SPANK CHEEKS

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

2007 OSCAR NOMINEES REVEALED


Know how everyone has been raving about Jennifer Hudson's rendition of And I am telling you, I'm not going...

Well, she's right, she's NOT going! Dreamgirls was completely shut out. So the Oscar race is as wide open as Paris Hilton's twat.

Read the nominees here

_____Update: Dreamgirls was shut out for Best Picture....that's what I meant to say....

ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS SCARED SHITLESS

I'm going to bring up an theory that may be uncomfortable for some. TMZ Reports:

As tomorrow's deadline looms for the DNA test to establish the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, TMZ has learned Smith's lawyers are furiously working to halt the test.Sources tell TMZ that Smith's lawyers are now arguing that the order requiring the test was never brought before a Bahamian judge. A Los Angeles Superior Court judge ordered the test, but Smith's lawyers now say it's not binding until a Bahamian judge gives it a stamp of approval.

Sources also tell TMZ that Anna Nicole's lawyers are trying to block the test on grounds that the United States DNA lab hired by Larry Birkhead, the man claiming to be the father of little Dannielynn, cannot legally administer the test because its technicians don't have work permits for the Bahamas.Despite her public statements that she has nothing to hide, Ms. Smith is going to great lengths to block the DNA test.
Does any one else thing something is very very strange about her blocking this DNA test? She’s such a money grubbing whore that you’d think she would let the DNA test prove who the father is so she can soak him for all he’s worth, right? So it leads me to believe there is something she doesn’t want us to know. And I read a theory once that her son Danny could have been the father and I said to myself, “no, not even Anna would be so disgusting”…but now I’m not so sure. How many pictures have you seen of Anna all over her son? Yea, it’s not a pleasant thought but why else would you go to these lengths to block a DNA test? Because like I said, proving the father just means more $$ for her…and you know she’d be all over that like a bucket of KFC.

STRIPPERS CHANGED BRAD PITT'S LIFE




People reports:

On Brad Pitt's road to Hollywood, it helped to have strippers in the passenger seat. Talking about one of his first jobs at Newsweek's annual Oscar roundtable Saturday in Hollywood, Pitt said, "My job was to drive them to bachelor parties and things. I'd pick them up, and at the gig I'd collect the money, play the bad Prince tapes and catch the girls' clothes. It was not a wholesome atmosphere, and it got very depressing."

But it was not without its perks: Just before quitting, Pitt made a critical show business contact. "This girl – I'd never met her before – was in an acting class taught by a man named Roy London," a famous acting coach, he said, according to excerpts in this week's Newsweek. "I went and checked it out, and it really set me on the path to where I am now."

He added: "Strippers changed my life."
It can get depressing? Well, I suppose things could take a turn for the worse when a client gives you a dollar and asks for change back. Or when the sweaty, fat bald man with stains on his wifebeater thinks you’ve got a “connection” or when someone’s wife shows up at the door when you’re in the middle of a lapdance and you he runs out and you have to make his wife give you the money while she calls you a whore and stares at your tits. I’m just guessing, though.

What? Don’t you judge me.

Friday, January 19, 2007

JOHN MAYER SHARES HIS THOUGHTS ON GRAY'S ANATOMY


As you may know, Isaiah Washington fucked up again the other night at the Golden Globes by using the word "faggot" in a press conference. But John Mayer has the perfect solution! John says:

ABC may fire Mr. Washington, and it seems as if the pressure to do so is mounting by the day. They may also choose to placate all parties involved with some well-constructed press releases and the soothing touch of time, but in my mind, neither outcome succeeds in making any strides in promoting the tenets of tolerance and understanding.

I would like to offer my suggestion for a solution; produce an episode of Grey's Anatomy in which Mr. Washington's character, Dr. Burke comes out to his friends and colleagues as a gay man!!! What better way for an actor to get to the roots of his discrimination than by portraying the very the subject of his own ire for the remainder of his contract? That'll learn ya!

This is awesome. Click here to see John's suggestion on how the scenes should play out.

