SPANK CHEEKS

Thursday, December 28, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.28.06

Jennifer Anniston wants Angelina to STFU already…c’moonnnnnn catfight! (celebitchy)

Live at the Apollo!..um..no..sorry..I mean dead at the Apollo…James Brown…(seriously,omg)

Bono is slowly realizing his dream of world dominiation (agent bedhead)

Jessica Biel will divert your attention by making you look at her ass…then she will crush you with her brawny arms (yeeeah!)

The Harriet Carter video montage…complete with Baaahston accent… (ibbb)

Don’t H8 John Edwards (don’t be a H8ter, yo)

Paris Hilton has a new nickname for Britney (mollygood)

What’s this? You can look sexy with clothes on? Elisha Cuthbert proves it… (pop on the pop)

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

HAPPY NEW YEAR, SADDAM!

Saddam Hussein has a date with death. The Grim Reaper’s estimated time of arrival will be within 30 days. Yahoo reports:

"The appeal court has approved the death sentence. They (the government) has the right to choose the date starting from tomorrow up to 30 days. After 30 days it will be an obligation to implement the sentence," he said.

I don't know why..but as soon as I read this this morning, I started to play that song "Loser" by Beck in my head....I'm a driver I'm a winner things are gonna change I can feel it... Soy un perdedor...I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me..."

Click here for musical accompaniment

SHANE MCGOWAN & PETE DOHERTY.....NAKED

You thought watching Pete Dougherty squirt a syringe full of blood at a camera man was bad? Or shooting up a passed out teenage fan? You ain’t seen nothing yet

Hellraising rockers SHANE MacGOWAN and PETE DOHERTY have posed nude together for a photoshoot.

The pair were tempted out of their clothes by celebrity snapper MARIO TESTINO.THE POGUES rocker MacGowan reveals, "I had my photograph taken with Mr Doherty recently. It was by Mario Testino.

"Nothing particularly unusual, except he asked us to be naked together, which was pretty unexpected. What's more unexpected is that we obliged."
Thank you for your patience as I process mental picture. Processing…..processing….at 38%.....processing……75% …processing….100%.

Okay…well, let me preface this by telling you my mind’s eye does not come with Adobe Photoshop…my mind’s eye is reporting a fierce amount of “pasty white”, but in all fairness, I am only seeing this in an artistic “black and white”which helps distract from the yellowing Euro-teeth. Those resemble Chiclets and are various shades of gray. I am also seeing ungroomed pubic hair, akin to the nests of birds native to Morocco. They are touching. I am becoming increasingly disturbed. I’m starting to rock back and forth. I'm cold. Edit..undo. Edit UNDO!!

Sorry! an unexpected error has occurred while continuing mental picture. This error has been forwarded to Spank Cheek's technical group.

R.I.P FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD

Associated Press Reports:

The nation's 38th president, and the only one neither elected to the office nor the vice presidency, died at his desert home at 6:45 p.m. Tuesday.

"His life was filled with love of God, his family and his country," his wife, Betty, said in a statement.

Ford was the longest living former president, surpassing Ronald Reagan, who died in June 2004, by more than a month.

Ford's office did not release the cause of death, which followed a year of medical problems. He was treated for pneumonia in January and had an angioplasty and pacemaker implant in August.

Funeral arrangements were to be announced Wednesday.

"President Ford was a great man who devoted the best years of his life in serving the United States,"President Bush said in a brief statement to the nation Wednesday morning. "He was a true gentleman who reflected the best in America's character."

Ford was an accidental president. A Michigan Republican elected to Congress 13 times before becoming the first appointed vice president in 1973 after Spiro Agnew left amid scandal, Ford was Nixon's hand-picked successor, a man of much political experience who had never run on a national ticket. He was as open and straightforward as Nixon was tightly controlled and conspiratorial.

Former President Carter described him Wednesday as "one of the most admirable public servants and human beings I have ever known."

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

NICOLE KIDMAN CAN'T GET A BREAK


Reportedly, Keith Urban had been cheating on Nicole even after their engagement was announced publicly. I just saw the pictures of his "mistress" and yea, she has a nice body. The face? Not so much. Splash News reports:

Amanda Wyatt, 23, has told how the hunky singer repeatedly cheated on the Oscar winning star in the run-up to their all-star wedding last summer.The blonde lingerie model alleged that while the couple were busy making plans to marry, ex-junkie Urban, 39, would make passionate love to her during secret meetings.She claimed to a Uk newspaper the cheating music idol Urban:

* NEVER used protection
* BEDDED her in the gym and bedroom of the sprawling Nashville, Tennessee, mansion the star now shares with Kidman.
* BOMBARDED her with sleazy text messages begging her to come round for sex sessions while the A-list actress was out of town.
* ROMPED completely naked with her in his swimming pool during a wild house party.
* DROVE himself to the brink of despair with drug use.

Amanda's bombshell claims will devastate Kidman, 39, who has recently been a rock for Urban after he voluntarily entered the Betty Ford rehab center in California.Now speaking for the first time about their alleged secret affair, Amanda revealed how she was regularly sleeping with Urban even after she saw pictures of the engaged celebrity couple splashed across magazines. And she insisted she now wants nothing more to do with him and has promised Kidman she is not a threat to her marriage.
I would think leaking this shit to the media would constitute being a threat to the marriage but what do I know. All my boyfriend's wives are mad at me so I'm obviously not doing something right.

There is alot more to the story and pictures so click here to check it out.

STEP RIGHT UP! PLACE YOUR BETS!


Wherever she starts spending time is usually where the next adoption comes from. Where did Angelina and Brad spend Christmas? Click here.

