exclusive today:

At 6:45 am, a TMZ spy spotted Lindsay at Olive and Sunset in Hollywood, near a dog park. Lindsay was sitting in her parked black Cadillac Escalade and our spy, who was walking his dog, could see Lohan through the tinted windows, "freaking out" and talking on her phone.

Then, Lohan called our spy over and told him that two men in a silver Toyota 4Runner -- parked behind her -- had been following her for the last two hours, trying to "hit" her vehicle. Our spy reports that "she seemed out of it," that it appeared she'd been out all night, and that she'd clearly been crying, with mascara running down her face. "I've called the cops," said Lindsay of her alleged pursuers. "But the cops can't catch them."

What Lindsay didn't even realize in her reduced state was that the two men in the Toyota were actually paparazzi. Our spy saw them snapping away. And, he says, as their vehicle started to creep up on Lindsay's Escalade, she shifted into drive, hit the gas and took off. The paparazzi followed her.
Look, I’m just as guilty as following and tormenting people who don’t deserve it as these paparazzi are. Personally, I like to tailgate kids with the big signs that say STUDENT DRIVER. And I’m not happy until they are crying and trying to make a three point turn while I’m laying on the horn and calling them names.

But I digress. My point is, this girl needs and intervention and needs it quick. I’d make fun of her, but in my day, I’ve known too many people with addictions to know this is going nowhere good.

Friday, October 27, 2006

HALLOWANNABES

AOL has this contest going on where you can dress up like your favorite celebrity and send them into them and they'll add it to their gallery. One particular gallery of interest is one where some of their employees are dressing up as celebrities for Halloween. From Brit and K-fed to Justin Timberlake and Lil John, they do a fair job of looking like their favorite celebs.

I’m going as Jessica Alba. Except with much larger breasts, whiter teeth and nicer skin. Actually, I think Jessica Alba should be going as ME.

Click here to see the Hallowannabes.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.27.06

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha hooo..heee haa ha ha….*gasp*…haaa ha ha ha ha (celebitchy)

Avril Lavigne shows off her panties (Hollywood tuna)

A hot blogger with monster guns wants to help Jessica Simpson over her loneliness. (wwtdd)

How do you insult Paris Hilton? Tell her she looks like Paris Hilton (female first)

Still searching for a Halloween costume? Here’s an idea (cityrag)

Brad Pitt has a hungry ass (popsugar)

Courtney Love’s hair is spunk-tabulous (superficial girls)

A woman who signs court papers “du-du” claims to be the mother of Michael Jackson’s kids (nydailynews)

Letterman shreds O’Reilly on his show tonight (page six)

South Park sends Steve Irwin to hell (dlisted)

5:00 is the new 6:00. Remember to turn back your clocks tomorrow night..

Thursday, October 26, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF: 10.26.06

Halle Berry has a younger guy to put a sparkle in her eye and a penis in her snatch. Where can I sign up? (A Socialite's Life)

Evangeline Lilly gets wet and works a surfboard. (Egotastic)

Lindsay Lohan wants to get naked under that blanket of freedom. (Faded Youth)

Naomi Campbell takes down another bitch. (Yeeeah!)

Pretty cute Madonna family photo. (I'm Not Obsessed)

Brooke Burke makes pregnancy look fuckin' hawt. (WWTDD)

I bet you can't tell Lisa Rinna's mouth from a hemerrhoid. (Dlisted)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.25.06

I’d rather be called a raging alcoholic drug-addict than let the world know my spermatozoa was “motile but groggy”. Well, that’s if I HAD spermatozoa. Which I do. It’s in the freezer. And on my pillow. And a little in my hair (celebitchy)

It’s outburst like THIS that make people wish you were dead, Elizabeth. (perezhilton)

Kathy Lee Gifford blows…literally. (ibbb)

Because this is the only way he can keep his job, Isaiah apologizes (dlisted)

Madonna gets teary-eyed on Oprah. You’re SOOOO sensitive. Oh yea, and thanks for coming down off your crucifix for the interview. (tmz)

Josh Hartnett is insecure (star magazine)

Rush Limbaugh accuses Michael J. Fox of faking it. Pot. Kettle. BLACK, dick-wad. (the most boring blog in the world)

Denise Richards and Pam Anderson team up for “blonde and blonder”. I guess it's the female equivalent of Dumb and Dumber. (hollywood tuna)

Can you pass 3rd grade geography? (find out!)

LIAR, LIAR!


One legged pants on fire! As you’ve probably read, Heather Mills has gotten a team of lawyers together to take action on some, “false, damaging and immensely upsetting” details have been leaked to the media. Tough shit, bitch. What did you THINK was going to happen when you launch a media circus against Paul McCartney?

Now, here comes the fun part. Kate Moss is the latest to come out and expose Gimpy McGimp as a liar. The Sun reports:

Kate, 32, has told Macca’s dress designer daughter Stella, her best friend, that claims in Heather’s leaked divorce are “utter b******t”.

At one point in the papers, one-legged Heather said she had to crawl to the toilet at night without her false limb on because ex-Beatle Paul, 64, objected to her using a bedpan in their bedroom.

A friend of Kate said: “Kate reassured Stella that she knew Heather was a liar because she had seen her hopping around.

“She said she was ‘jumping around like a f****** gazelle’ and is prepared to swear to it, in court if necessary.”
Yes, she’s been running like a gazelle with her lies and her bullshit too. But she’ll eventually run into something that will stop her in her tracks. Like the truth. The Sun also has a printed a run-down of Mills' heaping pile of steaming bullshit:

LIE 1: Lady Mucca frantically denied working as a prostitute. But in July it emerged she was a £5,000-a-night hooker whose clients including arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi and an Arab prince.