RAQUEL WELCH IS STILL HOT

I don't care if this woman is in her 60's. She is stunning. Yahoo reports:

M-A-C Cosmetics, the leading brand of professional cosmetics and makeup artist brand of choice, has named Raquel Welch, award-winning actress and screen siren, its fourth M-A-C Beauty Icon. Ms. Welch, well-known for her own artistry skills, and M-A-C Cosmetics closely collaborated on a colour collection available at M-A-C locations worldwide, February 2007.

To celebrate the launch of the Raquel Welch Beauty Icon Collection -- On January 17th, 2007, M-A-C Cosmetics will host an intimate dinner honoring Raquel Welch as their newest Beauty Icon. The exclusive evening event, attended by many New York notables, at Gilt in The New York Palace Hotel celebrates the legendary, international sex symbol.
So that picture up there is Raquel from Wednesday Night's "intimate dinner". Picture courtesy of me, because I stole it myself from Perez Hilton. Which is okay. Because Perez is Cuban and my father is Cuban and I showed this picture to my dad last night and I said, "I hope I look as good as her when I'm her age." My father just laughed and said, "You'd be lucky if you looked that good now."

So, I had to steal that picture. It's called retribution.

BLIND ITEMS TO BE REVEALED TODAY

Our favorite entertainment lawyer from Crazy Days and Nights will reveal some blind items today. Here is a teaser...

Tuesday November 14, 2006 JACKASS - Male rock star..I want to say 5 number ones, but Google says 6..solo act...hotel elevator after a concert..groupies (Band-Aids to my buddy Cameron and to my friend Kate who always makes me smile) pressing items to be signed into the elevator...(1) a woman in her 70's is on the elevator and a hotel guest..(2)me.... (3) singer's manager..the woman in her 70's has no idea what is going on and would rather be anyplace else..(btw I have no idea what she was doing up so late) girls are screaming and trying to claw their way to the elevator..singer grabs his crotch and says, "yeah girls want some of that don't ya?" and then turns to the woman in her 70's and says "I bet you could use some too huh?"..By this time he has accumulated a handful of Sharpies and begins to throw them out the elevator and the girls go scrambling for them, falling down as they do so..The manager hits the close button on the elevator and the singer reaches over and pushed the door open button and says.."not so fast..I love to watch them crawl..right where they belong.."then he lets the elevator door close..
Guesses:Adam Levine, Billy Idol, Fred Durst, Meatloaf

I'm going to go with Fred Durst or Adam Levine. Ain't nobody falling over Billy Idol and the only meatloaf I'd fall over is my mamma's. Cuz that's some goooooood shit, I'll tell you what.

click here to read the rest....

Thursday, January 18, 2007

CLINT EASTWOOD IS DEAD


Not really but he’s dead to me. City Rag reports:

At the Golden Globe Awards Clint Eastwood showed some serious signs of plastic surgery. It looks like he's spent a fist full of dollars ironing-out his trademark squinty eyes and rough face that have filled the screen with a quiet steadfast passion for many decades. Bummer.
What. The. Fuck. I’m thoroughly disgusted. Look at those pictures. LOOK AT THEM. Now tell me, does the pansy on the left look like he’s going to say, “Do you feel lucky? Well..do ya punk?” No. He looks like he’s en route to his scrotum shearing appointment and in the mood for some “Lemon Lift” herbal tea. Fuck. I don’t even know what else to say. Dude...that there is Dirty Harry..what the fuck happened to Dirty Harry?

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.18.06

Even negative attention is attention..Lohan enters rehab (yeeeah!)Fergie works on her camel toe (ibbb)

Angelina Jolie’s reversal of fortune (agent bedhead)

Watch a very nervous T.R. Knight from Gray’s anatomy on yesterdays Ellen show (pop on the pop)

Posh flashes her crotch at Tom Cruise (seriously omg)

Sacha Baron Cohen kills off Borat (celebitchy)

Yes, Virginia, there is a Racist Clause (junkiness)

Is Britney “Fed-Up”? You decide. (celebrity mound)

Beyonce’s dad is pissed off….again (Idlyitw)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

FOX TV DEFENDS PAULA ABDUL

Pr-inside reports:

LATEST: Bosses at Fox have leaped to the defence of singer-turned-AMERICAN IDOL judge PAULA ABDUL, insisting her bizarre appearance on a Seattle morning news show was the result of technical difficulties.

