Thursday, November 30, 2006


Entertainment lawyer finally meets Lindsay Lohan and learns there will be no more Britney Twatilige. (crazy days and nights) Oh yea, and there are rumors that Paris and Lindsay were lovers. So….that means Paris GAVE Lindsay the “firecrotch?” (crazy days and nights)

Eva Langoria is engaged (seriously?! omg!! wtf?!)

Danny Devito is drunk on “The View” (celebitchy)

Fiddy calls Oprah an Oreo. (tmz)

Latoya Jackson is going to shoot somebody (a socialite’s life)

Las Bonitas en Beverly Hills (x17)

Kramer is psycho (yeeeah!)


Those are words that are music to my ears. The guy that let Anna Nicole “borrow” his house is now allowed to evict her by force. TMZ reports:

A court in the Bahamas has ordered Anna Nicole Smith to vacate the house she's living in -- STAT.

TMZ has obtained a default judgment issued yesterday against Smith (aka Vickie Lynn Marshall). G. Ben Thompson, the owner of the home in which Smith has been living, recently filed papers to evict her. Smith was required to respond to Thompson's filing by Monday, November 27, but failed to do so.Yesterday, the court entered a default judgment, which means Thompson can now force Smith out of the house.
Fuck the whole Britney thing. If I was a photographer I would be down in front of her house waiting to see how they “force” her out and her reaction to it. Since she’s a piece of shit and probably looks like one since she’s been living without electricity for three weeks, I imagine it will have to be the equivalent of an enema. Or a strategically placed bucket of KFC.


Kevin Costner has learned from others' mistakes and refuses to disfigure himself by giving in to plastic surgery. PR-inside reports:
Hollywood star KEVIN COSTNER insists he will never have cosmetic work done to change his ageing body.The 51-year-old actor, who was once one of Hollywood's hottest stars after starring in films such as THE BODYGUARD and DANCES WITH WOLVES, refuses to use surgery to look more like his younger self.

He says, "I am never going for a hairpiece, dye or nips and tucks. You will always have to take me as you find me."We all have our vanity. We can all hear whispers. In my case, they still say, 'He's taller than I thought.' "But there will come the day when they will say, 'He is much older than I remember him.'"
Well, at least he won’t be hearing horrified gasps saying, “What the fuck happened to him?”

There are three male celebrities who should have filed a malpractice suit as soon as the anesthesia wore off.

First up: Kenny Rogers. Who apparently, did not know when to walk away or know when to run.

Then there is Mickey Rourke:

Then we have Bruce Jenner.

And there you have it. The Trifecta of Malconformation. Which just made me wonder if the Island of Dr. Moreau is real. With monkeys for doctors and Jessica Simpson clones for nurses. I just scared me.


X-Men illustrator Dave Crockum died peacefully Sunday evening in his home. CNN reports:

Wearing Superman pajamas and covered with his Batman blanket, comic book illustrator Dave Cockrum died Sunday.
The 63-year-old overhauled the X-Men comic and helped popularize the relatively obscure Marvel Comics in the 1970s. He helped turn the title into a publishing sensation and major film franchise.

Cockrum died in his favorite chair at his home in Belton, South Carolina, after a long battle with diabetes and related complications, his wife Paty Cockrum said Tuesday. At Cockrum's request, there will be no public services and his body will be cremated, according to Cox Funeral Home. His ashes will be spread on his property. A family friend said he will be cremated in a Green Lantern shirt.
I know. You expect me to tear into a grown man for wearing Superman pj’s, and covered in his Batman blanket. But if you knew me, you’d know I have a very special fondness for those of the “geek” persuasion. And the way I see it, if you can live your life doing what you love, living your passion and seeing it through to the end, then you have lived well. And when we come to the end of our rainbows, may the rest of us be so lucky as to see our dreams come to fruition and then die peacefully in our sleep, at home, in our favorite chair.

Rock on, Dave.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Ah yes, the many confident poses of a man in a girdle (molly good)

In a flashing of a different kind, Heather Mills shows us her court notes (seriously?! omg! Wtf?!)

Britney Spears is developing a bulbus drunk nose, looks like Courtney love, and almost put gas in the driver’s seat (celebrity puke)

Free your mind and see the beauty in ugly (the bastardly)

It’s rumored that Owen Wilson is going to ask Kate Hudson to marry him. Take a glimpse into the future and see what their offspring will look like (city rag)

Harriet Carter will defile your senses (ibbb)

The trials and tribulations of the Holilday Season and the Equal Opportunity Employer (litely salted)


Perez Hilton had a post today that was talking about how Britney’s fans are making a lot of comments on her Myspace page pretty much begging her to get her shit together. I took a look and my absolute TOTAL favorite comment was this:

yo that clam chowder shot you gave the world was crazy it looked like k-fed beat that like it was his trailerpark step son
Touché, homie. Touché.

Check out her Mypace page yourself. Click here.


I wish Steve Irwin were still alive so he could do a running commentary on the video of Lindsay Lohan flipping her shit when her mother gets in the car; (blimey she’s a firey one) Britney wearing her Jiffy Pop hat (you don’t see that very often in this part of the world, this is facsinating!); and Paris yelling, “Tell Firecrotch She’s no Longer Welcome”…with the whole video culminating with a big ol, ‘FUCK YOU’ from Paris (crickey! this filly clearly is near her menstrural cycle!)

It’s like like watching the Discovery Channel. Except that the crocodiles are more civilized.

Click here to see the video and a timeline that precedes the glorious event.


