DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
Tom Cruise has filed a $50-million lawsuit against Holesome Fun Incorporated, the world's largest manufacturer of sex toys, over the company's alleged unauthorized use of his image on its new Mission Insertable butt plug.
Mr. Cruise is also demanding "the immediate and complete withdrawal" of the Mission Insertable butt plug from Holesome Fun's Dark Side of the Moon catalog and from any and all persons "currently harboring" this device.
"My client is tired of being the butt of jokes about his sexuality," said Mr. Cruise' attorney Marvin Keister. "The Mission Insertable butt plug is offensive not only on its face but also in its subversion of an orifice that Scientologists believe is next to godliness.
"L. Ron Hubbard taught Scientologists to respect their large—and their small—colons as the pathway to better physical and mental health; and although Mr. Cruise endorses regular high colonic cleansing and Vitamin K enemas, he is offended by the notion of butt plugs in general and of those with his face on them in particular."
Trey Guccione, CEO of Holesome Fun, responded angrily to Mr. Cruise' lawsuit.
"Like I'm sure Tom's never been shitfaced before," said Mr. Guccione. "He can take his lawsuit, hold it sideways, and stick it where the sun don't shine."
The device at the bottom of this controversy is a 3-inch silicone statuette designed to be inserted into the anus and rectum for sexual pleasure. A butt plug can be inserted during sex or it can be worn while its user is gardening, shopping, or attending the theater.
Butt plugs, which can be worn by men or women, gay or straight, were invented in Greece about 350 BCE. Since then butt plugs have been worn by historical figures (Alexander the Great, Hannibal, and Julius Caesar), musicians (Tchaikovsky, Boy George, and Mick Jagger), and opinion shapers (Gertrude Stein, Barney Frank, and Matt Drudge).
George Washington is rumored to have been wearing a wooden butt plug when he crossed the Delaware to attack the Hessians at Trenton. That, according to some Washington scholars, explains why he was standing up in the boat during the crossing.
Now, this story is not true. But I WISH TO FUCK it was true. And that is me wishing pretty hard. Like with clenched fists, clenched eyes and gritted teeth. I don't even know if you can clench eyes but I'm doing it.