COURTNEY LOVE STUMBLES DOWN MEMORY LANE

I'm always suspect when Courtney Love takes us down memory lane. Only because I suspect she doesn't remember shit. Pr-inside reports:

Rocker COURTNEY LOVE and NIRVANA frontman KURT COBAIN often spent the festive season on a drugs hunt - but not before they’d showered each other with personal Christmas gifts.

The pair used to give self-penned songs and stories as presents, but they still made time to embark on a search for illegal narcotics.

She says, "Christmases were really challenging because even the dope dealers take Christmas off.

"Well, not all the dope dealers. Kurt had this friend called DYLAN and I found Dylan one Christmas hiding in my basement. Dylan had found a dope dealer.

"But, y’know, we were a family with a new born, so other than dope it wasn’t really what you’d call a ‘celebrity lifestyle’." She adds, "We made a lot of art for each other and wrote songs for each other - more creative kinds of gifts."
I know I was feeling creative yesterday. After I found out James Brown died, I went looking for my dealer. He wasn’t in my basement but at his mother’s house having dinner and opening presents. He gave me some free shit just to…heyyyy, see what I made you? It’s a picture. I enlarged a picture of my face and I cut a whole out of the mouth. Look! You can stick your tongue through it…Haaaaaaaaaaaaa…. And it has a poem. I made you a poem.


I didn’t drive it very far
I didn’t do that to your car
Green means stop and red means go
And yellow lights are just for show
That dent looks kind of three dimensional
Perfect cars are too conventional
I don’t know why you are all a-dither
Red and black go good together

Monday, December 25, 2006

JAMES BROWN DIES AT 73

Talk about a Christmas buzz-kill. James Brown died early this morning. He was 73. From Associated Press:

ATLANTA - James Brown, the dynamic, pompadoured “Godfather of Soul,” whose rasping vocals and revolutionary rhythms made him a founder of rap, funk and disco as well, died early Monday, his agent said. He was 73.

Brown was hospitalized with pneumonia at Emory Crawford Long Hospital on Sunday and died around 1:45 a.m. Monday, said his agent, Frank Copsidas of Intrigue Music. Longtime friend Charles Bobbit was by his side, he said.

Copsidas said Brown’s family was being notified of his death and that the cause was still uncertain. “We really don’t know at this point what he died of,” he said.

Along with Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan and a handful of others, Brown was one of the major musical influences of the past 50 years. At least one generation idolized him, and sometimes openly copied him. His rapid-footed dancing inspired Mick Jagger and Michael Jackson among others. Songs such as David Bowie’s “Fame,” Prince’s “Kiss,” George Clinton’s “Atomic Dog” and Sly and the Family Stone’s “Sing a Simple Song” were clearly based on Brown’s rhythms and vocal style.

'No one near as funky'If Brown’s claim to the invention of soul can be challenged by fans of Ray Charles and Sam Cooke, then his rights to the genres of rap, disco and funk are beyond question. He was to rhythm and dance music what Dylan was to lyrics: the unchallenged popular innovator.
I don't know what you believe in, but I've decided Jesus wanted James Brown for a birthday present and that James Brown is dancing just like this video at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter and is rocking out. Enjoy my childlike wonderment. It'll last for about 12 hours. Wahoo-Doray. Amen.

Friday, December 22, 2006

STALLION'S PAPARAZZI PHONE

What happens when you tell your Italian son that you want Paris Hilton's perfume for Christmas? What happens when your son HATES Paris Hilton and is beside himself because (and I quote): "I don't want to give that bitch my money!!!"

What you get is a loyal Spank Cheeks & Angry Ferret poster to go out and make the most of it, that's what. Armed with nothing but his good looks and his camera phone, the following footage was taken. Being that his camera only has 15 seconds of film time, he did the best with what he had.

This is our first "paparazzi". There are no celebrities in it but we mention one, so that counts. You may liken it to fingerpainting with feces but it's all we've got.

Thanks to Stallion for the footage. If you have any other "suggestions" for Stallion's Papparazzi Phone, leave them after the jump.

PHA-LA-LA-LA-LLIC

Now, here is a tree suitable for “pornaments”. Check out this phallically shaped coniferous delight:

Alan Parkin put the willies up his neighbours - with this naughty 10ft Christmas tree.

Not content with adding just a couple of baubles, Alan, 47, decorated the fir with red and white fairy lights outside his home in aptly named Penistone.

But his jolly green giant didn't exactly excite fellow residents and they complained to police. Proof, perhaps, that size isn't everything.

One said: "It's rather rude. There are children and teenagers about and I don't think it's good for them to see." Another fumed: "It's just obscene. We shouldn't have to put up with it."

Although officers who visited his South Yorkshire home merely asked him to remove the lights, the jobless prankster has agreed to go all the way - and give the tree the snip.

Married Alan said: "It was just a laugh. If it offended anybody, then the shape will be altered.
"I was amazed when police called around. They said they had received a complaint and would I mind removing the lights so it didn't look offensive."

But not all neighbours were outraged. Constance Barnard, a widow in her 60s, said: "It doesn't bother me.

"I didn't know we had anyone around here so pious as to complain to police. I'm a churchgoer but I don't think about it. I'm a live-and-let-live lady."

Mind you, even she wasn't that impressed with Alan's idea of a Christmas lunchbox. Constance said: "It looks more like a mushroom."

WIERD AL INTERVIEWS KEVIN FEDERLINE

MISS NEVADA NEEDS A BETTER PUBLICIST

What ever happened to, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?” I’m so tired of the lies, man. TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned that Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA 2007, has been stripped of her title after racy photos emerged of her kissing other women and exposing herself. Miss Nevada is in red. TMZ has exclusively obtained the entire graphic series.

In a statement, Paula M. Shugart, President of the Miss Universe Organization, said "Katie Rees has been relieved of her duties as Miss Nevada USA 2007. First Runner-up Helen Salas will assume the title and compete at the 2007 MISS USA Pageant on March 23 in Los Angeles."