Videos of the incident - showing Abdul mixing up her words and bizarrely gesticulating - surfaced on online file sharing site YouTube on Thursday (11JAN07), prompting speculation alcohol or medication were to blame.

However, the network maintains she acted soberly and professionally under extremely difficult studio circumstances.

In a statement bosses say, "All of us at Fox have tremendous respect and admiration for Paula Abdul. She is a consummate professional who always gives 100 per cent to everything she does.

"Last week, during a satellite press tour there were intermittent technical difficulties, including severe audio issues in which multiple stations were speaking to her at once.

"Rather than getting angry about these difficulties, or stopping the tour, Paula forged ahead and decided to have fun with the increasingly challenging situation. Unfortunately, because reporters and viewers were unaware of the situation, her humour was misconstrued."

Okay. You look at the video below and you tell me if you see a technical difficulty. Falling forward, bug-eyed, and slurring and laughing at your own jokes is not a technical difficulty. If it was, then my attorney wouldn't hae had to garnish my fucking paycheck to pay for all the "technical difficulties" I've had.

Monday, January 15, 2007

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.15.07

Being a Playboy Bunny isn't what it's cracked up to be....Hugh Heffner's cheerleading squad and fake erection (celebitchy)

Our Boston buddy's celebrity recap (IBBB)

Kate Moss is an exhibitionist (agentbedhead)

Stop or my mom will shoot up! (junkiness)

Britney Spears trys her hand at parenting (yeeeah!)

Tyra Banks has "pimples that are alive" (pop on the pop)

LESBIONIC CATFIGHT


Well, it seems that Angelina and Madonna share more than just a love for adopting third world oprhans. I was wondering why they started their verbal fisticuffs over adoption processes and motives. But now I think we can shed some light on that. The Daily Mail reports:

Little wonder Hollywood is lapping up this delicious catfight between two of the world's biggest female stars, especially as, if rumours are to be believed, it is lent added spice by something of a Sapphic frisson.

The Mail has learnt that a lipstick lesbian is writing a no-holds-barred book in which she will describe in graphic detail how she was a lover of the stunning actress and the singer at the same time.

Jenny Shimizu, a 39-year-old model, will allege that Madonna flew her around the world for secret liaisons before she married the film director Guy Ritchie. Their affair, she says, coincided with an equally passionate fling with the leggy Miss Jolie.

Well, I guess sometimes you eat at the five star restaurant known as The Angelina and then sometimes late at night, when no one is looking, you go dumpster diving in the snatch of a gap-toothed has-been. And for some reason I just got a mental image of a Hazmat uniform and the expression, "Cover me...I'm going in"

MARTIN LUTHER KING: I HAVE A DREAM

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO PLAY JENNA JAMESON?

I hope this movie goes direct to video because a “life story” of Jenna Jameson isn’t going to be worth watching unless it actually is a porn, and my days of getting off inside the movie theatre are over.

I lied. No, they’re not. PR Inside reports:

The stunning actress has been handpicked by adult movie legend Jenna as her personal choice for the lead in a film adaptation of her book, 'How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale'.

Jenna is currently in talks with producers and hopes filming will begin next year.

The X-rated actress told Britain's FHM magazine: "We're looking hopefully at Scarlett Johansson. She's my choice. I think she's beautiful." Scarlett has already vowed to strip off for the cameras if the right role comes along, saying last year: "I'm not opposed to doing nudity - it would just have to be the right project." There's certainly been plenty of nudity in Jenna's life - the racy star has appeared in around 100 porn films and is one of the highest paid adult actors in the world.

She may be ten years younger than 32-year-old Jenna, but sultry Scarlett, 22, already shares the porn queen's sex symbol status.

'The Black Dahlia' star, who is famed for her curvy figure, was voted Sexiest Woman Alive by readers of American men's magazine Esquire last year.