LIE 2: Heather told Sir Paul she had only been a topless model. In June we revealed she was snapped in a string of pornographic poses for a German sex manual.

LIE 3:
Her first husband Alfie Karmal has branded her a compulsive liar who left him for a ski instructor called Milos.

LIE 4:
Former childhood pal Margaret Ambler threatened to sue Heather over her claims they were abducted and sexually abused as kids. Margaret, 40, insists it was only her who suffered the ordeal.

LIE 5: Mucca — who as a teenager admitted shoplifting — stole the identity of a top investigative reporter with the same name, Heather Mills, in a bid to land a TV job. The real journalist said Heather pretended to be her in meetings with telly executives.

LIE 6: Heather’s dad Mark, 65, says she made up stories about him abusing her as a child.
For illustrative purposes, I would like to show the following. The Gazelle, would represent the lying whore Heather. The tree, represents the truth. And the lions I would like to think represent Paul McCartney and his lawyer.

I am deep like the ocean, and just as dirty baby...yeaaaaaaaaaaa.

POSTSECRET


Yesterday, as I was getting ready for work, I saw the author of this blog on Good Morning America.

This guy started this project a few years ago by putting self-addressed postcards in books in the library...left them in random places and told people to put one of their deepest and darkest secrets on them and send to him anonymously. He had published a book with those and now, you are supposed to make your own homemade postcard and send it in with a secret you've NEVER told anyone before.

I have to tell you it was extremely moving (to me, anyway). And something that was too good not to share.

Click here.

LINDSAY LOHAN HAS BETTER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT

According to Popsugar, Lindsay has been quoted as saying:

“I’m going to London in the spring to make a movie with Kiera Knightly. It’s a period piece and my character has a British accent. But its crazy. If I hang out with a British person for an hour or so, I start talking just like them. I can pick up accents pretty well, but I don’t want to be remembered for it like Dick Van Dyke."
When I’m 90 years old and I’m getting my spongebath at the home, I’ll be telling stories of Lindsay Lohan. But I guarantee you it won’t be about her her acting skills. It will be the quote that our beloved Abby once said when she wrote for this site. That she had labia like a hollowed out ball sac. That post, with that quote and that picture…is engrained in my brain forever.

I’d also like to say that Lindsay doesn’t have to worry about that cockney accent. Her mouth has been so full of it, it’ll will come naturally. ; )

I know. I’m fluent in Testucles*. And that doesn't make me a bad girl.

*pronounced like Hercules

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

You just might get it.

This could be considered NSFW. Click it anyway..you know you want to....

PETE DOHERTY IS HORMONAL

Kate Moss might be the pregnant one, but it’s Pete Doherty that’s friggin’ hormonal. His band, Babyshambles actually waited until the crowd started throwing shit BACK at them before they decided to wrap up the gig. You'd think watching your lead singer have a complete meltdown on stage, you would kind of want to call it a night. The Daily Mail reports:

During the gig, Doherty spattered his bandmates with red wine, smashed a bottle, hurled a can of beer into the crowd and then "went after them" with a microphone stand.

At one stage, Babyshambles walked off stage after the drummer was hit by a bottle thrown from the crowd.

At the end Doherty pushed over amplifiers and the drum kit before smashing another microphone stand several times. He then lay amid the debris as if out for the count.
Fucking drama-queen. Then, when they got back to the hotel:

Doherty, 27, wrestled with the photographer as he hit him several times outside his hotel in Rome. Witnesses suggested the Babyshambles' frontman and boyfriend of supermodel Kate Moss had first jumped on top of the man and then repeatedly punched him.

A photograph of the aftermath of the fight shows blood pouring from Doherty's wound. It is claimed other band members armed themselves with metal ashtrays to use as weapons in defence of the singer.
I just had visions of a heinous version of West Side Story. I don’t know if I’d be able to go through with hitting that wild-eyed freak in the head once I saw his band poised and ready behind him with ashtrays. I’d be laughing my ass off. In fact, throwing my head back and POINTING and laughing. And then I’d ask them if they had a license to carry those ashtrays. Then I’d stomp my foot like I’m going after them and say, “boo” and watch them cry. Because that’s what little men with unlicensed-ashtrays do.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.24.06


Jake Gyllenhaal is happy to see me! Actually..not happy ENOUGH. (dlisted)

Kate and Tom (TCLTC) will be getting married November 18. Look for your invitation in the mail (usonline)

Britney baby mystery solved. (tmz)

Anna Nicole unable to comprehend how fucked up her life is (celebitchy)

Halle Berry is bringing celebrity integrity back (yeeeah!)

The National Security Agency is recruiting Lost and CSI fans to work for them (i’m not obsessed)

Rent Paris Hilton for 100,000 or go to the clearance rack and get Carmen Electra for 50,000 (mollygood)

Helena Bonham Carter isn’t just Jewish…she’s off the Richter scale Jewish (pr inside)

Spank Cheeks mentioned alongside The Superficial and Gawker in Orkut article (orkut)

MADONNA TO LAUNCH PR STUNT ON OPRAH

Tomorrow, Oprah will help Madonna spin her international baby trafficking into a humanitarian gesture. With with the money Madonna has spent on this whole cluster-fuck so far, she could have easily given the money to his father and biological family and they could have raised him. Hell, she could have raised that whole village and renamed it Madonna-land and she could have made everyone “strike a pose” and “vogue” around the bonfire at night in her honor.