Madonna wants to get away from it all. And is letting you know precisely where she’ll be while doing it. Starpulse reports:

Superstar MADONNA is reportedly taking her adopted son DAVID to a tropical island for his first Christmas with his new family.Madonna and husband GUY RITCHIE initially planned to bring the whole family to the Maldives, but changed their mind when a hotel reportedly demanded $450,000 (£250,000) for them to have the whole place to themselves for one week.A source close to Madonna tells British newspaper The People, "Madonna has been so happy since adopting David. She decided to make Christmas really special this year as it is his first with his new family."She and Guy decided to go somewhere idyllic where they could get away from it all. When it went wrong she was devastated." The couple are now said to be seeking out an alternative destination, possibly in the Cayman Islands or the Seychelles.
“She’s been so happy since adopting David” Nothing like making you “old kids” feel like they didn’t cut it. Let’s “get away from it all” by letting everyone know what our plans are so they can take pictures of the happy family frolicking in the sand. No doubt she’ll be in a bikini or her leotard and shoving her gap-toothed smile into the camera, all the while holding the baby up over her head in an idealistic mothering stance. Meanwhile the “other two” will be scenery in the background, smiling with a maudlin faithfulness.

So there you have it paparazzi. Before you lays prone her plans for the next round of family exploitation. Just in time for you to get your cameras packed and be accused of intruding on her privacy. Fab-u-fucking-lous.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Tom Cruise is to release a record with new wife Katie Holmes. A remake of “You lost that loving Feeling.” Who wouldn’t if your man wore a fucking girdle (ibbb)

PETA names Nicole Richie worst dressed (celebrity terrorist)

Jerry, Elaine and George are going to be fucking pissed (e-online)

The guy Cosmo Kramer is based on is named Kenny Kramer and he has his own website. (kennykramer)

Hilary Duff is less horse-like now (the evil beet)

Kirsten Dunst has ugly photoshoot sex with photographer Matthew Rolston (the bastardly)

A part of the MTV series we didn’t see. Jessica Simpson has a soon to be released sex tape (yeeah!)


Atta girl. This is going to look real good when it comes time for the custody portion of the divorce: PR-inside reports:

A source told the New York Post newspaper: "Britney has been missing recent recording sessions because she has been out all night partying."Her label, Jive, is very worried." The 24-year-old star, who has two young sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, has been telling her friends: "I gave birth for two-and-a-half years, and now I want to party."

She gave birth for two and half years? Well, that there's got to be a record or sumpthin' y'all. That there just could be a wonder of that medical science I dun heard about on the TV. (click here for musical accompaniment)

She's being a complete idiot. Meanwhile, K-Fed is initiating some kind of "good guy" campaign. I hope she dons her metal panties when she enters battle for the custody of the children. She's going to need them.

To see it the great snatch attack up close and personal click here . And thank God the internet hasn't come up with scratch and sniff yet.


Kid Rock had a meltdown in front of everyone at a special screening of Borat a few weeks ago. Page Six reports:

"Ron Meyer held a screening of 'Borat' at his house for a bunch of people, including Pam and Bob," says an Anderson pal. "It was the first time Bob had seen the movie, and, well, he didn't like it."

The hugely popular film shows Sasha Baron Cohen - in character as Borat Sagdiyev - falling in love with Anderson after seeing her in a "Baywatch" rerun, then driving across America in order to propose marriage to her.

Her friend tells Page Six, "Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' - in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing.
First, she was a whore BEFORE that movie so don't blame it on Borat. Secondly, let's face it, I don't care who you are. Any guy that hooks up with Pam Anderson at this point, is going to feel inadequate. Only for the fact that the whole world knows that Tommy Lee is packing a monster trouser snake and that is going to have a domino effect on anyhing and everything that happens in that relationship.

Well, that and after all that "Tommy" I bet having sex with her is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.


Why is it I expect Paris Hilton to start singing, "A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down"? I'm confused by how lately, she is appearing to have her shit together. I know it's like comparing apples to kiwi-fruit..but it's still fruit. That's why I'm struggling with this.

Here is the Queen of Twatilidge keeping Britney's legs closed. And this is Britney's second, "flashing". So she knows about the media and the attention it got. And what disturbs me about this is she isn't doing a damn thing to make herself look better. Her hair is a mess, her face is a close second, and beside her is fucking Paris Poppins with the headband and the poofy blouse. I'm waiting for an English accent to come out of her saying, "Dahhling, you simply must start behaving more like a lady."

I'm so confused by the sight of all of this. My brain actually hurts. But, I DO think that Paris is using all of this to bolster her own image..which makes me somehow be able to balance the imbalance in my head. Okay, that's not true. I really have pills for that.


Hot on the heels of being #1 on the "hot hair" list; Jennifer Aniston is considering becoming a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars” Life Style Extra reports:

The former 'Friends' actress is an avid fan of US p rogramme 'Dancing With The Stars' - which sees celebrities coupled with professional ballroom dancers and then compete against one-another in knock-out rounds - and is delighted bosses have invited her to participate.

A source told Britain's Daily Express newspaper: "She's seriously considering doing the show and thinks it would be a laugh."

I'm glad for her. Because admitting it is the first step to recovery. It's not easy admitting to yourself and to the world you are a has-been. When you are ready to step onto the dance floor with the likes of Jerry Springer, Joey Lawrence, Evander Holyfield, Tia Carrera and Tatum O'Neil, you know that for a moment, albeit a brief one; you can step out of the blackness of obscurity and feel the warmth of the spotlight on your face. Until your ass is voted off and your next gig is touting something...anything on Home Shopping Network. Reality sucks. And reality TV sucks harder.


In August, Abby reported on a humorous, yet heinous, tribute to Suri Cruise. There it was for all of us to see, "art" in it's simplest of forms. If you went to Tom and Katie’s house, you'd see what they call a "trend" in their choice of decor. And that trend would be enveloped in bronze. Tomkatcrazy reports:

Patrizia Riccioni, mayer of Bracciano gave Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes a Bronze Model of Odescalchi Castle with their wedding date inscribed in it as a wedding gift. Isn’t this beautiful? I think the town should market these for TomKat fans.
Um. That would be a resounding no, thank you. It doesn't look big enough for anything useful. And by that I mean not big enough to stash all my sex-toys.