Both actresses also have trademark blonde hair and are renowned for their glamorous image.
Oh yes. A Cautionary Tale. I was going to make a “Jenna’s Tail” joke but I lost it when my mind wandered more toward anal bleaching, double penentration, and knowing how to position yourself for the money-shot. Then I thought about how Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy can blow himself. My ADD can really fuck up a post harder than John Holmes can fuck a….hey look! A butterfly…

Friday, January 12, 2007

DINA LOHAN IS FINGER FOOD

Page six is reporting:

WHILE Lindsay Lohan is off filming in Hollywood, her mom, Dina Lohan, is busy showing where Lindsay might have picked up her moves. Dina, spotted in a "really short dress and boots," made some fellow diners at Kobe Club lose their appetites Wednesday night. A guy sitting next to Dina was "all over her," we're told. "Dina had a napkin in her lap and hiked up her dress," our source says. "The guy put his hand under her napkin . . . It went on for like five minutes." After the guy realized he was being watched, he stopped whatever it was he was doing. A rep for Dina said, "That's a disgusting lie and it's completely untrue."
Yea, that’s what I say after I get caught in the men’s room of Han Dynasty after too many mai tais. Or in the car in the parking lot. Or behind the dumpster in the ally. Because that’s what classy broads do..it's called discretion. I don't care how many pictures there are of me on other people’s camera phones that say otherwise.

BRITNEY SPEARS IS A GIVER


Britney Spears is a humanitarian. US Magazine Reports

The new year has put Britney Spears in a charitable mood.

The 25-year-old pop star had just withdrawn a large amount of cash from an ATM on Wednesday, and was stopped at the L.A. intersection of La Cienega Boulevard and Third Street when a homeless man approached her vehicle.

“Britney rolled down the window and handed the guy $300,” says the source. “She said, ‘Good luck and happy new year!’ The guy almost had a heart attack.”

Adds the source, “Britney wants to do good — for herself and the world. That’s what she’s all about.”
Meanwhile…back in K-Fed’s world:

Britney Spears' estranged husband Kevin Federline is on such a tight budget since he broke up with the pop star, he tried to return some clothing she bought for him and collect the cash.

In late December, the former back-up dancer tried to return nearly $15,000 worth of pricey Libertine and Mastermind Japan clothes that Spears purchased for him.

According to In Touch magazine, Federline returned the items at exclusive Los Angeles store Maxfield, which included a jacket that cost $1,620.

The 28-year-old wanted a cash refund for the merchandise, which still had the original tags, but when the clerk refused, he settled on a store credit.

A source explains, "He was looking for pocket money. Now he's going to try to sell the credit."
Once you’ve bee giving this K-Fed your money for last few years, giving 300.00 to a homeless man is pretty much the same thing. And just like K-Fed that 300.00 was used on booze, drugs, a homeless prostitute and a few value meals from McDonalds.

PROMOTIONAL PICS: POTC AT WORLD'S END

From Ain’t it Cool:

These images pretty much speak for themselves. Disney is gearing up its publicity behemoth for PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END & I'm told these represent some permutation of theatrical display fodder (posters, banners, etc.)

PLEASE NOTE: there's a chance this work may not be final. If true, this is still an interesting glimpse into the prmotional development process.




Thursday, January 11, 2007

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.11.07

AMAZING celebrity look-alike photos (celebitchy)

Britney’s stylist says, “don’t blame me” (splash news)

It’s a bikini. It’s a burqa. It’s a birquini! (agent bedhead)

Tara Reid rides a dolphin into freedom (ibbb)

Simon Cowell’s interview in Playboy (pop on the pop)

Photographer Tanja Askani has a beautiful series of photos of a friendship that developed between a fawn and rabbit. The fawn's mother was killed and was being cared for, when a wild rabbit showed up and befriended the baby deer (city rag)

Watch Barbara Walters call Trump a “poor, pathetic man” (celebrity mound)

Paris Hilton already wrecked her new car (celebrity puke)

Jessica Alba snaps (egotistic)

Richard Gere empowers third world prostitutes (yeeeah!)