The New York post has an article about how this adoption comes with “little red strings” attached. Cult expert Rick Ross said in the article:

"It's very sad that, unlike other celebrities, Madonna cannot do charity work in Africa without so many strings attached. Bono and Angelina Jolie have raised awareness of poverty there. Now Madonna comes in … and tries to milk it. I think that's reprehensible. Why does she insist on a kabbala connection? … I see Madonna's trip to Africa as similar to Tom Cruise's opening of detox clinics for rescue workers after 9/11."
And the cherry on top for this whole pr spin tomorrow? Madonna will also be peddling her new children’s book “English Roses”. Do you know what those roses smell like?

Kaballah.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IPOD

Yeserday, Apple’s Ipod celebrated it’s 5th birthday. But what if MICROSOFT got hold of it and re-designed it? It would be like a bad boyfriend who comes along and fucks up a perfectly good chic.

Ahem. *diverts eyes* Not that I know anything about that.

Monday, October 23, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.23.06


Did Heather Mills have a covert camera hidden in leg? I dunno either but that’s what I’d do if I had a prosthetic limb. It would also vibrate (A Socialite’s Life)

Nick Carter loves Paris Hilton…NOT! (Hollyscoop)

Anna Nicole’s getting evicted and it looks like anyone could be that baby’s father. (Celebitchy)

Madonna took his baby AND his sweater (Junkiness)

Do you have what it take to be the next web-celeb? I don’t. (Yahoo!)

Eminem & Mr. T have a bastard child (Yeeeah!)

Kim Cattral looks like shit (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

God condones masturbation (IDLYITW)

There is a way to make Jennifer Anniston less fug (IBBB)

Hey, at least I didn’t marry a gay cowboy (Defamer)

Marathon Runner Slips, Falls. You Laugh, Show Friends (Best Week Ever)

SCREWING THE POOCH


The weather in Seattle must really fuck with your head. I don’t know if you remember the story about the guy who died after having sex with a horse, but because of that very incident, a new bestiality law was put into place. And lady’s and gentleman, we have our first freak to break that law. The Seattle Times reports:

A Spanaway man believed to be the first person in the state charged under Washington's new bestiality law bailed out of the Pierce County Jail this morning.

Pierce County prosecutors say 26-year-old Michael Patrick McPhail was caught by his wife on Wednesday night having intercourse on the back porch with their four-year-old female pit bull terrier. The wife took photos with a cell phone and called police.


Pierce County sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer says "There's pretty clear proof what happened to this dog."

McPhail was arrested that night.

Ohhhh, let me just say if I came down and my man was doing the dog while a perfectly good woman was UPSTAIRS….I wouldn’t be taking pictures with my camera phone. I’d be beating my husband to death. Because there is no way I’d be letting anyone know that my “man” would rather fuck the dog than have at me in any room in the house. That’s just humiliating and frankly, I feel would reflect on me.

And then I’d take that seducing bitch and give it up for adoption. Homewrecker!! To think I bought you Science Diet and not Kibbles and Bits. And all the times I let you into our bed at night. And what about the sweater I knitted you…you ungrate..

Oh…hey…got lost in my head there for a minute. Pesky imagination.

SURI CRUZ'S VANITY FAIR OUTTAKES


Just Jared posted these pictures of Suri Cruz over the weekend. I have to say, the baby is adorable and I’m not going to say anything bad because it’s not her fault her father is a freak and her mother would rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me. I mean her.

Oh, you know what I mean! It’s Monday, give me a fucking break!

See the pics here.

TALK ABOUT A BABYSHAMBLES

ADOPTION ALERT! Somebody get Madonna on the horn! We have situation critical in the UK! Kate Moss is allegedly knocked up with this Pete Doherty’s baby. According to Digital Spy:

Doherty's uncle Phil Michels claims that the singer called him from Italy, where he is touring with Babyshambles, to share the news."I have spoken to Pete twice about the baby and he has confirmed that Kate is pregnant," Phil told the Sunday Mirror. "They are both delighted and Pete sounded really excited."He added: "That is why they want to get married. Pete told me they want a baby together to cement their marriage. I am made up for them. I wish them every success. They're so happy, they love each other. I can't wait for the wedding - we are just waiting for a date."
Pete could NEVER impregnate me. I know because when I look at this guy, I get some serious abdominal cramping due to my ovaries seizing up in an all-out effort not to ovulate. And the ONLY way this guy would get me in the sack is by doing me doggy-style with eight ball of cocaine on a stick dangling in front of me. That way, I wouldn’t have to look at him or his nasty little candy-corn teeth and I could keep my on the “prize”.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.22.06


Like father like daughter. Shiloh Jolie Pitt looks jut like Brad (perezhilton)

Tom Cruise has a camel toe, not a moose knuckle (city rag)

Anna Nicole refuses to submit baby for DNA test (msnbc)

Unlike Anna Nicole, Angelina Jolie is a great mom (idlyitw)

That lucky bastard! Park visitor finds 5.47 carot diamond (cnn)

Dennis Rodman puts himself on ebay (tmz)

Lindsay Lohan is a “busted up pick up truck” (drunkenstepfather)

Saturday, October 21, 2006

MYSPACE SECURITY HOLE

Although it’s a personal pet peeve of mine when people have entire conversations on the “comment” section of Myspace, for once, I’m glad! There is a Myspace security hole (which just happens to be one of the nicknames for my vagina) that allows you to read other people’s profile comments even if they are set to private. Celebitchy reports:

There’s this huge security flaw in myspace that lets you read comments on private profiles, and I’ve pretty much read all the crap that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, and Nicole Richie are saying to each other. Paris got told by her PR guy Elliott to cut it out and she was supposedly grounded from using the computer, but of course she didn’t comply and continued commenting.