In a statement to the TV show "EXTRA," an attorney for Rees, says, was "Katie wants the public to know she was 17 and had a lapse in judgment. This was an isolated incident that occurred more than five years ago when she was a minor."
Oh yea? Well, in a statement to the blogsite Spank Cheeks, Zanna said, “ Fuck that shit. It was five years ago. For Chrissakes, even bad credit goes away in seven years, give the girl a break. Not only that, you're looking at sexually explicit pictures of a minor, so I guess that makes you a pedophile. Yea, I thought that whould shut you up”

I'm a public relations machine.

To see the pictures yourself click here.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

TWELVE DAYS OF 2006

......celebrity style

ANGELINA JOLIE HAS SELECTIVE MEMORY

Angelina Jolie says the worst thing you can do is seduce someone else’s husband.

The actress - who first met partner Brad Pitt on the set of 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith' when he was married to Jennifer Aniston - says she hated her character in her latest movie, 'The Good Shepherd', because she seduces a married man, played by Matt Damon.

Angelina - who now has a baby with Brad, Shiloh - is quoted by Britain's Grazia magazine: "She does one of the worst things a woman could do. One scene I actually had trouble shooting because I'm so against that behaviour.

"She seduces him, and entraps him into having a child. There's not much worse than that, is there? But they're both at fault. They both had sex that night." Just last week, Angelina vehemently denied she and Brad had embarked on a relationship while he was still with Jennifer and insisted they remained "just good friends" until he split from the former 'Friends' star.
This reminds me of the time when I was 10 and I told Kevin Sheilds next door that if I caught him beating up my sister again, it would be the last thing he’d ever do. I promptly took his Magic 8 ball, smashed it on a rock and decapitated his GI Joe doll and sent him home crying. Then, I beat up my own sister in my backyard for letting him get the better of her. See how that works? It’s not okay when someone else does it. But it’s okay when I do it. I invented that move way before Angelina tried it. I’m a trailblazer, baby.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.20.05



A very special Harriet Carter Christmas (IBBB)

Paris Hilton’s eye gets it’s wonk-on after she’s out partying…but look how ladylike she is getting out of the car… (x17)

Sienna Miller went on the vodka diet to get ready for her new movie. I already knew about that diet. Ask anyone. I’m the hottest chic in AA. (egotastic)

Sharon Stone and Christian Slater. Deal with that mental image. (a socialites’s life).

Hillary Duff will play a Russian pop star in her next movie. I’m not going to be Russian to go see that. Get it? I’m a fucking riot. (hollywood tuna)

Eminem and Kim are divorced again. Shocker, I know (people)

I don’t get how Coco’s ass does that on the cover of smooth (double viking)

Brad and Angelina to give up acting for the children. For God’s sakes, think of the children (seriously, omg)

Things get ugly between a gay reality show winner and a gay blogger (agent bedhead)

Santa Claus found in utility closet after botched attempt to abduct 8 year old girl. (junkiness)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US

It’s about this time of year when you’re ready to either kill family members, strangers in traffic or if you are like me, set your tree on fire in the middle of the living room. And it’s because of this, that the Seinfeld-inspired holiday of “Festivus” is becoming a real holiday. Even though I’m sure I would just get drunk and never get past the “airing of grievances”.

Sick of Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or the holidays in general? Check out the Festivus website.


BRITNEY SPEARS BOOED OUT OF LAKERS GAME

Like sand through the hourglass, so go the days of her life. TMZ reports:

How the tide has turned – now it's Britney who's getting booed and K-Fed, or something like him, eliciting cheers.

The exhibitionist pop star was among the fans at last night's Lakers-Wizards game at L.A.'s Staples Center, attending with sister Jamie Lynn and agent Jason Trawick. When Brit's face popped up on the Jumbotron, according to a TMZ spy in attendance, the entire crowd booed loudly, making Britney so mad that she left even before halftime.

To add injury to insult, the image of a K-Fed-alike graced the Jumbotron shortly thereafter, and the crowd actually cheered. Fellow celeb-fans Chris Tucker, Ellen Pompeo, Andy Garcia, and, of course, Jack Nicholson, stayed around to watch an overtime thriller, which the Lakers lost.
When she was with K-Fed, we could at least make excuses for her. It was good for her and for us. We could just pretend it was all his fault. But now we are faced with the realization that she’s a fucktard on every conceivable level - all by herself. When thousands of people collectively boo you out of the Staples Center, you should probably use that as a gauge as to how well your “comeback” is going to be. It’s not. Unless you want to issue a press release that you were under the influence of something OTHER than Paris Hilton. Because really, you can’t be that dim unless you have an excuse. Like a copious amount of prescription drugs...or a helmet and a shortbus.

R.I.P. JOE BARBERA

Barbera, half of the Hanna-Barbera animation team that produced such beloved cartoon characters as Tom and Jerry, Yogi Bear and the Flintstones, died Monday, a Warner Bros. spokesman said. He was 95. Barbera died of natural causes at his home with his wife Sheila at his side, Warner Bros. spokesman Gary Miereanu said.

With his longtime partner, Bill Hanna, Barbera first found success creating the highly successful Tom and Jerry cartoons. The antics of the battling cat and mouse went on to win seven Academy Awards, more than any other series with the same characters.

"From the Stone Age to the Space Age and from primetime to Saturday mornings, syndication and cable, the characters he created with his late partner, William Hanna, are not only animated superstars, but also a very beloved part of American pop culture. While he will be missed by his family and friends, Joe will live on through his work," Warner Bros. Chairman and CEO Barry Meyer said Monday.