BLIND ITEM: GUESS THE ACTOR


From Crazy Days and Nights:

Anyway, so at lunch yesterday. Popular place, but nothing outrageous or pretentious about it. A few celebrities were there and this particular B actor(movie and television) was in a corner being friendly with his date. VERY friendly. The kind of friendly where you know that this is date 1 or 2. The kind of friendly where she did not bother to wear much on top or bottom. The kind of friendly where this was just the start of something that was going to continue long into the afternoon. They were definitely getting their groove on. I had no reason to suspect what was going to happen next because I did not know he was married. I just thought he was enjoying being someone. A waiter interrupted their groping/petting at one point to whisper something into the actor’s ear which was unintelligible. However, he stood up quickly and said "My wife?" He grabbed the girl, pulled her up from her chair and dragged her out the back door of the place in about 15 seconds. I really did not think someone could move that fast. At about the time the laughter died around us, a woman I did not recognize, but presumably is his wife came through the front door with two of her friends, and the entire place, en masse kind of shifted to look, looked, and then went back to what they were doing. Only in LA.

click here to keep reading....

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.10.07

Dead but not yet buried…James Brown (celebitchy)

The People’s Choice Awards gets graded (yeeeah!)

K-Fed’s #1 Fan loves him because there’s something “Baltimore and Sleazy” about him (agent bedhead)

Get your Harriet-Carter on! Harriet Carter 101 (ibbb)

As if his ego weren’t big enough, HBO gives Kanye West a reality show (seriously omg)

Simon Cowell attacks Bob Dylan 40 years too late (evil beet)

BE ADEQUITE


Rehydrate. Rehabilitate. Intoxicate. Introducing Adequite, the world’s first single-grain triple-distilled luxury vodka available in a discreet plastic container that resembles an innocent - yet stylish - water bottle. Specially developed by troubled alcohol enthusiast and occasional movie actress Lindsay Lohan, Adequite is the solution to the problem you’re not ready to admit you have.

THE THREESOME FROM HELL

Rosie O’Donnel is such a hard-core lesbian that she gave herself the kiss of death. Page Six Reports:
The tension between "The View" creator Barbara Walters and co-host Rosie O'Donnell, sparked by O'Donnell's feud with Donald Trump, boiled over yesterday morning when the portly comic called Walters "a [bleeping] liar."

The fight started around 8:30 a.m. when Walters, back from a two-week vacation, walked into the hair and makeup room at ABC studios and tried to hug O'Donnell, whom she hired onto the popular show.According to spies, O'Donnell recoiled from Walters' touch and yelled, "You kept me in the newspapers this whole time!"

Both "View" producer Bill Geddie and Walters tried to calm O'Donnell. Walters told her, "I did everything I could to squash the story" - prompting Rosie to scream, "You didn't call me for 10 goddamn days, and you didn't tell me what you were going to say on television!"

During her vacation, Walters issued a carefully worded statement saying, "I'm sorry there is friction between Donald and Rosie. That said, I do not regret for one moment my choice to hire Rosie O'Donnell as the moderator of 'The View.' "

After O'Donnell's outburst at Walters yesterday, Geddie jumped in and told her, "You've crossed the line." O'Donnell retorted, "Cameras are now outside of my house where my wife and kids are." She turned to Walters and said, "You went all around this and never called [Trump] a liar. You never said, 'Donald is lying.' You never called him a liar."

When Walters tried to defend herself, O'Donnell erupted, "Are you looking me in the face and denying you didn't tell him you didn't say this? You're a [bleeping] liar."
And it gets better. Once Trump heard of the outburst, he sat his ass down and wrote Rosie a letter. ETonline reports:


"Dear Rosie,I hope you had a wonderful vacation with your wife -- you needed the rest.An article in today's New York Post indicates that you blew up at BARBARA WALTERS for being a 'liar.' Actually, I don't blame you, but in fact she lied to both of us! After your maniacal and foolish rant against me two weeks ago, Barbara called me from her vacation (I did not call her) in order to apologize for your behavior. She had heard that I was going to retaliate against you and tried to talk me out of it. She very much wanted me to go on the show as soon as she got back so that she could 'patch things up' (I said no). To be exact, she said that 'working with her is like living in hell' and, more pointedly, 'Donald, never get into the mud with pigs' and, 'don't worry, she won't be here for long.' Barbara knows exactly what she told me over the phone and she has to live with it. Perhaps that's why her initial statement was so mild!

In another incident, when I saw her eating at Le Cirque about two months ago and asked how 'Rosie was doing,' she sarcastically rolled her eyes and said 'Donald, do you have to ruin my meal.'In any event, you have a good reason to be angry. Please give my warmest regards to Kelly!