This was up on Oh No They Didn’t and got a brief mention in The NY Daily News, but the ONTD post is private now and I learned about it through a friend’s e-mail.

The thing is, there’s a formula to it and it really doesn’t matter if someone changes their profile name or password. Once you know their numeric user ID it’s incredibly simple to do, and as long as they keep commenting it’s easy to find out their numeric user ID. They seem to realize that people are reading their comments and are talking about all the new people asking to be added as friends, but they don’t really get the fact that changing their passwords and screen names doesn’t fix the problem.

I was really reluctant to report on this at first as 1) there’s way too much information to sift through and report 2) it feels wrong and 3) I don’t want to get sued. Plus I got sucked into the voyeuristic aspect of it and I wanted to be able to keep spying.

Best Week Ever has the links, though. I know this is Monday’s news but somehow it fell under my radar.

I don’t really have anything particularly witty or funny to say about this. I thought it was interesting and wanted to share. And now, I’m going to go hack into my ex boyfriend’s myspace and see what he’s saying about me. This could possibly end up being the first in a chain of events this weekend that could only end up with me asking for a court appointed attorney on Monday.

Celebitchy has in their article some interesting comments between Lindsay/Paris they attained through the "peephole". To read, click here.

Friday, October 20, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.20.06


Nicole Kidman says mental cheating is the most dangerous. If that’s the case, I’ve mentally cheated on my diet, my boyfriend AND YOU (people)

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt spotted in India (just jared)

Heather Mills gets her prosthetic leg served to her on a platter by the guy who introduced her to Paul McCartney (celebitchy)

A 20ft anaconda gives Ellen the penis she always wanted (defamer)

When I did my hardcore porn I was ‘Zanna – Warrior Princess” . Tyra Banks tells porn star Tyra Banxxx to stop using her name. Fuck that. (superficial girls)

Madonna confronted by terrorist after her pilates workout (holy candy)

Why oh WHY can’t these be real? (city rag)

The chic who has is the model for the video game character Lara Croft shows her ass (idlyitw)

THIS FUNERAL BROUGHT TO YOU BY TRIMSPA


They finally buried Daniel Smith yesterday. It’s about time. TMZ reports:

A gold hearse brought Daniel's body to the cemetery attended by 20 people, including the CEO of TrimSpa, a diet pill company that employs Anna as its spokesperson. The ceremony featured an open casket. According to one source Daniel was buried in jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball hat with another hat - bearing the iconic Nike swoosh - by his side. A source from WENN news service, who had seen a picture of the body in the open casket, said the body appeared quite bloated.

At least six police officers guarded the main entrance to the cemetery, barring everyone except for invited guests. According to witnesses, the loud wails and cries of Anna could be heard across the street from the burial site.
Of fucking-course you could hear her across the street. That’s how she can make it be all about her while feigning remorse for her son. I will not be surprised if some “personal” photos get leaked to a celeb-rag for some major cash. You know, “EXCLUSIVE..Inside Danny’s funeral”.

What I AM surprised at though..is no mention of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Curious.

INCEST IS BEST


I don’t know WHAT Jessica is thinking. See that picture up there? Taken by her FATHER (according to WOW). Made to look like she’s basking in some kind of post copulatory afterglow. Although, I will say that doesn't look like a head indentation in the pillow. Looks like a fist hit it. I know..because that's what my other pillow looks like after I tell the guy I'm saving anal for marriage (hey, it's all I've got left).

To compound the creepiness, Jessica Simpson (who is now acting as her own PR machine) has all but confirmed our suspicions that she and Papa Joe have that “special bond”. During a recent Jane magazine interview, PR-Insider says she wasn’t offended by her father’s comments in 2004 about her DD tits and how “you can’t cover those suckers up”.

When asked if the comments bothered her, she tells Jane magazine, "No, I’ve had double D’s for a long time. Are you kidding? No.

"My family is extremely close. I talk to my mom about my sex life. That’s not something that creeps me out. "We’re Podunk Southern. And my dad is very open about his ideas and…it’s disgusting that people would actually think…people are making a judgment on something that is false."
What that REALLY means: We’re Podunk Southern. All my incestors ancestors were like this. My dad is very open about his ideas. I’ve had double D’s for a long time so I’m used to his incestuous advances.

All I know is that if she thinks this is okay, then that girl has some serious problems. Posing like that for your FATHER? I can only do that for my uncle or my cousins.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.19.06


WOOT!!! Stephen Hawking is back on the market….God Bless the Freaks! (yeeeah!)

So THIS is what a bag of smashed assholes look like (perezhilton)

I HATE NANCY GRACE WITH THE RED HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS..so this makes me happy (tmz)

Suddenly she has standards? Paris Hilton distances herself from movie fiasco. (page six)

The New York Post is a pussy. I’m not apologizing. And you know what? I think Jennifer Anniston is FUG. That’s right U-G-L-Y. Not apologizing for that either. (newyorkpost)

You know what? If it were true it would have been the FIRST thing she would have said. (celebitchy)

Whose nipples would you rather suck on? (thebastardly)

Meanwhile……back in the fields (dailymail)

OJ Simpson is going to tell you IF he had done it...how he’d do it (msnbc)

The Knack’s drummer, Bruce Gary dies of lymphomic cancer. I raise my lighter over my head and my rendition of “My Scrotum” to the tune of “My Sharona” goes out to you, sir. Rock on. (Hollywood reporter)

MICHAEL DOUGLASS PISSES OFF WIFE

Although I’m pretty sure his career has signed a DNR, his alleged “PR Stunt” to revive his career has his wife tear-assed. Hollywood Rag reports:

Catherine Zeta-Jones is furious with her husband Michael Douglas, after he gushedabout his sexy co-stars.The 62-year-old actor revealed he had a "crush on Kim Basinger" andcomplimented Eva Longoria on her "fantastic butt" during a recent interview to promote his film 'The Sentinel'. Michael also proclaimed that "sex is like a wave that sweeps over me".