But after confirming Tom's "emotional eating" problem and the fact that he had a girdle sewn into his wedding tux, I'm imagining the only thing that bronze box will be holding is an array of Hostess baked goods and the underwear he wore in Risky business...with a girdle-esque support panel sewn in, of course. And when he takes the box off the mantel and takes it up to his room, Katie will hear the door lock behind him. In a few moments; just long enough for Tom to put on his control skivvies; she will hear the muffled music begin to play. Then she'll look up at the mantle and see a bronze piece of shit sitting on it. And if that doesn't inspire a moment of epiphanic proportions, nothing will.

Monday, November 27, 2006


Lindsay Lohan needs detox and a reality check (celebitchy)

Beyonce’s dad is the new “Papa Joe Simpson” (idlyitw)

Ken Paves cost Jessica Simpson a job (celebrity mound)

K-Fed doesn’t read internet blogs cuz he know who he be (mollygood)

Whatever you do, don’t tell him that he might want to consider watching VH1 (ibbb)

How quickly we forget. Taylor Hicks bites the hand that feeds him (seriously?! omg! wtf?!)

A very cool website written by a celebrity lawyer….tells you enough to keep you interested, but not enough to betray any confidentialities. It’s a fine line, really. (crazy days and nights)

Michael Richards in blackface. Nice. (the bosh)

Kate Moss hates kids with cancer (yeeah!)


You all thought I was making it up. And I don’t like to say I told you so. But I fucking told you so! Tom Cruise had to admit he was a “nervous eater” as he forces Giorgio Armani to design a girdled tuxedo for his wedding. Nice. Janet Charlton reports:
Tom was wearing a GIRDLE under his tuxedo at his wedding! In case you haven't noticed, Tom packed on around twenty pounds in the past few months before the big event. He says he's a "nervous eater." And he's had a lot to be nervous about - his exit from Paramount and his high octane marriage.

When Tom arrived in Rome, we hear that Giorgio Armani was apoplectic because the wedding tux was too small. Armani personally tended to all the fittings while Tom's pants were let out and various details were adjusted. Tom wanted to look svelte so he didn't protest when Giorgio suggested girdling Tom's midsection so the jacket would fall properly. The corset was sewn into Tom's undergarment. Everyone was sworn to secrecy, but those Armani employees love to gossip, and are we grateful for THAT!
There is a certain humility that comes with Giorgio Armani apologizing to you for your tux being too small; instead of blaming Tom for eating his way out of his wedding garb. But I suppose the “apology” really isn’t an apology when they turn around and suggest that they sew in a fucking GIRDLE into your suit. That’s akin to the manzier. A contraption, in which, I hoped was a fallacy.

This is all well and good for Tom since he wants Katie to be the man. But think of Kate. It was bad enough she had to crouch for her wedding pictures. I can only imagine how Kate was feeling as she donned her L. Ron Hubbard Mask and watched him slink out of that sexy number. I'm going to go with a combo platter of nausea and suicidal.


We all have one. Hell, I have two. That special person with the great personality (or not) that makes you laugh (or not). These are the friends that make great accessories to use when you need to look your very best. There isn’t much I can say about this besides showing you the pictures that make it true.

Paris is hanging with Britney because (and I hate to say it) but she makes Paris look good. These pictures have been taken since Thursday. And I can PROMISE you that it's no coincidence that Britney looks like ass in every picture. This is very strategic on Paris' part:

You can tell in this picture that Paris told Britney she looked "hot". Knowing all too well that she looked more like a hawt mess. T-shirt? Unkempt hair? Same coat you've been wearing all week? Oh yes, you're ready to go out. They won't look hot. Here, borrow my big blue sunglasses. It IS night afterall. And they totally go with your outfit.

I hate when I get drunk and I let my friend Diane do my hair because usually, it looks likt this, and I'm too drunk to care. Britney is trying on that "head down sultry (or slutty) pose" that Paris and Nicole have patented. Doesn't work. She looks like she's just drunk and angry and ready to say, "awre you fuuchin' lookin at me, who do you thnnk you rrrr? Huh..y'all think yer bettr than me..ima fucking kill you. I'll cuuht you..I can get Kevin back if I wanna, right? There better be some fuuccin cheetos in the fuuccin limo.

Sean Preston looks tired. But not as tired as mamma. Britney looks absolutely ragged in her faux leopard skin jacket and faux hair extensions. And why does this make Paris look like the responsible, practical one? This is completely fucking with my head.

Britney's comeback lasted all of a second. Then she sunk faster than the Titanic. It's even reported that she's cant get a new representative because she's considered "a mess" and doesn't take anyone's advice.

There is a supposed " twat sighting". These pics look photoshopped to me, but who knows. If these are real, she's as anatomically correct as a barbie doll.

Shhh..can you hear that? can hear it faintly in the distance. Justin Timberlake is laughing.


Over 200 of you voted and it looks like the majority of our Spank Cheeks readers would have like to have woken up on Friday to read this headline:

Yea, I know this would be a good opportunity for a "choking his chicken" joke but I'm dying with the flu right now and DayQuil is preventing that part of my brain from working. Anyway the stats break down this way:

37.1% K-Fed

16.1 Heather Mills

16.1% Madonna

11.3% Anna Nicole Smith

9.7 Lindsay Lohan

6.5 Michael Jackson

3.2 Screech

We have a new poll up today. So get your Nostradamus on and give us your prediction. I'll let it run until New Year's and on new year's day, and depending on the resultss of the poll, we'll put a "countdown timer" on the site and see how close we come.
AND you wiseasses, just let me tell you that as of tonight, it's a resounding 40% saying they live in fairy tale land with rainbows and unicorns and they'll live happily ever after.


click here for exclusive audio from Rev. Jackson's interview with Michael Richards.

Michael Richards claims that humiliation caused him to embark on his spew of racial epitaphs. We all deal with humiliation differently. When I'm humiliated, you can find me alone in the closet with an Alden Merrill cheesecake. But this isn't about me.

Michael Richards apologized today during an in-studio interview with Reverend Jesse Jackson for his racist tirade last week. But he doesn’t know just how sorry he’s going to be. According to City News
The two men who were the target of a racist tirade by former Seinfeld star Michael Richards are demanding a personal apology and their lawyer has suggested the comic could avoid a lawsuit with a monetary settlement.