Monday, December 18, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.18.06

Breaking News: 50 Cent to give up golf (junkiness)

Every NBA game should be like this (ibbb)

Beyonce’s father is delusional (yeeeah!)

Mel Gibson sticks up for Britney Spears - he’s drunk again (seriously? omg!)

Here’s a little something to replace the vision of Britney and Lohan’s twat that has been tattooed on your brain (agent bedhead)

Justin Guarini has a new look. But not really because he still looks gay (pop on the pop)

SANTA - STEADY MOBBIN'

You better start believing.....


BRITNEY SPEARS LOOKS LIKE SHIT

Some things defy my comprehension. Today, it’s my Christmas tree that won’t stay straight in the stand and Britney spears looking like a bag of smashed assholes.

You don’t believe me? Click here.

VINCENT GALLO LIVES IN LA LA LAND

You know that place where clouds are made of marshmallows and unicorns run in herds and fly over rainbows? No? It’s called La-La Land and Vincent Gallo lives there. D-listed reports:

A few months ago piece of grease, Vincent Gallo, offered himself for $50,000. He considered this a bargain, because he’s so hot. Well…he’s now upped his price even though nobody took advantage of this deal of a lifetime. He’s now offering himself for $100,000 plus expenses.

He said, “Heavy-set, older red-heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way, José.”

Vincent also advised women interested in this deal to watch his film “The Brown Bunny” where he shows his wang to make sure they can take his girth. In the movie Vincent famously gets serviced by Chloe Sevigny. Dumb ho even swallows his load like the used trash can she is. Click here to see Vincent’s amazing man meat. It’s as appetizing as a rotted Vienna sausage.
Nice analogy. I looked at the pictures and I’m not impressed. But anyone who is that cocky (no pun intended, well, yea it was) would turn me off anyway, I wouldn’t care what they’re packing. Not only that - take it from me., the ones who brag about how good they are, never ever are. Those are the very guys who get offended when you say afterwards, "Yea...that was the greatest minute and thirty seconds ever..."

Friday, December 15, 2006

MARTHA STEWART HAS A SEX TOY NAMED THUMPER


Yesterday, Martha Stewart went mano-a-mano with shock jock, Howard Stern. And it was a good thing.

So it’s official. Martha Stewart is a badass. Earlier this morning, the Queen of Domesticity was interviewed by King of Shock Jocks Howard Stern on his satellite radio show to commemorate their one-year anniversary at Sirius. For a woman who has her own line of linens and a guy who could own a porn empire, one would have surely expected a conversation between the two to be, um, a recipe for disaster. But Stewart was game. Yes, there were some mildly awkward moments -- no matter what, we do not, I repeat, we do not want to hear about Thumper, Lady Martha’s sex toy -- but it’s a rare and cool occurrence that a woman of her caliber could roll with Stern’s trademark punches without being offended or emotional, and at times, even give him a taste of his own medicine.

The best moments came when Stern asked questions that would make most people wriggle, Michael Richards-style, in their seats.

When Stewart mentioned that she’d like to go out on more dates, Stern said, “But I thought you wanted me.” She responded, “I did. But then I met you.”

As Stern was wrapping up, he advised that the next time Stewart is on the show she go commando. “Wait, are you wearing underwear today?,” he asked. Stewart, without missing a beat, said, “No… bye Howard.”

ANGELINA FEEDS CRICKETS TO HER SON

Angelina befuddles and bemuses me with both her beauty and her eccentricity. PR-inside reports:

The actress and her lover Brad Pitt decided to treat the five-year-old to a dish of crunchy crickets during a recent trip to Maddox’s native Cambodia.

She revealed: "I recently took Mad to Cambodia and it was the first trip there where he really understood it.

"We took him to a restaurant in the middle of the night and he had his first plate of crickets." The insects - which are rich in protein - are a traditional dish in the Southeast Asian country.
Okay, I can understand the cultural aspect of it. What I don’t understand is the whole “ “getting up in the middle of the night to go eat crickets” part. Any time my parents got me up in the middle of the night, we dyed my hair and changed my name because were going on an “adventure”. Did you know they call Mexico “God’s blind spot?”* It's true. They do.

*totally stolen from American Dad

NICK WRECKS JESSICA'S CHRISTMAS, HANNUKAH AND KWANZAA

Under the guise of Being a respectful and thoughtful man, Nick Lachey allegedly called Jessica himself to let her know he’s getting re-married. The National Ledger reports:

According to the weekly entertainment magazine Nick poured his heart out to his ex-wife about his new love and a source tells the magazine he confessed he was headed for the altar. "I'm getting married again, Jess and I wanted you to hear it from me," the magazine reports Lachey as telling Jessica during a 40-minute phone call.

According to the report he claimed that there is a good chance they will be married by the end of the year.

So - why did he call Jessica?

His brother Drew believed it would be a good idea, and Nick still cares for Jessica and didn't want to see her hurt, the article claims. The news came a shock to Simpson. "She knew Nick and Jessica were serious, but this threw her for a loop," a friend of Jessica's dished to the magazine.

"She did her best to contain her emotions."
Personally, I’m against containing emotions. Because somehow, no matter how often you try to take the high road, you end up acting out and being misunderstood. And then your labeled as “crazy” or “unstable” and then you have to go on “sabbatical”. And just because your car is on fire doesn’t mean I hate you. It personifies my burning and undying love for you. Grow up. It’s called symbolism.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

THE LOST SEINFELD EPISODE

If you are offended by the n-bomb, Seinfeld, and an amalgamation of Seinfeld episodes, do not click on the video below. If however, you are a Seinfeld fan and have been following recent events, you are going to love this. It is both hysterical and brilliant.

Thanks to Stallion for the “hot tip”.