However, his 37-year-old Welsh actress wife was not amused by his commentsand immediately telephoned him to tell him exactly how she felt.A source revealed to Britain's Grazia magazine: "Catherine called him everyname under the sun. Michael was trying to explain it was just for publicity,and that he thought it was a good idea to rev up his image as a bad-boy."

Bad boy? A 62 year old bad boy? I don’t know about you but the only image I get when I hear this shit is a dirty old man. And that “wave that sweeps over him”? I’m betting that means he tends to doze off during masturbation. With a bottle of Jergen’s, a box of tissue and his semi-erect penis in his hand.

If I were Catherine Zeta Jones, thats what I'd be mad about. The flaccidness. Nothing makes a girl go from zero to bitch in record time than flaccid.

AUCTION HAS ENDED

I'm no genius, and even I know that auctioning Paula Abdul off for charity is a bad idea. How the hell do you expect Paula Abdul to bring in money for a charity when this bitch is a charity case all by herself?

According to PR Inside FOX TV executives had a great idea…to do something for the multiple sclerosis society. Then they had a major brain cramp and fucked it up by thinking it would be a great idea to auction Paula Abdul on ebay with the proceeds going towards the charity.

For a mere $25 grand, you get to go fly to California, get a 2,000 shopping “spree” on Rodeo drive – which is a joke unto itself. 2K on Rodeo drive is not considered a spree. and then you get to go to a taping of American Idol and meet Paula Abdul. However, the auction received ZERO bids and they closed the auction in 4 days. Adding insult to injury, an ebay spokesman said:

"This sort of charity auction usually makes a mint. It’s kind of sad that nobodywanted to bid on Paula."
Operative word here? Usually. Look, here is the deal. Who the hell would spend that kind of money on THAT? Anyone who wants to spend their time with a drunk woman with a bad boob job and a purse full of percoset can go to any bar and there will be one there. Or you could call me. I’ll hook you up with my sister for a 25.00 “finders” fee.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.18.06



Just in time for Halloween…Scary Spice pregnant with Eddie Murphy’s baby (Tmz)

India hates Angelina & Brad (derekhail)

Whitney Houston files for divorce (ibbb)

Carmen Electra wants to be alone for a while. (imnotobsessed)

The bandwagon is getting crowded. Matt Damon helps form African Charity. (associated press)

First he says he didn’t love JLo..now he’s saying he’s not ready to marry the woman who is having his twins (usweekly)

Rumor Willis is an ugly cartoon character. No offense to cartoon characters (perezhilton)

Madonna should have bought her baby's daddy a cow (celebitchy)

Paul McCartney will cut a bitch (thesun)

BRITNEY WANTS TO DROP ORPHAN ON ITS HEAD


In the “imitation is the highest form of flattery” departmemt…..According to Female First:

Britney Spears is set to follow in her idol Madonna's footsteps and adopt an
African child, it has been reported.

The 'Toxic' singer - who has two sons, Sean Preston and Sutton Pierce, with husband Kevin Federline - has been inspired by Madonna's recent trip to Malawi to adopt a 13-month-old African boy, called David Banda.

Britney is now looking into the possibility of welcoming a disadvantaged child into her own family. A source said: "Britney has always been inspired by Madonna - both musically and by the way she lives her life and conducts herself.

"She really admires what Madonna is doing at the moment and adopting is something which she could see herself doing one day. She wants to have a large family."

Apparently, it’s not enough fun to drop your own baby on it’s head. It’s my guess that Britney Spears wants to adopt an African orphan and see if it’s true that “black don’t crack”. She’s stupid like that.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.17.06


I’m in an undisclosed location (business meeting) and won’t have time to really post anything past a SPANK IT YOURSELF until Wednesday afternoon(ish). In the meantime, here are some interesting stories:

Steve Irwin’s daughter Bindy is doing her own show (people)

X17 slams Perez Hilton and other celebrity bloggers (x17)

Lindsay Lohan gets served (tmz)

K-Fed gets body slammed at WWE event (starfruit gossip)

Jessica looks good for a change (hollywoodtuna)

Ben Afflek enjoys being a dad (asocialiteslife)

Monday, October 16, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.16.06

Due to circumstances beyond my control, it is with deep regret that I can’t take advantage of your morning wood. You’re gonna have to spank it yourself!

Madonna is a hornswaggles orphan’s father! Damnit! I wish I could pontificate on this subject right now. (dailymirror)

Anna Nicole Smith’s mother thinks Howard K. Stern killed Danny (dlisted)

Brandon Davis is going to have to start collecting empties. (yeeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan to take a year off from acting to find new and better dealers abroad (msnbc)

Wait..I thought she was taking a break to find new and better dealers abroad? (makeushot)

Sheryl Crow (who looks A LOT like Dina Lohan in the pics) joins John Mayer onstage in a bikini (perezhilton)

Friday, October 13, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.13.06

EVERYONE knows “horse pillows” are fer killin’ (ibbb)

Speaking of spanking it yourself, Harry Potter is going to spank the monkey onstage (yeeeah!)