Frank McBride and Kyle Doss say they were at a West Hollywood comedy club last week with about 20 other people to celebrate a friend's birthday. Their attorney, Gloria Allred, claims they were ordering some drinks when Richards singled them out and accused them of heckling.

"To have him do what he did to me ... I can't even explain it," the 26-year-old said. "I was humiliated, even scared at one point."
Allred has suggested that the comic meet her clients in front of a retired judge to "acknowledge his behaviour and apologize to them" and to allow the former jurist to decide on monetary compensation.

She didn't reveal a specific amount, but the attorney said it could be one way Richards could avoid a lawsuit.
I wouldn’t sue him for money. Personally, it would have been more than enough for me to have been the person Richards went off on. I would have made t-shirts that said “Cosmo Kramer hates me”, set up an internet site called and a myspace account entitled and my page song would be “Do you really want to hurt me” by Culture Club. Oh yea, baby I would have a fucking field day.

And the irony to beat all ironies? The Seinfeld episode I saw today was Kramer chastising Jerry for being a racist “anti-dentite”. A prime example of how life imitates art. Except in reverse. Sort of. Okay, not really. Fine, YOU find the link. See, this is why I eat cheesecake in the closet. You always make me feel stupid.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


A Very Happy Thanksgiving to all of you from Spank Cheeks!!!

Britney and K-Fed didn’t find Jimmy Kimmel’s jokes funny at the AMAs. What? That was the only good part of the whole show. Geez (seriously? omg! wtf?!)

A New Millennium Nigga wants to apologize to Kramer (pajiba)

There is no sex tape. Great. So much for the stocking stuffer I was giving this Christmas (celebitchy)

Drunken musings on the American Music Awards. Excellent…(drunkenstepfather)

I never fully realized how fucked up the Harriet Carter Catalog was until now. (IBBB)

Kirstin Dunst will distract you from her mangled mouth with her nipples (idlyitw)

Cameron Diaz loves pork (junkiness)

Close the door and get your penis out. Tell me you don’t want this guy’s job of putting lotion on Vida Guerra. (wampoon)


In a desperate bid to prove how emotionally wrought she is, Heather Mills pulled the “limb card” in a recent interview. Pr-Inside reports:

Speaking as part of a world exclusive interview with US news show Extra, which aired last night (21NOV06), Mills stunned host DAYNA DEVON when she said, "I would rather someone come up and chop off all my limbs than go through what I went through." Mills, who is currently in the middle of a painful divorce with McCartney, added, "If your limbs are chopped off, you get another (fake) limb and there's light at the end of the tunnel. When you're vilified for doing nothing but falling in love with an icon... I'd rather have all of my limbs cut off (and) that's the God's honest truth." And the whole experience of falling for McCartney, marrying him and then splitting from him has put her off marriage for life.
Call it a hunch, but I think her pain is coming from the fact that she knows she’s not going to get the settlement she wanted, the fact that after this, she'll never get a date again, and that the entire world hates her with the red hot intensity of a thousand suns. Pulling the “limb-card” is just her way of trying to humanize herself and exemplify just how much pain she is going though.

Her metaphorical diatribe makes about as much sense as the time I happened to see a hooker go off on her “customer” as he accused her of having penis envy. To which she retorted: “I’m glad I don’t have a penis..because then I’d have to fuck losers like you up the ass”. It makes you stop and think but it really doesn’t change how you perceive someone. And just like that hooker on the corner of 5th and Main, there is nothing Heather Mills can do to change public perception. Especially since she WAS that hooker I was talking about.

Hey, if the limb fits, wear it.


When aksed about hosting the 2006 American Music Awards, Jimmy Kimmel was quoted as saying:
"Anything can happen," he said. "A couple of years ago when I hosted, Anna Nicole Smith had her famous flip-out on the air. And that was just all I could possibly ask for. I tried to get them to invite her again. … Or somebody with a problem."
After the Anna Nicole debacle, and being there when Courtney Love did her drunken stint at Pam Anderson’s roast, I’m sure Jimmy Kimmel was as disappointed as I was with last night’s toned down, uneventful award ceremony.

The best part was the opening monologue in which Jimmy made his K-fed jokes. He said his new album was the only release he had that didn’t get anyone pregnant. He also said that it’s unfair that people compare him to Vanilla Ice; because Vanilla ice at least had a hit. He said that Kevin Federline was a no-hit wonder.

He then introduced K-Fed, and a look-a-like descended from the ceiling and promptly put in a large wooden shipping box; screwed shut by stage hands, put on the back of a truck, driven down the road and tossed off a pier. When the camera cut back to Jimmy, his remark was, “A whole school of fish just got pregnant”. Pan to audience; everyone is laughing hysterically.

If that doesn’t “bring it home” for K-Fed at this point, I don’t know what will. I’m imagining he watched it in the sight and sound department of a Wal*Mart somewhere. I can only hope there was an obese woman in polyester nearby to laugh at him. That would be sweet poetic justice.

Right after that, Jimmy Kimmel announced loudly that the first presenter would be "bachelorette Britney Spears"; and the place went crazy. Of course she was chewing gum at first but seemed to realize it and stopped. She then, turns away from the podium and shows us the back of her head. I think it was to make sure we saw she had her extensions in right after this was all over the internet yesterday. (they still are the worst I’ve ever seen though).

Below, is Britney presenting at last night’s awards. For a low-down on who won the awards last night, click here.


Lindsay Lohan sucks at multi-tasking. She cannot drink, perform ritualistic cutting, flash her firecrotch AND drive. Contact Music reports:

Hollywood star LINDSAY LOHAN narrowly escaped injury when her Range Rover collided with a police car in London on Sunday (19NOV06). The MEAN GIRLS actress, 20, was partying with notorious London socialite CALUM BEST - son of late soccer legend GEORGE BEST - when her vehicle crashed into the police car, which had jumped a red light.