CAMERON DIAZ THINKS HEP-C IS HOT

Yesterday, we read about how much she loves sex. But like a delicate, lesbian flower, Cameron Diaz opens up even further. Pr-inside reports:

'The Holiday' actress - who is romancing singer Justin Timberlake - admits she fell for Pammie as a teenager when she saw the buxom blonde clad in a skin-tight red swimsuit on 'Baywatch'.She told Gay magazine The Advocate: "I had a major girl-crush on Pamela Anderson. Still do - she's hot as ever - but she was my first. When I first discovered her I was like, 'Wow, she's so beautiful!'" Cameron, 34, also confessed her friends would not be surprised if she came out as a lesbian because she is so open about her appreciation of the female form.
I think it’s more like they wouldn’t be surprised if she came out as a lesbian because she’s dating Justin Timberlake. And I was going to make fun of her for liking Pam Anderson, but then then I saw a preview of Pam in January’s Playboy. And she is smoking hot. And I decided right there and then….I’ve gone lesbian for Photoshop. Do you hear me Adobe Photoshop? I love you! I LOVE YOU WITH THE RED HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS.

EVERYBODY LOVED PETER BOYLE

Peter Boyle, the actor who played the hilariously grouchy father on "Everybody Loves Raymond" as the final note of a distinguished career that also included a memorable role in Mel Brooks' "Young Frankenstein," has died. He was 71
.
Boyle died Tuesday evening at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He had been suffering from multiple myeloma and heart disease, said his publicist, Jennifer Plante.

The video below isn’t good quality, but shows Peter Boyle at his best.

Addendum to post: Here is Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein. It's YOUTUBE day!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.13.06

Was Sly Stallone the brain behind the “Richard Gere’s Gerbilgate”? (celebitchy)

Gray’s Anatomy Spoiler..click it…click it..you know you want to….(seriously omg)

Harriet Carter – Earth Angel (IBBB)

Cameron Diaz rides Justin Timberlake like a Harley on a bad stretch of road (yeeeah!)

GUESS what kind of implants Ashlee Simpson is getting? (agent bedhead)

Jude Law plans on destroying Christmas for his children (junkiness)

Katheryn McPhee is beautiful in her OK photoshoot (pop on the pop)

Santa saw you masturbating. Yes. He did. (the onion)

*image 'right clicked/saved as' from Celebitchy.

DEVITO WAS JUST KIDDING

As outrage grows over Rosie’s “ChingChong” joke, Danny DeVito has decided to remove himself from the debacle by saying his public drunkenness was nothing but a joke. TMZ reports:

Danny DeVito says his wacky appearance on "The View" was the result of being "groggy" after a wild night with George Clooney ... not because he was drunk.The funnyman appeared to be wasted during the chat show, which included a rant against President Bush -- much of which was bleeped out by censors. He also cursed the "seven limoncellos" he drank the previous night. In his first TV appearance since the incident, DeVito tried to clear up the situation last night on CNBC's "Conversations with Michael Eisner," telling the media mogul, "I was funny ... I was a little groggy ... I was joking, that was a joke." Ah, c'mon, that's a little Mickey Mouse.
Apparently Danny was drunk during that too because I have no idea why you would drag Mickey Mouse into it. Anyway…

I too, like to come into work and "pretend" I’m drunk. Oh, you should see their faces when I tell them I love them and ask them if they want to see my tattoo. Then, when I’ve been sent to Human Resources, I tell them it was all an elaborate ruse and I don’t need the 800 number to the “Employee Help Line” and that AA is for quitters. And that whole thing with the cops "escorting" me into the parking lot with the lights on, was just a joke. What...you didn't think that was funny? C'mon. That was pure comedy gold.

CHRISTMAS 2.0

Good Morning! 10 Zen Monkeys has a nice post called: Christmas 2.0: Subverting the Holidays With Re-dubbing, where you can witness our traditional Christmas favorites morph into new, timeless classics like Frosty the Raging Anarchist or A Charlie Brown Christmas – Alternate Ending. I thought it would be nice to be able to start you off with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – The Unrated Version. Enjoy watching this with your morning coffee (turn the sound down).

Wahoo-Doray, let the bastardization of Christmas begin!



Thanks to Junkiness for the tip.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

KIRSTIE ALLEY WANTS US TO STOP MAKING FUN OF SCIENTOLOGY

Oh yea? Give us a reason not to. Pr-inside reports:

Former CHEERS star KIRSTIE ALLEY has had enough of the criticism the Church of Scientology receives and wants the media to start poking fun at other religions.The actress, a fervent Scientologist, suggests it's unfair that her chosen religion is always wrapped up in controversy and it's members considered cultist nuts.She says, "Why is it OK that Scientology gets slammed? A bigot is a bigot is a bigot."You would never come out and say Catholics are weird or 'Jews are weird' that's nothing short of bigotry. And it should be defended by every other religion in this world, because they're next." "For me, Scientology is, 'Let me make some oars and get in the boat and paddle myself across...' That's how you get to the other side."
I'm thinking when the founder of your religion is also a science fiction author, and you've got Tom Cruise as your poster boy, and all your holidays suck , then your religion is going to have some credibility issues. Face it. Ther are far too many reasons to make fun of it and not enough reasons not to.

JENNIFER ANISTON HAS NO SELF ESTEEM

I’m thinking K-fed either has Kevorka or we are on the cusp of Armageddon and I’m waiting for K-Fed to open his shirt and show us the mark of the beast. Celebitchy reports:

After hanging out with former ‘Friends’ costars, Jen made for Club Citrus with some gal pals for some laughs and what became a few too many Limoncello’s. Jen was first introduced to the high-octane cocktail in Italy by the same guy that sent his pal Danny DeVito to be on “The View” while he was in a state of mild delirium.