Steve Irwin’s sweet little daughter Bindi gets slimed at the Australian Nichelodian Kids’ Choice Awards (tmz)

Nich Lachey blames Newlyweds for divorce (popsugar)

Carmen Electra is really into Quantum Physics (haute gossip)

P. Diddy says things to appease his hormonal, pregnant wife (starfruit gossip)

A LITTLE BIT OF NOSTALGIA

Gone are the good old days of circle jerks and gang-banging. Remember when you could just throw your head back, laugh and finger some chic in front of your friends at a restaurant? Like a Norman Rockwell picture…Governor Schwarzenegger takes us for a stroll down memory lane.

In a picture taken circa 1980, we are taken back to the times where you could do lines on the table, and drink outside on sidewalk. Being politically correct wasn't even invented yet. Gather around kids, and read what Radar online has to say about it.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told Jay Leno last night that linking him to Bush is like linking him to an Oscar. Which, for some odd reason, reminded us of a mysterious photo of unknown vintage a roving correspondent sent us awhile back. It was handed to said reporter (arrows and all) back in 2003 by a well-connected source, and features the man who just might become America’s first retarded president cradling a smiling young thing in an unidentified restaurant in what we can only assume is the early ’80s.

Though technically not a “shocker,” that Arnold has been hiding the fact he only has nine fingers is certainly news where we come from.
And before that, a young Schwarzenneger felt compelled to share with us the trials and tribulations of being a bodybuilder and helping us understand how an orgy can really ease your tensions. Even then, he was a public servant. Celebitchy says that he did an interview in Oui magazine where he was quoted as saying:

“Bodybuilders party a lot, and once, in Gold’s–the gym in Venice, California, where all the top guys train–there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we all got together.” Asked by Manso if he was talking about a “gang bang,” Schwarzenegger answered, “Yes, but not everybody, just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys. Not everybody can do that. Some think that they don’t have a big-enough cock, so they can’t get a hard-on. Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff.”
I am so glad I just read that. I always wondered after I’ve been gang-banged if the GUYS enjoyed it as much as I have. It’s hard to get feedback when they just throw a towel at you and leave.

Click here to see the NSFW version of the picture.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

JENNIFER ANNISTON THINKS WE CARE

According to this chic’s friend, Jennifer Anniston claims that she and Vince are still together.

A friend just left a taping of Oprah. The guest was Jennifer Aniston. My friend was in a rush to get somewhere so I didn't get all the details. However, she said that Jennifer Aniston...- is stunningly beautiful.- denied having breast implants. (Was this a rumor?)- confirmed that she and Vince Vaughn are still together.
Tell you what. Fuck the fact that he was seen kissing another woman and he himself said they were broken up. After seeing that picture of Vince the other day, bloated, sweaty, stained shirt with his fly open…I would be DENYING I was with him. DENY, DENY, DENY and when you get caught…LIE.

That’s how I live my life and it works for me.

MICHAEL JACKSON IS A LADY WHO CAN'T READ ARABIC


Photo courtesy of perezhilton.com

NOW I get it. Michael Jackson is paying ex-wife Debbie Rowe $1 Million a year to stay away from his kids. And fuck her for agreeing to it. But I digress. It is glaringly apparent why he wants her out of the picture so badly. It’s because HE wants to be the mommy.

The “Thriller” was spotted in St. Tropez the other day and photographed wearing a sunhat, three inch heels and women’s jeans with an disgusting fluorescent orange bag. Perez Hilton reports:

Jackson and his three kids were in the South of France as a guest of his friend and benefactor, Prince Alwaleed - a nephew of Saudi Arabia's King Fahd - on his private yacht, Kingdom 5KR.

This isn't the first time Michael's gotten his gender confused:

During a trip to Ireland earlier this year the singer, who has been staying with Bahrain's royal family since being acquitted, arrived at Cork airport under layers of effeminate scarves and drapes.

And in January he wore an abaya - traditional garb for Muslim women - in the Arab state of Bahrain where he has been based for the past 12 months.

But more embarrassingly, Jackson was reportedly found dressed as a woman, applying makeup in the ladies' toilet, during a recent shopping trip.

Speaking at the time, his spokesman claimed it was a simple mistake - Jackson was unable to read the Arabic sign saying 'Ladies'.

You'll note that his "spokesman" didn't deny that he was applying makeup and dressing up like a woman with ZERO fashion sense..just that he can't read Arabic.

All I know is this child-molesting douchebag should NOT be allowed to have these kids and child services in any state in this union would have reason to take these kids away by now, if it were anybody else.

I wish that crazy bitch "irony" would leave me the fuck alone and torture Michael Jackson for a minute. Because right about now, I’d love to see her bring on a couple of Africans that are looking to adopt a couple of white kids.

DARK SIDE OF THE MOON

Tom Cruise has filed a $50-million lawsuit against Holesome Fun Incorporated, the world's largest manufacturer of sex toys, over the company's alleged unauthorized use of his image on its new Mission Insertable butt plug.

Mr. Cruise is also demanding "the immediate and complete withdrawal" of the Mission Insertable butt plug from Holesome Fun's Dark Side of the Moon catalog and from any and all persons "currently harboring" this device.

"My client is tired of being the butt of jokes about his sexuality," said Mr. Cruise' attorney Marvin Keister. "The Mission Insertable butt plug is offensive not only on its face but also in its subversion of an orifice that Scientologists believe is next to godliness.