Sincerely,Donald J. Trump

I’d like to call this whole debacle sophomoric, but I think sophomoric lends itself to a maturity that doesn’t exist between these three. This is more like a fight in a schoolyard sandbox. Rosie, peed on Barbara’s sandcastle, and Donald is kicking sand in both their eyes. And I’m the sly chic by the swingset taking bets before Sister Hiltruda comes out. 10-1 Rosie gets kicked out of school in the next 3 months.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS JELLY

Slap some lipstick on that pig and let’s go! Click here

Monday, January 08, 2007

ESTRADA? ESTEVEZ? SAME THING.....

Oh, this one made me laugh out loud. PR-indside reports:

Former CHiPs star ERIK ESTRADA has been told to calm down by a Police Chief after he launched into a foul mouthed tiade at a man on new US reality show ARMED & FAMOUS.The 57-year-old actor was reprimanded by Police Chief JOE WINKLE on the show, which follows five celebrities as they train to become reserve police officers in Muncie, Indiana.

Estrada got involved in a dispute with 53 year old RANDALL SIMS - who had been stabbed in the leg during a domestic dispute - after Sims continued mistake Estrada for Hollywood actor EMILIO ESTEVEZ. The pair then traded insults at each other.

Police Chief Winkle confirmed he’d discussed the confrontation with Estrada, saying, "We talked about it with him, the fact that that’s something we encounter all the time, that you have to get a little thicker skin."With any new officer we would tell them, ‘Hey, that’s not how we conduct ourselves, don’t get caught up in the moment, we’re the ones who are professionals.’ That’s what we did with Erik and I think he truly understood that."
Actually, what Erik understood was this was one of his last career gigs and he better pull his shit together PRONTO before that last paycheck comes in. Not to mention, you've got bigger problems than that. Look around you. You are on a reality show with Jack Osbourne, the midget from Jackass and LaToya Jackson. LaToya Jackson....with a gun. Compared to that, someone calling you Emelio Estevez is a compliment. Then again, maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's enigmatic, really.

JAMES BROWN SPANKS HIS HYNIE

James Brown wants a DNA test done on the son he had with Tomi Rae Hynie. The Sydney Morning Herald Reports:

Soul legend James Brown instructed lawyers before he died to carry out DNA tests to show if he was the father of his wife's son.

His family lawyer said the singer never wanted five-year-old James Joseph Brown II tested when he was alive, but wanted it done for the family's sake once he was gone.

The boy is the son of Tomi Rae Hynie, 36, who said that, following the singer's death, she was locked out of his South Carolina home after another lawyer alleged they had not been legally married.

Ms Hynie insists they were and she has proof, and that Brown was her son's father. The lawyer said: "James Brown intentionally did not do any DNA testing of that child during his life. And there was a reason for it."

Ms Hynie said the boy was "absolutely without a doubt" Brown's son and she would welcome a test.
And just to make sure you truly understand how bat-shit crazy his wife was, watch the video. No offense to the dead but damn...if I was a guy I wouldn't have gotten my penis anywhere NEAR this chic, let alone in her.

THE TRUTH HURTS (AT LEAST IT HURTING ME)

Oh God. It’s true. I didn’t want it to be true…but it is.

Why is her mouth always open? Why is his head so big? I think she has jaundice. I know it’s just bad tanning spray but let’s start a rumor. Why not. She has Hep-C. What the fuck am I talking about? Click here.

BURT BACHARACH'S DAUGHTER COMMITS SUICIDE

So sad. Yahoo News reports:

Nikki Bacharach, 40, suffered from Asperger's Disorder, a form of autism. She killed herself Thursday night at her condo, said Linda Dozoretz, a spokeswoman for the family.

"She quietly and peacefully committed suicide to escape the ravages to her brain brought on by Asperger's," the statement said.

Nikki Bacharach died of suffocation using a plastic bag and helium, said Mike Feiler of the Ventura County coroner's office.

Born prematurely in 1966, Lea Nikki Bacharach studied geology at Cal Lutheran University, but could not pursue a career in the field because of poor eyesight.