And what other newly exed celeb happened to be in the same place, slamming a Colt 45 while wearing a too-large-for-his-frame velour sweatsuit? None other than FedEx and his posse, all of whom went nuts when they saw Jen. My sources tell me they spent the rest of the night in a private area, making fun of their exes.

When the lights of the club finally came on, the two were seen escaping into the shadows through a back door. Citrus owner Peter Chin, always tight-lipped about his mega-star clientele, would neither confirm nor deny the story, then gave me his signature ‘wink.’
Jennifer Anniston’s self-esteem is in the shitter big time. You figure you have no where to go but down once you were married to Brad Pitt, but taking up Britney Spears’ leftovers? Now that's a cry for help my friends.

But more importantly, I feel compelled to stick up for Limoncello. Its been getting a bad rap lately and starting to get blamed for things. That's like having an arsonist standing next to a burned down house and then blaming it on the fire. I know Limoncello, and we've had nothing but good times together. I think.

LINDSAY'S COOCH IMMORTALIZED IN SONG

There is a band called “Spank Rock” doing a song called "Lindsay's Revenge" comparing Lindsay’s cooch to a baby rat. I did a Google search looking for a bald, disfigured red rat to personify said cooch, but there wasn't anything, so behold the closest thing I could come up with. Abby’s description of “hollowed out ballsac” rhymes with rat but they didn’t use it. Should have though.

Click here to listen.

A shout out to the uber-spankable Teresa Marie for the tip.

Monday, December 11, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.11.06


Unseen Marilyn Monroe Pictures (dailymail)

A fascinating read about the life of a city squirrel (yahoo)

Paris and Nicky get a little incestuous (news of the world)

Get your ‘insiders’ update here (crazy days and nights)

John Stamos to play a gay wedding planner (agent bedhead)

Courtney love thinks she might have gotten another STD (junkiness)

Eva Longoria shoves her ring in our collective faces (seriously? omg!)

Gwen Stephani does TRL (yeeah!)

BUSTED! NICOLE RICHIE ARRESTED FOR DUI

Same story...different "celebrity". Nicole Richie got popped this morning for driving under the influence. TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned that Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI early Monday morning. She was booked at 4:50 AM today and was released around 7:15 this morning. The booking sheet reveals Richie is 5'1" and 85 lbs.We're told two motorists spotted her SUV going the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank. The drivers called 911.When the CHP responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cellphone.Law enforcement officers tell TMZ Nicole Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot. A preliminary alcohol screening device revealed that Nicole was not under the influence of alcohol.
I could come up with something catty or snarky but I'm not going to because frankly, I've used up all my "dumbfuck" jokes on Britney, Paris and Lindsay. I'm spent. Give it 30 minutes and a story will be out: "Concerned Lionel Whisks Nicole to Rehab". And unless Lionel is sporting a massive 'fro, breaks into a rousing rendition of "Brick House"AND drops the N-bomb, I'm ignoring it.

ROSIE O'DONNELL IS A HYPOCRITE

I find it curious that someone who is constantly voicing her “view” and acting as the pundit of all that is “politically correct” is now telling Asians to “get over it”. TMZ reports:

She may not have used the N-word, but that doesn't mean Rosie O'Donnell is in the clear when it comes to race relations. According to Page 6, Asian-Americans are fuming at "The View" host for saying that Danny DeVito's drunken antics made headlines in China that read: 'Ching chong, ching ching chong, Danny DeVito!""The use of the distorted phrases is insulting to the Chinese and Chinese-Americans, and gives the impression that they are a group that is substandard to English-speaking people," says the Asian-American Journalists Association. But Rosie's rep thinks they just don't get it: "I certainly hope that one day they will be able to grasp her humor."
You know what? I wouldn’t be disgusted with it if she didn’t get on her high horse when someone says something she doesn’t like. Her latest bullshit was calling out Kelly Ripa who didn’t like having her mouth covered by Clay Aiken. Rosie decided it was gay bashing even though that comment could be made to anyone who would put their hands over your mouth without permission. Now Rosie makes a comment like this and tells the offended to get over it? Get over YOURSELF, bitch. Your opinion is just that...an opinion. You are not the benchmark for political correctness. And a little humilty wouldn't kill you.

Witness her stupidity for yourself:


TORI SPELLING'S YARD SALE A SUCCESS

Oh thank God....the yardsale was a success. I was worried she might have to attempt a comeback. And now..we all know where she lives.

Click here to enter the yard sale Portal...

THE PIT OF DESPAIR


Step right up! Step right up! Behold the cavernous “Pit of Despair”. Don't mind the smell tuna and bengay!! Only the brave can cast their eyes upon such a monstrosity....

Enter only if you dare...

TRUTHINESS NOW JOINS THE LEXICOGRAPHICAL PANTHEON

The 2006 Word of the Year is: Truthiness. Yahoo reports:

After 12 months of naked partisanship on Capitol Hill, on cable TV and in the blogosphere, the word of the year for 2006 is ... "truthiness."

The word — if one can call it that — best summed up 2006, according to an online survey by dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster.

"Truthiness" was credited to Comedy Central satirist Stephen Colbert, who defined it as "truth that comes from the gut, not books."

"We're at a point where what constitutes truth is a question on a lot of people's minds, and truth has become up for grabs," said Merriam-Webster president John Morse. "`Truthiness' is a playful way for us to think about a very important issue."

Other Top 10 finishers included "war," "insurgent," "sectarian" and "corruption." But "truthiness" won 5-to-1, Morse said.

Colbert, who once derided the folks at Springfield-based Merriam-Webster as the "word police" and a bunch of "wordinistas," was pleased.

"Though I'm no fan of reference books and their fact-based agendas, I am a fan of anyone who chooses to honor me," he said in an e-mail to The Associated Press.