The incident is Lohan's fourth car accident in 18 months. In May 2005, she suffered minor injures when photographer GAIO RAMIREZ drove his car into her vehicle in Los Angeles. In October 2005, Lohan plowed her Mercedes Benz into a red van and injured the driver in Beverly Hills, California. She claimed she was speeding to get away from the paparazzi. Just two weeks ago (07NOV06), Lohan's Mercedes was damaged when a photographer slammed into the back of the vehicle near Hollywood nightspot Hyde.
I have a crazy idea. Hear me out. How about, when she pulls this kind of stuff (which is often), that she gets reprimanded somehow? I know, I know, it's really far-fetched. Hell, the last time I rear ended a cop I had to take a special breathalyzer in the back seat of the cruiser while he performed an extensive body cavity search. I had to keep blowing and blowing until the officer was satisfied I wasn’t drunk. It took 20 minutes and let me tell you, I've learned my lesson.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Penelope Cruze is DROP DEAD gorgeous in the Pirelli Calendar (celebitchy)

Nicole Richie fires stylist Rachel Zoe (usmagazine)

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire homeschools his kids (seriously? omg! Wtf?!)

Somebody fucked up BIG time when they made this Dora the…”toy” (agent bedhead)

Jerry Seinfeld makes Michael “Kramer” Richards apologize. (idlyitw)

Paris Hilton pukes on stage after lip synching her own song (yeeeah)

Heidi Fleiss says hiring Mike Tyson for her “stud farm” is a hoax (pr-inside)

“Show Me The Money” is Shat-tastic! (ibbb)

The REAL untouched photo of TomKat’s wedding. The truth is out there, people (angry ferret jones)

Ewww…your doll called…it wants it’s hair back (mollygood)

Rosie O’Donnell accuses Kelly Ripa of being homophobic (tmz)


It's that time of year again. Friday is historically the biggest shopping day of the season, and so, to make sure you are ready for it, we've got some helpful hints. I'll start of with a couple of personal gems.

Can't find a parking space? Try parking space hunting! Drive very slowly behind your prey walking to their car with their bags. Once you sense their nervousness, you've pretty much sealed the deal and even if they were just going to drop off the bags, they will now get in the car and drive away just to get away from you.

Another helpful hint? Let's say what your looking for is now longer on the shelf. But you see it in someone else's carriage. You can take it. It's not really theirs until they pay for it. Possession is not 9/10ths of the law until I see a receipt. I'm just saying.

Now those are some pretty sweet tips. But I've got more for you. Check it's a website that tells you what is on sale the day after Thanksgiving and discussion forums that tell you about line rules, etc. But I have my own rule for that. I'm in line, I'm next. That's it.

Also, if you get a gift card you don't like this season, you can trade it or cash it in at one of these sites; but read this article first:

And here is a link to the top 10 Worst toys for this 2006 Holiday Season:

Armed with these tips, you should have a sweet, altercation filled holiday season; and with any luck at all, it will culminate with a verbose, drunken tirade. The most wonderful time of the year, indeed.


Usually, if I call someone a crazy bitch, it's a compliment. But not this time. J-Lo pulled some serious egotistical bullshit at Tom & Kate’s sham wedding. US Weekly reports:

Katie Holmes was the one getting married on Saturday, but who was the biggest diva of the weekend? Jennifer Lopez!

Tom Cruise and Holmes kindly arranged for a private plane to bring some of their more famous friends to Italy for their wedding. But a source tells Us Weekly that, hours before Jada Pinkett Smith, Leah Remini and Jerry Maguire director Cameron Crowe boarded the chartered 757 to Rome, “Jennifer Lopez sent her assistant to secure seats by laying her belongings on all the best seats!”

Lopez also flew her hairstylist, Ken Pavés, into Rome and set him up at the posh Hotel Hassler to do her hair for the big day.

Meanwhile, it’s supposed to be the bride’s special weekend, but the singer made sure that all eyes were on her at a group dinner at the restaurant Nino on Thursday night. Says a source, “The November 16 welcome dinner was supposed to be casual. But J.Lo, of course, wore a gown. So much for casual.”

And the special treatment didn’t stop there. At 2:33 a.m. in the wee hours after the wedding, Lopez, 37, had a waiter sneak two doggie bags to her and husband Marc Anthony, 38, as they were on their way to the airport to return to the States.
As soon as I read this article (and especially the part about the gown), I decided that J-Lo is turning into the Norma Desmond character from the old movie Sunset Boulevard. Which is a movie about a silent-film star who is having a really hard time fading-to-black in the Hollywood realm. Not unlike J-Lo.

I am envisioning that J-Lo was the epitome of the clip below at TomKat’s wedding. I bet the guests looked at her the same way they are looking at Norma Desmond too. You know, with that "what the fuck" experssion. The above story coupled with the 1950 clip encompasses what J-Lo has become: caught in the vestibule betwen fame and ambiguity. It's so tragic, really. She had a really nice ass.


Because it's a short week, I've decided to make your last couple of days as unproductive as possible. I found a site called My Heritage, where you can upload a picture of yourself and the software looks for similarities between your face and the celebrities they have on file. I don't think it worked well for me, but I did put in some other pictures of friends and it worked out pretty well for them. Maybe I'm just saying it didn't work well for me because I didn't like the people they matched me with. I don't know. No wait, yes I do. Because I was pissed when Melissa Gilbert came up and I coveniently left her out in my rotating montage above.

Click on the picture above to go to the site and you will see on the left hand side of the screen "face recognition". Go there and follow the directions. Have fun!