"L. Ron Hubbard taught Scientologists to respect their large—and their small—colons as the pathway to better physical and mental health; and although Mr. Cruise endorses regular high colonic cleansing and Vitamin K enemas, he is offended by the notion of butt plugs in general and of those with his face on them in particular."

Trey Guccione, CEO of Holesome Fun, responded angrily to Mr. Cruise' lawsuit.

"Like I'm sure Tom's never been shitfaced before," said Mr. Guccione. "He can take his lawsuit, hold it sideways, and stick it where the sun don't shine."

The device at the bottom of this controversy is a 3-inch silicone statuette designed to be inserted into the anus and rectum for sexual pleasure. A butt plug can be inserted during sex or it can be worn while its user is gardening, shopping, or attending the theater.

Butt plugs, which can be worn by men or women, gay or straight, were invented in Greece about 350 BCE. Since then butt plugs have been worn by historical figures (Alexander the Great, Hannibal, and Julius Caesar), musicians (Tchaikovsky, Boy George, and Mick Jagger), and opinion shapers (Gertrude Stein, Barney Frank, and Matt Drudge).

George Washington is rumored to have been wearing a wooden butt plug when he crossed the Delaware to attack the Hessians at Trenton. That, according to some Washington scholars, explains why he was standing up in the boat during the crossing.

----------

Now, this story is not true. But I WISH TO FUCK it was true. And that is me wishing pretty hard. Like with clenched fists, clenched eyes and gritted teeth. I don't even know if you can clench eyes but I'm doing it.

source

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.11.06

Proving he IS as stupid as he looks, Travis Barker Defends Paris Hilton (star)

The cover of the magazine says, “I’ll never be perfect again”. What the fuck made you think you were ever perfect to begin with? Tara Reid is a mess (perezhilton)

Paris Hilton pisses off Janet Jackson. (celebitchy)

This is awesome. Fantasy celebrity couples. (worth)

Is Beyonce orphan shopping too? (ibbb)

This is the ONLY time PETA should get involved in ANYTHING (dlisted)

Mel Gibson’s drinking buddy is a pedophile. (yeeeah!)

MADONNA REINVENTS ORPHAN


It’s official. Madonna adopted a one year old African boy…who seemed to have plenty of family since they were quoted in the article. Yahoo reports:

"I am the father of David, who has been adopted," Banda, 32, told The Associated Press Tuesday. "I am very very happy because as you can see there is poverty in this village and I know he will be very well looked after in America."
I’m thinking they must have COMCAST in his village because my internet was down in my village today. But poor Yohame (we like to call him Yo in the ‘hood). Blame it on COMCAST or blame it on poverty, had he internet connection in his hut, he’d know his son’s new mommy is also the mother of “reinvention” and has allegedly renamed his son Luca and that he will NOT be very well looked after in America because she’s an America hater that lives in the UK.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.10.06


Bug-eyed “runaway bride” sues fiancée for 50,000 (people)

Dina Lohan is delusional (dlisted)

Scarlett Johannsen says she’s not promiscuous. THAT’S why she gets 2 AIDS tests a year (daily mail)

Should a man with a combover toupee REALLY be saying ANYTHING about how Angelina Jolie looks? (faded youth)

Daniel Smith is still not buried (celebtichy)

Barbara Streisand tells fan to “shut the fuck up” during concert (allheadlinenews)

Jessica Alba talks about nudity and religion in the new Elle Magazine. (usmagazine)

SUCKS TO BE JENNIFER ANNISTON

Vince Vaughn moves on faster than Anna Nicole Smith. The Sun reports:

JENNIFER Aniston’s ex Vince Vaughn has been caught in a clinch with a blonde — just a week after he dumped the Friends beauty.

The comedy actor got up close with the mystery girl after arriving for a London showbiz bash in a stained sweatshirt and with the fly of his jeans undone.
As Chandler would say, “could you BE any more humiliated?” Seems to me that when guys leave Jennifer Anniston, they want to get her stink off them ASAP. And that’s pretty bad when the guy that just left you looks just like the strung out guy with the shopping cart full of empties in front of the Salvation Army.

GUY RITCHIE ALLEGEDLY AGREES WITH ME (sort of)

America-hater Madonna has taken her fake-English accent to Africa and is reportedly underway to adopt a boy named Lucas. Allegedly, however, her husband agrees with me. According to thepostchronical:

"...Guy Ritchie has voiced his concerns about the possibility of adopting a Malawian orphan, according to reports.The director and wife Madonna are widely rumoured to be considering the process, even though the singer's publicist recently rubbished the whispers.However, a source close to the couple revealed that Madonna is keen to proceed, but does not have the full support of her husband.

Ritchie's family are said to be wary that the whole idea could be a publicity stunt.The source commented: "Madonna is convinced it is the right thing to do but Guy has been very wary. It has led to some serious arguments and put a lot of pressure on their marriage. His family are very concerned Madonna wants an African baby as a celebrity status symbol, like Angelina Jolie...."
When Angelina does it, it’s sincere. When Madonna does it, to me, it’s trite. Since doing the whole ‘crucifixion thing’ on tour didn’t get her enough attention, let’s try THIS. You know, I’m all for helping children in need. But what I don’t get is why people feel they need to go to Africa to make the dramatic point of it. When there are things like this and this going on in the world, why not just adopt or help a child from your own country?

Oh, that’s right…I forgot. She’s an America hater. Yea, the country that supported her ass through the 80’s and made her the “star” she is today.

I’ll get off my soapbox now.