"She loved kitties, and earthquakes, glacial calving, meteor showers, science, blue skies and sunsets, and Tahiti," the statement said.

Nikki Bacharach was the only child of Burt Bacharach, 77, and Angie Dickinson, 75, who were married from 1965 to 1981.

It was the second marriage for both Bacharach, the Oscar-winning composer of "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," and "What the World Needs Now is Love," and Dickinson, star of the film "Dress to Kill" and the TV show "Police Woman."

Her RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD hitmaker father documented her obsessive routines and extreme sensitivity to sounds, smells and tastes in his 1971 song NIKKI.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

RENEE ZELLWEGER HAS ISSUES

Renee Zellweger chooses to live like a homeless vagrant. PR-inside reports:

RENEE ZELLWEGER is so concerned about security she refuses to live at any of the luxury homes she owns.

The BRIDGET JONES actress admits past experiences with stalkers have left her mentally scarred, and she is unable to settle down in any one place for fear another crazed fan may threaten her.She says, "I have places to live but I don't live there because I don't have time to get there and because I've had people show up at these houses so it's not a friendly place for a girl who is single without a dog to live. So I don't tend to go there.

"It's scary if there is a car idling outside your house on your 40 acres in the middle of the woods at four in the morning. And as a girl your instincts are to be scared of this and what am I going to do? And that doesn't make for a very good night's sleep."Your instincts kick in and your adrenalin rushes, and you realise you can't live there. It's sad, but that's how it works. It's no big deal. It's just a job hazard. "I don't want to own a gun, but sometimes at four in the morning when there is a car outside, you do think about it."
Those aren’t instincts dipshit, it’s your fucking phobias. The last time I heard an excuse this lame was when I came out of Store 24 and some lady asked me for spare change because she left her Prada bag in her Mercedes and that she brings her own shopping cart because you can't trust the ones at the store and she always gets the one with the fucked up wheel. Then, you look down and she’s got a Mercedes emblem duct-taped to the front of the shopping cart and you realize..that is the Mercedes, and that Prada bag is a lovely shade of "paper bag brown" with a half empty bottle of Thunderbird in it.

KID ROCK IS IN THE AMALGAMATION STAGE

Kid Rock has proved my theory that there are not 5 but 6 stages of grief. Page Six reports:
KID Rock wanted to ring in the New Year with a fist to Tommy Lee's face - but he beat up a door at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, instead. "Kid is divorcing Pam Anderson, but he heard [her ex] Tommy was hooking up with her, and got all riled up," our source said. "So he went over at 6 a.m. with two bodyguards, and began kicking down what he thought was Tommy's door. Only it wasn't - and Kid found himself staring at some poor, startled family. He signed an autograph for them as security arrived, then bolted over to the Paradise strip club." Bloodshed was avoided, but Lee - in Vegas to play The Joint with his band, Rock Star Supernova - should watch his back. "Tommy has been calling Kid Rock and taunting him about Pam, and Kid Rock was ready to kick some serious ass," a source said. Lee's rep told us, "Tommy is aware that this incident occurred, but wasn't at the time as he was staying on another floor." Rock's flack didn't get back to us.
They say there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I’ve watched the stages of grief and I’ve been through the stages of grief. And I personally feel there is a stage missing called the “amalgamation stage” where you experience any combination of two to five stages simultaneously. What we are looking at is Kid Rock in the amalgamation stage. You see, he was angry about the Tommy Lee thing (and frankly, I don’t know if he’s just mad at Tommy for having a bigger dick than him because why is he fighting over THIS?), but I digress.

