SPANK CHEEKS

Thursday, December 07, 2006

FRECKLED TRAINWRECK THAT IS LOHAN

Back in the day, drinking and dialing used to be the thing you wanted to avoid. In this new age of technology, it’s drinking and and typing. Page Six Reports:

LINDSAY Lohan is preparing to clean up her image and go to war with the media with the help of a high-powered friend - former Vice President Al Gore.

"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me," Lohan wrote last week in a rambling, semi-literate e-mail to her friends and lawyers.

In the bizarre message read by Page Six, Lohan burbled, "If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."
Would be willing to what, exactly? You’ve got to read the rest of it. You need to read about the “Way of the Future….”

Invoking what she puzzlingly calls the "way of the future-Howard Hughes," her desire is to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press."

Lohan says she wants to state her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."
You know what I'd like to see? I’d really like to see her shut the fuck up next. Maybe she will. If I ask. If I just ASK. But I’m a fucking hypocrite. This morning I had an email from Ebay saying that I’m the “high bidder” on an item and don't remember bidding on anything. Now I’m committed to buying this. Moral of the story? Don’t drink and type and don’t drink and E-bay.

14 Comments:

Blogger litelysalted said...

Between drunk ebaying and drunk myspacing, I can't even begin to tell you which has wreaked more havok in my life.

12:29 PM  
Blogger litelysalted said...

Holy shit Zanna... That's not really you, is it?!

I looked at the high bidder's feedback, and it appears to be a huge fat man who wears nothing but Hawaiian shirts.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Zanna said...

Yes, I really am a huge fat man. And Hawaii is my favorite!

12:42 PM  
Blogger litelysalted said...

Is it creepy that I looked? I'm really just really, really really bored today.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Dragulf said...

ROFLMAO! Good one Z!

1:01 PM  
Blogger Zanna said...

No, I put the link there just for people like you!!!!

Hi Dragulf! :)

1:39 PM  
Blogger oshkoshb-goshdammgosh said...

Did you know that Lindsay Lohan invented the internet?

2:36 PM  
Blogger Zanna said...

No way..REALLY?

2:38 PM  
Blogger oshkoshb-goshdammgosh said...

Yes, and Al Gore invented Global Warming. I read all of this in the Wall Street Journal. While riding in the backseat of my Rolls Royce on the way to work with some other geniuses on our way to the genius factory.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Zanna said...

You're the funniest bitch I know.

4:11 PM  
Blogger Walrus Gumboot said...

Former Vice President Al Gore and I couldn't give TWO SHITS about Lindsay Lohan!

4:16 PM  
Blogger oshkoshb-goshdammgosh said...

Thanks. It's a defense mechanism I developed over years of being a social outcast and subject of ridicule and bullying from kindergarten through the 12th grade. Now that it's honed to a fine point I don't need it anymore because now I'm hot and popular. Go figure.

4:22 PM  
Anonymous bionic bunny! said...

no, no, it's all true!
i know because last month gerald ford came up to me and said he'd be very happy to play golf with me! and he'd help me with learning to get the round white thing that you hit with this kind of crooked stick. and i thought, "well, let's find out".

then i woke up and the doctor said the surgery went fine.

anybody else think maybe the "herbie" soundstage wasn't properly ventilated?

*sigh* a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Zanna said...

You two are cracking me up today!!

5:22 PM  

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