"And what an honor," he said. "Truthiness now joins the lexicographical pantheon with words like `squash,' `merry,' `crumpet,' `the,' `xylophone,' `circuitous,' `others' and others."
Excellent. That's going to be my site disclaimer. Everything I write on Spank Cheeks is based on "truthiness." Shortest. Disclaimer. Ever.

Friday, December 08, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.08.06

Ever wonder what a children’s book about Pete Dougherty would be like? (agentbedhead)

David Hasselhoff has daughters and they’re getting a reality show (seriously? omg!)

Al Gore and Barak Obama keeping their distance from Lohan (tmz)

Madonna and husband Guy Richie argue loudly in public about what a controlling POS she is (celebitchy)

Cameron Diaz Does it Doggy Style (yeeeah!)

Because everyone flashes their cooter now-a-days, Paris embarks on next publicity stunt (pop on the pop)

Ahem. Indian men! Your plight is nearly over (junkiness)

Lindsay Lohan’s cutting is confirmed. She’s giving off so many cries for help..and yet, no one will. Go figure. (cityrag)

BARNEY CHANNELS TUPAC

LADY IN RED

Jessica Simpson wasn't the only person embarrassed at the Kennedy Center event the other night. First Lady Laura Bush was one of four women who wore the same dress. CBS reports:

As CBS News correspondent Thalia Assurasreports, that's exactly what happened to first lady Laura Bush at Sunday's Kennedy Center Honors, always one of Washington's biggest nights for stars, and glamorous fashion. With guests in the spotlight at the exclusive White House receptions that go with the ceremony, the designer gowns are always scrutinized. And on Sunday, four women at the reception wore the exact same $8,500 Oscar de la Renta dress, Mrs. Bush among them.
Click here to see what some would call a fashion faux pas (personally, I'd file it under "clusterfuck").

THE SIMPSONS...

*start playing the theme song in your head*

Jessica’s mom is bullshit about her daughter messing up the 9-5 song in front of Dolly Parton and thinks Jessica should get out of the business if she’s not willing to put in the work. Of course, Papa Joe called it cute. I don’t think either one of them are going to have to fight Jessica’s career much longer. Stick a fork in it. It’s done.

Click here to read about her mother verbally spank her. And below, is what her mom is so mad about.


IF LEGS WERE BRAINS....

Heather Mills would be missing half of hers. The Daily mail reports:
Heather Mills has taken the extraordinary step of representing herself in court to reduce mounting legal bills in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney.

Ms Mills has dispensed with barristers charging as much as £15,000 a day in her latest legal action against McCartney.

The source said Ms Mills has retained the services of London law firm Mishcon de Reya in the main divorce battle over money and custody of three-year-old daughter Beatrice.

But in the ancillary action, she appeared as a litigant in person without professional help. The source said: "She is an intelligent woman and felt she was capable of handling this."
The "source" is smoking crack. If she was that intelligent, she would know she is one of the most hated women in the world right now and she needs all the help she can get. But she’s a lying whore and used to defending herself and she’s probably an expert in trying to get johns to pay her by now. So it’s really just same old same old.

I'm going to putll that oldie but goodie out of the closet again and just say it….that bitch doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Ha! That never gets old.

GET YOUR WANNABE ON

You ever see something you like but you can't have it? Besides your girlfriend's husband? Well, have I got a website for you. Have you ever seen something on these celebrity blogs that you would love to have? For me, it's Jessica Simpson's shoes and purse in this post.

So, check it out. You can go to this website and do a visual search on any of the celebrities they have featured. Jessica Biel's shoes? Yup. Beyonce's earrings? Got you covered, beeatch. Brad Pitt's watch? Yup, that too. Just in time for Christmas.

Click here.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

49th ANNUAL GRAMMY NOMINEES ANNOUNCED

Just like the title says, the 49TH Annual Grammy Nominees were announced today, for recordings released during the Eligibility YearOctober 1, 2005 through September 30, 2006. Grammy.com says:

Mary J. Blige tops the nominations with eight, while Red Hot Chili Peppers garner six, James Blunt, the Dixie Chicks, John Mayer, Danger Mouse, Prince, Rick Rubin, will.i.am and John Williams each earn five nods. Beyoncé, Bryan-Michael Cox, Gnarls Barkley, Israel Houghton, T.I and Justin Timberlake receive four each.
Somebody get Kanye's binky and his woobie. STAT!!

Click here to read a list of all the nominations.

FRECKLED TRAINWRECK THAT IS LOHAN

Back in the day, drinking and dialing used to be the thing you wanted to avoid. In this new age of technology, it’s drinking and and typing. Page Six Reports:

LINDSAY Lohan is preparing to clean up her image and go to war with the media with the help of a high-powered friend - former Vice President Al Gore.

"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me," Lohan wrote last week in a rambling, semi-literate e-mail to her friends and lawyers.

In the bizarre message read by Page Six, Lohan burbled, "If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."
Would be willing to what, exactly? You’ve got to read the rest of it. You need to read about the “Way of the Future….”

Invoking what she puzzlingly calls the "way of the future-Howard Hughes," her desire is to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press."

Lohan says she wants to state her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."
You know what I'd like to see? I’d really like to see her shut the fuck up next. Maybe she will. If I ask. If I just ASK. But I’m a fucking hypocrite. This morning I had an email from Ebay saying that I’m the “high bidder” on an item and don't remember bidding on anything. Now I’m committed to buying this. Moral of the story? Don’t drink and type and don’t drink and E-bay.