Monday, November 20, 2006


What.....the...fuck. “Kramer” goes on a racial tirade during an LA comedy event. (tmz)

Check out the new Harry Potter screencaps and movie trailer (celebitchy)

I’m both disturbed and titillated. I’m distitillated? Carmen Electra and Joan Jett were “going at it” backstage at the ‘music box’. Yea, I bet that’s what Joan Jett calls it (gabsmash)

Brad Pitt channels Willy Nelson (ibbb)

Kevin Federline is sporting a ‘swacket’ in Miami (mollygood)

Everyone is saying that ex-American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson is Oscar-worthy (evil beet)

Major Prison Break Spoiler Alert!!!! (just jared)

Has-been and Jesus Freak Stephen Baldwin thinkshe was the inspiration for “Jackass” (celebrity mound)

Celebrity fornication at the mansion that airbrushing built? You don’t say (yeeeah!)

Courtney Love is naked....and you know you want to see it (perez hilton)


Hey, wanna be our friend? Spank Cheeks is now on Myspace. I don’t have much to say about it other than that. Well, except that David Hasselhoff seems to have a hard time mastering the “comment” section. Check it out at:


That got your attention didn’t it? Well, don’t be too excited. It’s just Britney Spears trying to beat Fed-Ex to the punch by giving away a digitally enhanced version of the 4 hour honeymoon tape. E-Canada reports:

Sources close to Spears report she is “seriously thinking about” giving away a digitally re-mastered copy of the four-hour long sex video.

During a visit to Burger Basket with her two sons, Sean Preston and Jayen James spears said she may just post a clip of the video on MySpace.

“Brit figures she’ll beat that sucker to the punch, just like she did by giving away pictures of Jayden James,” said Spears family friend Nyla Price, 55, the owner of Nyla’s Burger Basket.

“Half of nuthin’ is nuthin’, and that’s what her lying skunk of a husband will get if she gives that video away before he can find some sleazeball to buy it.”
Burger Basket? Give me a break, everyone knows all worthwhile epiphanies are over a Chalupa at Taco Bell.

Anyway, it was reported that in this tape, they played an odd game of chess. Which, I’m pretty certain goes like this. And it’s going to be free. And digitally enhanced. And while you are furiously masturbating over just that fact alone, somewhere, K-Fed will be clutching the original version to his chest and rocking back and forth in a Greyhound terminal.


Do not ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. –Ernest Hemingway

It’s all over but the crying, my friends. I’m sure you’ve already heard that Katie and Tom have finally tied the knot over the weekend. And judging by the pictures above, they weren’t stressed at all.

Here’s a quick download since you’ve no doubt seen it elsewhere. Star Magazine reports:

Katie wore an off-the-shoulder bridal gown by Giorgio Armani and carried calla lilies wrapped in leaves of galax and steelgrass. The gown featured a train in ivory silk cadis adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery, featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem. Holmes also chose an ivory tulle floor length veil and ivory silk shoes.

Tom wore a navy blue two-button satin peak lapel single breasted Armani handmade tuxedo with flat front trousers and matching four-button vest. The tuxedo was complemented by an ivory silk French collar shirt, of the same fabric as the bride’s gown.

The wedding party included Isabella and Connor, Katie’s sister Nancy Blaylock as Matron of Honor and Tom’s best friend David Miscavige as the Best Man. Holmes’ two older sisters, her brother, and parents were also on hand, as were Cruise’s three sisters and mother Mary Lee. Katie was walked down the aisle by her father during the traditional marriage ceremony, which was performed by a Scientology minister.

After they took their vows, the couple celebrated with family and friends at a wedding reception which included colorful and elegant floral décor accented with red roses. TomKat was serenaded by world-renowned Italian vocalist Andrea Bocelli. Guests enjoyed a multi-course meal followed by five-tiered white chocolate wedding cake which was decorated with marzipan roses, and was studded with white chocolate chips and featured white chocolate mouse and white chocolate cream filling.

For the reception, Katie changed into an asymmetric champagne Giorgio Armani Privé evening dress made of silk organza and decorated in Swarovski crystal beads. It looks like Tom really did give Katie a fairy-tale wedding!
And here is the lovely wedding picture in which you can see Tom clutching to Katie for dear life; and the expression on his face is what? Nausea? Trepidation? Afraid he may have to actually consummate the marriage? Not to mention, he’s got 5:00 shadow, what the fuck is up with that? And there are three of them in this picture. You don’t see it? You don’t? Yes, you do. Do you really think they NEED to step aside so you can see the light? If they stood in front of it it would still give off that nice effect eminating off the wall..the reason they don’t obstruct it?

It’s the light of Xenu. Thanks for coming, Xenu. Have some cake.

On a side note, Jessica Simpson’s Paves did a SHITTY job on her hair. That’s what happens when you hire a guy that puts in hair extensions, not a stylist. Or maybe he was really there for Tom.

Friday, November 17, 2006



You ain't got no alibi
You ugly!
What? What?
You Ugly!

click here.
And feel free to thank me later.


They say she’s being catty; I think she’s being a concerned, remindful friend. Shanna Moakler tells Paris Hilton to ‘Take her Valtrex”. (X17)

Borat does Rolling Stone (hollywood grind)

Rachel Ray’s husband’s pays to be spit on (idlyitw)

K-Fed moves out of Britney’s “cheap” mansion (celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan’s GQ photoshoot (the evil beet)

Did Elizabeth Hurley sell her breasts to the devil? (hollywood tuna)

Last week it was the stills. This week, see Mischa Barton’s nude video (egotistic)

Jessica Biel and Derek Jeter? (wwtdd)

Mario Lopez should have broke out his secret weapon (cityrag)

Cameron Diaz has a new nose (faded youth)

Tina Fey hates Paris Hilton (ibbb)

Heather “Golddigger” Mills to do her first interview since the whole divorce debacle (seriously? omg! wtf?!)

Thursday, November 16, 2006


K-Fed wants his sugar-mamma back (molly good)

Insulting Fergie is insulting God. So, we’re all going to hell (yeeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan gets bood, falls down stairs at WMAs (celebitchy)

What makes you think you can pick up your own kids from school if Angelina is around? (seriously? OMG, WTF?!)

Screech’s sex tape has a trailer. You’ll tell people you don’t want to see it, but I know you are going to look at it…later….alone….don’t lie to me. (idlyitw)

Is Justin Timberlake dissing Janet Jackson? (msnbc)


Celebitchy and IBBB both have reported on Jackson's "comeback" last night at the World Music Awards. It was the comeback that wasn't and never will be.