Monday, October 09, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.09.06


Two wrongs DO make a right! Paris and Nicole are back together. (X17)

The Screech Sex Video is ready for distribution. (postchronicle)

No wonder she never smiles. Posh Spice admits she looks like shit naked. (dlisted)

Anna Nicole a no-show at her son’s memorial service (dangle some KFC on a stick in front of her, she would have went, I bet). (yahoo)

Jennifer Lopez could make a freight train take a dirt road (celebitchy)

Sienna Miller is sucking her own cock. I thought only Ron Jeremy could do that. (perezhilton).

Step right up….get your tickets for Armageddon now!! (junkiness)

Sunday, October 08, 2006

MY DEALER IS BETTER THAN PARIS'


Those of us who smoke marijuana for “medicinal purposes” will agree that we have WAY better weed than Paris. According to the Daily Mail:

The fast-living hotel heiress accidentally gave observers a glimpse of the clear plastic wallet, containing what might be mistaken for cannabis, at a Milan fashion show last week. But last night her publicist Elliot Mintz insisted: "Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos."

The contents of Miss Hilton's silver handbag were exposed as she reached in to touch up her shocking pink nail varnish while in the front row of a Dolce & Gabbana catwalk show.
I really don't have alot to say about this except for this FACT. If THIS is her fucking stash…she’s smoking the sticks and seeds I threw out a month ago.

EVERYBODY SAY "HO!"

You know, there was a time when men wouldn't fuck Anna Nicole with SOMEONE ELSE's dick. But now it seems that her vagina has become a bank. A bank that takes various deposits.

According to TrimSPA's, website…..
While a court in Los Angeles, CA, convened yesterday on a paternity suit for baby Smith, 2 more men surfaced to claim title while another claimed to have been asked to father the child. TRIMSPA’s first media inquiry regarding the ‘new prospects’ was thought to be a bad joke, but the topic resurfaced throughout the day by multiple media outlets. “By day’s end,” said a company representative, “we were prepared to hear that every eligible bachelor was stepping up for the job.” As ridiculous as it sounds, the media coverage given the recent events in Anna Nicole Smith’s life almost guarantees anyone with something to say 15 minutes of fame – whether true or not.
And TMZ says that all three of them used to pal around.

Before Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern went to war over Anna Nicole Smith's newborn kid, the two men actually spent a lot of time together having fun. In these pictures taken last year, the dueling daddy candidates were spotted down under, frolicking with Anna around Sydney's Luna Amusement Park right before the 2005 MTV Awards in Australia. Ah the good ol' days.
Let's read between the lines. I think what they MEANT to say was that the “ the two men actually spent alot of time together having fun, and last year, the deuling daddy candidates were spotted frolicking down under Anna”. That's where that whole pesky "whose your daddy" shit is coming from.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.08.06


Angelina Jolie wants more lesbian scenes. (dnaworld)

There was a series of Fashion DON’Ts at VH1’s Hip Hop Honors. (perezhilton)

This is awesome. If only 2 of these from the list came true, I could die happy. (celebitchy)

50% of Americans give shitty gifts. (cnn)

Ex-Rep Foley gives a whole new meaning to “turn the page” (the LA Times)

It’s like saying “I Quit” before they tell you you’re fired. Jamie Lee Curtis gives up acting (yahoo)

DAVID HASSELHOFF STRUGGLES WITH SOBREALITY

I just made that up. That’s a hybrid of sobriety and reality. Sobreality.

Anyway…..

Earlier this month, The Hofff said Princess Diana wanted him. NOW it’s KITT his Knight Rider car. You’ll notice that his accusations are directed towards those who can't defend themselves. In other words, you don’t see him saying that anything LIVING wants him. According to: AZcentral:
"He was extremely tired because of his massive promotional tour which has been going on for three weeks now,'' a rep told the London Daily Mail. ''But he did everything we wanted him to do. His behavior might not have been "dead-on," but it was first thing in the morning. We do not believe he was drunk. There was no smell of alcohol."

But a source at another show, who asked to remain unnamed, said that when Hasselhoff showed up there, ``It was first thing in the morning and he sure smelled like booze to me -- either that, or he's using some pretty odd-scented aftershave."

In yet another interview, Hasselhoff confirmed what some fans of his series Knight Rider always suspected: that Kitt, the talking car, was, in fact, gay. And he had the hots for his driver.

"We have some fairly X-rated outtakes on Knight Rider," Hasselhoff told startled students at Trinity College in Dublin. 'Kitt was constantly asking: `Do you want me to take you home, Michael?' in that very camp voice of his."
Look, we’ve all said we’ve done something we shouldn't have when we were drunk. But I’m fairly certain (according to a survey I JUST took in my head), that 89.77775% of us would never have picked Princess Diana or KITT from Knight Rider. But then again, I just found a losing Keno ticket in my purse that has the number of the local Justice of the Peace on it and I don't even remember going out last night....so...you know...that "survey" might not be so accurate.

Friday, October 06, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 10.06.06


Scarlett Johannsen likes it rough....'atta girl! (popsugar)

It was nice while it lasted. Mel Gibson falls off the wagon. (msnbc)

Jessica Simpson is a cocktease. (celebitchy)

Katie Holmes is dressing like a man, and hanging out with a woman that looks like an alien. Tom must be in Scientology heaven. (dlisted)

Investigators “lost” the computer with the images so, ex-Jon Benet suspect John Karr goes free. (cnn)

Eva Langoria continues to defy the odds (yeeeah!)

I don't know what this is. All I know is that it hurts. And not in a good way (imbringingbloggingback)

Jessica Alba is WICKED hot (this is for you, P.M.!) (thebastardly)