LINDSAY LOHAN IS A SPITTER

The bloated and bemused Lindsay Lohan was at a party recently and grossed people out. The National Enquirer reports:

Talk about a shocking breach of decency and sanitation…Mean Grrl LINDSAY LOHAN grossed eyewitnesses at a Hollywood industry bash when she snaked out a paw as a waiter passed by with hors d’oeuvres, popped one in her mouth, then shrieked, “This tastes like s***” – and spit it back onto the tray! As eyes rolled, Ms. Train Wreck snagged a napkin and daintily patted her pie-hole as the horrified waiter tossed his napkin over her disgusting spit-out, stalked straight to the kitchen and dumped the contaminated tray! (Dude, you shoulda sold it on eBay!)
I know, The National Enquirer. But like I heard this guy tell his wife in line at the grocery store the other day, “There has to be some truth behind what they print or they’d be getting sued ALL the time”. And I thought yea, that’s true. That’s why my court appointed attorney told me I can’t sue Han Dynasty when I get random phone calls at closing time looking for a “good time”. I am a good time and it happens to say so in the men’s room over the 3rd urinal. Now, if they said “for a bad time call”, I’d have a case. And I’d be drinking mai-tais right now and be knee deep in crab rangoons. But I'm not. And this is why I have to work for a living.

OPINIONS FROM THE BRAINTRUST

Here’s something to make your head spin. I thought it was the hangover but I’m pretty sure it was reading this article. Courtney Love and Janice Dickinson have decided we need to know what they think about Britney Spears’ parenting skills. Pot! Kettle! Black! Oh and can I just tell you.…I’m in front of the liquor store but Loretta from the shelter was here before me. Can you imagine being that desperate to be here at 7:30 a.m.? Why not wait until a civilized hour like…8:00 am? God. That’s why this town is going to the dogs.

Click here to read about Courtney and Janice’s take on Britney’s parenting skills.

PEREZ HILTON ON HOWARD STERN

I know a lot of you hate him. I don’t hate him. He makes me laugh with his sophmoric and mean retort. It satisfies the mean girl in me, what can I tell you. But love him or hate him, Perez Hilton is taking it up the ass for the rest of us bloggers at the moment, even if it is by his own doing. A lot of bloggers give him shit for not paying for the pictures he uses on his site, but how many of us do? How many of us can, is the real question. It's very expensive to buy the rights to imagry. And although he does get over 4 million hits a day and he can afford it, this whole case is going to bring to light the very fact that there are thousands of bloggers who borrow imagry and the outcome could potentially impact the rest of us.

So depending on the outcome of his trial, “right click, save as” will be a thing of the past and then we’ll have to depend on solely our writing skills. And that scares me because I don’t have skills. Well, I do….says so over the 3rd urinal but it has nothing to with writing -- you know what I’m saying.

Anyway, Perez was on Howard Stern yesterday…and it was a good interview. Click here for the lowdown.

Sidebar: Britney Spears thanks God for Victoria's Secret.

BRITNEY SPEARS NOT BEING INVESTIGATED

There was rumorage yesterday about Social Services coming to investigate Britney because she’s been out partying. But I guess it’s a bunch of shit. TMZ reports:

Reports are circulating that the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services has paid a visit to Britney Spears because of her recent hard partying. I'm told that is simply not the case.Reliable sources in the world of Britney tell me DCFS never questioned the panty-challenged singer about her late-night clubbing. I'm getting a sense that the agency may have questioned Spears in the recent past as a follow-up to the seat belt incident earlier this year. Of course, Brit aficionados remember that DCFS went to her Malibu home after learning that Sean Preston was a passenger in the car she was driving and he was not strapped in. No action was taken in that case.
Well, that’s a load off of my mind. Because I don’t want kids to get in the way of my hard partying lifestyle, and rumor has it I have some kids I don’t know about. And that’s tricky when you’re a lady. And I really don’t need anyone trying to cramp my style when I'm "clubbing" at the methadone clinic or when I’m vying for first in line at the liquor store in the morning. Which reminds me...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

NO BELL CAN SAVE YOU FROM THIS

I interrupt my current Merlot imbibement to bring you something you will curse me and dare I say…hate me for. But I feel it’s my obligation to mentally accost you and leave you unable to sleep. At least give me credit for not leaving it for morning, while you are eating breakfast or at work. Unless you are the Night Security Guy, in which case it doesn’t matter because you are sitting there with your pants off already. I know about you people.

I give to you, in it’s full and complete entirety, the Screech “Dirty Sanchez” video.

And I’ll have you know watching this had the reverse effect that regular porn has. Dried right up like the Sahara.

I don’t think there is enough Merlot left in the box to make me okay with any of this.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.06.06

I'm really sorry about this but today I've got to ask you to Spank It Yourself. All day.

Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn are all done. Oo, Shocker. (I’m not obsessed)

Jenny McCarthy has no plans on getting married to Jim Carrey (popsugar)

Andy Dick drops the N-bomb. He must have a black power hair pick too (defamer)

Carmen Electra is giving us tits for Christmas!!! Woot! (hollywood tuna)

J-Lo doesn’t spend much time thinking about “those girls” (a socialite’s life)

Beyonce dishes out an array of backhanded compliments towards Jennifer Hudson (tmz)

Lane Garrison used to live with Jessica Simpson and Papa Joe (evil beet)

Lance Bass has either moved on or hired an escort (page six)

Tori Spelling is having a yard sale..ha ha ha ha ha (perezhilton)

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.05.06

Fergie performs drunk at the Billboard Awards (celebitchy)

Reading about Jessica Simpson’s fuck up of 9-5 was better than watching it (mollygood)

Don’t H8 – Ebay Auctions for PS3s (don’t be a h8r)

Please don’t break my big gay heart (the evil beet)

Guide to celebrity apologies (cityrag)

Scarlett Johannson loves her ta-tas (pop on the pop)

Read about an A-list 60+actor who starts drinking in the morning and can’t get a woman to sleep with him more than once (crazy days and nights)

Dreamgirls premiers in New York (popsugar)