Here is the link to the video. About halfway through, MJ takes the stage. At the very end, he is surrounded by children and walks down a phallically shaped stage. Ironic.


It was reported today that TomKat got married in a civil ceremony. Hollyscoop reports:

We have just gotten word that TomKat has already tied the knot in Rome. The couple said their I do’s in an Italian civil Ceremony last night. They had to have this ceremony prior to the fancy-shmanzy wedding coming up this weekend in the castle. The two were even photographed leaving the Town Hall with none other than Baby Suri!
It was also reported today that Tommy-boy couldn't fit in his suit. Per the Daily Mail:

The clothes were delivered yesterday to the couple's £2,500-night-penthouse suite at the Hassler Hotel on the Spanish Steps in Rome.

But within hours Italian news website TGcom quoted insiders saying the actor, 44, was "having trouble getting into his suit as he was slightly overweight".
Armed with these "facts", we can now begin the dissection of the above photo depicting the newlyweds leaving the alleged civil ceremony. Shall we?

Exhibit A. Katie looks distressed and is looking down, not the epitome of a blushing bride, now is she?

Exhibit B. As you can see, Tom is also looking away from both his wife and his child. The thumb around Katie’s waist is facing up and out, in a “hitch-hiking” stance. Clearly, he wants a ride out of there, and STAT. Perhaps to cruise for the cock.

Exhibit C. Tom is disheveled and sweating. Definitively exemplifying his descent into blubberdom.

Exhibit D. Tom’s suit is gaping due to his affliction: DIB (descent into blubberdom).

Exhibit E. That kid is Asian, I don’t care what anyone says.

And what is the point of all this? Just the fact that his suit is snug, completely aligns with my theory that Tom Cruise has an emotional eating disorder; which all goes back to the fact that he loves the cock. I love science.


Lindsay Lohan hosted The World Music Awards last night. The “world” awards were only televised in the UK. The rest of the world doesn’t get to see it until the 23rd of November. According to the website, these awards are voted on by the public via album sales as opposed to an industry panel. Which is cool but I hope they included Ipod downloads otherwise I didn’t get to vote.

World’s Best Pop Artist: Madonna (there must be more gay guys out there than we thought if this is based on album sales)
World’s Best Pop/Rock Artist: Nelly Furtado
World’s Best Rock Group: Nickelback
Word’s Best R&B Artist: Beyonce
World’s Best Rap/Hip Hop Artist: Kanye West (happy now, Kanye?)
World’s Best Latin Artist: Shakira
World’s Best DJ: Bob Sinclair
World’s Best New Artist: James Blunt

Michael Jackson won the Diamond Award. They give that to the world’s most creative pedophiles. It was also a celebration of the 25th anniversary of Thriller. Which seemed like just the other day, so if you’ll excuse me, I need to go put on some more Regenerist.

Happy Anniversary Thriller Video. You're still pretty good. And compared to today, MJ seems normal.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


Kate Moss and Pete Doherty were banned from attending the world premier of Crowne Royale in London. PR-inside reports:
The supermodel and her drug addict fiancé were desperate to attend Tuesday night's (14.11.06) premiere, in London, to see new 007 Daniel Craig strut his stuff as the suave spy. However, the couple were told they could not go by organisers, who deemed they were not suitable guests to share the red carpet with the monarch.

A source told Britain's Closer magazine: "Pete was desperate to go with Kate. She's a fan of the films and was planning a special outfit to wear. But the organisers didn't want them mixing with royalty on the red carpet – it's a classy event and they were not considered right for the occasion. They're gutted."

Kate, 32, dated Bond actor Daniel for a short time in 2004 but their romance quickly fizzled out.Among the stars who were allowed to attend the glitzy event were Sir Elton John and his partner David Furnish, Jamiroquai singer Jay Kay, Sharon Osbourne and new Bond girl Eva Green.
Ha! Well, even though they didn’t get to attend the event..I’m pretty sure they were well fed…because they just had a huge serving of humble pie shoved down their throats.


I’m scared. I’m serious. Do you know how hard it is to type when you are rocking back and forth trying to give yourself some semblance of comfort?

I heard reports that LaToya Jackson got a new face. So Zanna went a-reasearchin’ and she did find, uh-huh. I then promptly damned Al Gore to Hell for inventing the internet. Because I came across the picture of her new face…and then I looked down at her stomach; and all I can think of is that skin on the top of chocolate pudding. And I HATE her for making me not like chocolate pudding.

Then, I read this article about Michael Jackson, and how he came out to his balcony to satiate his zombie-fans in London and all I can focus on is his hand with the brown fingernails and I don’t know what I’m thinking. I know what I’m feeling… It’s nausea. The underside of my tongue is getting tight feeling and it’s starting to water like I’m going to vomit just to purge whatever it is that has gripped my soul and filled me with fear and loathing Oh wait, I do know what I'm thinking. It's, 'PUT THE GLOVE BACK ON YOU FREAK.

At this very moment, I hate the Jacksons and I hate Al Gore. And fuck you, sweet, sweet internet. I wish I knew how to quit you.


This is a video of Shar Jackson (K-fed's ex) and Jason Alexander (Britney's ex) commenting on the whole Britney/K-fed divorce. I was going to ask you to watch this, but then you’d blame me for 6 minutes of your life you lost and I can’t be responsible for that.

However, if you choose to watch this, you will see two morons feigning the high-road while clinging to their 15 minutes of fame. And if you are like me, you'll find yourself wondering at about 2 minutes 30 seconds; if this interview would have been more entertaining had they interviewed Michael Jackson and Jason Alxender from Seinfeld on the subject instead. Huh. Think about that.


Katie Holmes spent a lot of money on special lingerie for her big day. MSNBC reports:

Tom Cruise’s bride-to-be went to Le Bra Lingerie in West Hollywood and spent more than $3,000 on lacy underthings, more than $1,000 of which was for a “bridal collection” set.