Anyway, he’s angry…then he goes up to Tommy’s room to “bargain” - because in his mind, if you threaten someone hard enough, you’ll get your way. If that works, you can keep the denial stage alive and hope upon hopes that you’ll get your bag of Hep-C back. After meeting the other family however, I believe we went back into “bargaining” (please don’t call the cops here is my autograph) to depression (no one is ever going to love me….PAAAAAAAAM).and then to Acceptance (fuck it, let’s go to the strip club)

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

SPANK IT YOURSELF 01.03.07

Styles P gets hit by truck – throws napkins. (yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie is the Virgin Mary of Wal*Mart (celebitchy)

Pick up the phone bitch! Malawai is on line 1 (pop on the pop)

Harriet Carter – New Year…new crap (ibbb)

Mario Lopez will decide if you are hot or not (seriously, omg)

How do you make Paris’ wonky eye wonkier? (faded youth)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

SPANK IT YOURSELF 01.02.07

Penelope Cruz wants Salma-nella. (agent bedhead) which is a nice segue to:

People in Scottsdale, Arizona are against eating vagina (junkiness)

Someone’s had 1.5 million dollars to piss away…on George Michael. I hope whoever it was got at least a blowjob (seriously, omg)

Nicole Richie is Good Charlotte’s Yoko Ono (celebitchy)

Justin and Cameron downgraded to fuckbuddies? (pop on the pop)

Can you guess the actress our favorite Hollywood Lawyer is dishing about? (crazy days and nights)

Check out some sweet celebrity limousines…(celebs and movie physics)

It’s not New Years without tongue and f-bombs (yeeeah!)

PETE AND KATE ARE PRETEND MARRIED

Its being reported that Pete Doherty and Kate Moss played make-believe over the weekend.

The couple jetted out to the paradise island of Phuket to see in the New Year and exchanged vows during an intimate ceremony held at the exclusive Amanpuri Hotel at 1.30pm local time yesterday.The ceremony was conducted by a Thai priest and is not thought to be legally binding in the UK.

Kate's friend told the Daily Mirror newspaper: "This was not likely to be a formal wedding because Kate would have wanted all her family and friends there. It is much more likely to be a symbolic gesture to show everyone just how serious they are about each other." Kate, 32, and Pete, 27, had flowers draped over their shoulders for the ceremony and the model's mother, Linda, also flew in for the wedding.
The island of “Phuket”. How phucking appropriate. You know what I think symbolizes that better? Perjury. Perjury in Superior Court. All I know is once that happens, you know you’ve got a bond that can’t be broken. Except maybe by the guy with the gun at the door. I’ve already said too much.

JUST TIRED VS. COLLAPSING

There are two reports out this morning about Britney Spears and whether or not she “collapsed” on New Year’s or “fell asleep”

I don’t know about you but when I’m “just tired” people don’t need to “rush” me out covered in some semblance of a tarp. When I “collapse” however, that’s exactly what happens and I wake up next to the dumpster completely mistaking the trickling sound of a urine stream to that of “ambient noise”.

Anyway, here is the article that says she was “just tired” and here is the one that says she passed out from the wafting scent of her own vagina. Okay, I made that up. But it does say she “collapsed”.

Feel free to be judge, jury and executioner.

MINI-ME IN REHAB

Nothing says “New Year’s Resolution” quite like entering rehab.

AUSTIN POWERS star VERNE TROYER’s long-running battle with alcohol abuse has landed him back in a rehab facility.

The small star recently checked himself into a treatment centre near his Michigan hometown for 12 days after suffering a relapse.

His manager, ELENA FONDACARO, confirms to American publication National Enquirer, "Verne was in rehab and now he’s in outpatient therapy.

"Alcoholism is an illness that comes and goes - and Verne realised he was slipping. He decided to go back to rehab because he’s determined to maintain his sobriety." In October 2002 the 38-year-old nearly died of alcohol poisoning after being distraught following a break-up with GENEVIEVE GALLEN, a busty blonde who was his bride for two months.

Fondacaro adds, "He’ll be back in Los Angeles to resume work by mid-January (07). He’s determined to stay sober."
Okay, first alcoholism isn’t something that comes and goes. It’s something that comes and stays like herpes and all you can do is manage it the best you can and keep the flareups down to a minimum. How do I know? Because I just broke up with my boyfriend who just happens to have 10 years sobriety under his belt. And who likes to tell me repeatedly about “the alcoholic way of thinking." And then I'd get sick of him acting like AA was some kind of club and I'd say, “you don’t have to be an alcoholic to think like that” and proceed to smash my vodka bottle on the front of his truck and tell him to stop judging me. And then I think he said it was over. I can't remember. But I distinctly remember yelling, "You can't quit me! I'm fired!

So that's how I know I broke up with him. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.