Among the purchases: a Chantilly lace bridal collection, reports a source. Among the goodies: a bra that cost $440, a $340 thong, a garter belt for $220, and silk stockings that went for $95 — for a total of $1,190.

Additionally, Holmes picked out a silk nightgown with a matching robe trimmed with ostrich feathers that set her back $620, a lace bra with Swarovski crystals for $380 and matching thong with crystals for $175, as well as two sets of silk pajamas and matching robes at $425 each.
Okay. You’re going to one of the most beautiful countries with the best couture in the world, and you buy your shit in West Hollywood (which is notoriously known for gay bars, etc).
Okay, you are going to Italy for your wedding. A country well renowed for the best couture fashion has to offer, and you buy your shit in West Hollywood?? As you know, these are the opportunities that I watch for so that I can read blithely between the lines. And when I read between these lines, I discern that this “bridal collection” was an elaborate ruse to camouflage the fact that she's really buying strap-ons, butt plugs, astro-glide, a jewel-encrusted wrestler’s outfit and an L.Ron Hubbard mask. Because that there is how Tom Cruise likes to get his consummation on.

Get it? Because he’s a homo-erectus. And by that I mean he has a smallish brain, low forehead, and protruding face. He's also gay.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


Aaaargh! No! Dave Chappelle cancels live show and will be replaced by douche-extraordinaire Bill Maher (pr-inside)

Paris Hilton flashes her ass…again (hollywood tuna)

Brindle-minded Katie Holmes says, “No, thank you” to Oscar (yeeeah!)

DAMMIT! Eva Longoria is says she’s not in that lesbionic* movie with Beyonce (allie is wired)

Oh no they di-int! You’re right..they didn’t! Oprah is not invited to TomKat’s wedding (people)

As Defamer calls it: It's premature webjaculation! An incomplete Spider Man 3 Trailer has seeped its way onto the internet...just don't get it in your hair. Or your eye. That stings. (defamer)

Justin Timberlake avoids Britney question like the plague (hollywood heartbreaker)

Brad Pitt won’t allow fake wedding with their wax figurines. Fucking buzz-kill. (dlisted)

45 years of Bondage – see every single 007 movie trailer (cinematical)

*I know it’s not a real word. I made it up; I do it all the time.


Usually, the lights are on but nobody’s home. In a drastic, albeit ironic turn of events, the lights went off and Anna was home. TMZ reports:

The drama played out in the Bahamas, where Smith has been living with her newborn baby and attorney Howard K. Stern. Smith's former "friend," G. Ben Thompson, claims to own the property and wants her out.

Last Friday, Thompson contacted the power company rep to pull the plug.Without warning, Anna had no juice for her hairdryer, no power to watch herself on "E.T." -- nothing. Four hours later, after lots of threats from her lawyer, the power company agreed to a temporary reprieve until today.

But wait, there's more! Thompson and his son-in-law flew to the Bahamas on Friday and the son-in-law got on the property and served Smith with an eviction lawsuit. We're told Smith ran back inside the house and then appeared on the balcony and, in classic antebellum style, began screaming: "You get off this property. This is a gift and I ain't ever leaving. And I'll show you, Ben, you ain't never gonna see the baby again! You did a declaration for that f***head Larry Birkhead!!
Oh isn't she unmistakeably reminiscent of Ms. Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind? As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!!!

I don’t know what it’s going to take to get Anna Nicole to leave that abode, but I’m thinking the good people of the Bahamas may need to evoke that whole "torches and pitchforks" thing. Because nothing gives off that, "'frankly Scarlett, we don't give a damn" vibe like torches and pitchforks.


You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Nick Lachey has reportedly been denied by Club Minillo. PR-inside reports:
Nick, the ex-husband of Jessica Simpson, was reportedly crushed after the stunning MTV presenter rejected his offer of marriage proposal.

A source told New Weekly magazine: "Nick would marry Vanessa tomorrow. She is the one who wants to take things slower. She is in no rush to become Mrs Nick Lachey." Now Nick, 33, is worrying their relationship may be doomed to fail because she is becoming more famous than he is.

The source added: "It's the Jessica syndrome all over again. One of the reasons Nick and Vanessa's romance works is that he is the bigger star. Jessica's fame ruined their marriage and now Nick can't help but worry the same thing will happen to Vanessa." Nick's worries have increased since Vanessa landed a role in the next 'Fantastic Four' movie, alongside renowned ladies' man Chris Evans.

The source said: "Vanessa had a crush on Chris in the past and Nick knows it. Back then Chris was dating Jessica Biel, but now he's available and Nick is worried."
DENIED. Poor Nick. . There is nothing like standing in line in waiting in anticipation only to be denied at the door. I know, I know, these metaphors would be so much better if this story was about getting laid. But it’s not and it’s all I can muster at 6:49 am. But it does explains why he looked like this at their birthday party the other night. The guy at Ibbb called it when he saw it…SOMETHING was not quite right. But I’ll bet this gives Jessica a little hope. Any minute now they’ll both be at the same level of suck and maybe then the two of them can try it again for the first time.


I don't know about you, but I was expecting A LOT more from Matt Groening than this when it came to the trailer for the first Simpsons Movie. This trailer is like being promised some great sex with someone you really care about; only to have been delivered a minute and 22 seconds. You tell them it's okay, and it was good anyway; but secretly your fucking pissed.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Nick and Vanessa share a very special birthday (ibbb)

Don’t get in the way of Nicole Richie and her feeding frenzy (idlyitw)

Salma Hayek is a crowd pleaser (cityrag)

An entire VILLIAGE is coming after their idiot (wow report)

Tom Cruise’s eating habits were never the same after he ate that placenta (tmz)

And on the opposite end of that spectrum, Katie Holmes has been starving (holycandy)

It’s a matter of time before Whitney and Britney are BFFs (perezhilton)

Will the real Paris Hilton please stand up….(mollygood)

What NOT to wear….(celebitchy)