SPANK CHEEKS

STATUS UPDATE

2007-02-07T08:22:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone:

I'm really sorry I haven't posted lately. But let me just say this....

Fuck the cops and fuck the system. I don't see why I get popped just because I finally asked this one guy to pay me cash for a blowjob. What the fuck, all these years I've been doing it for free so how is that worse? It doesn't make me a prostitute it makes me an entrepreneur. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So here is the deal...I won't be posting for a little while longer because the women's prison only has like 4 computers and when I get on-line I really only have time to check email. With that said, anyone who would like to email me can email me at misszanna@yahoo.com. When I say that, I mean, Dragulf, email me. Ent.Lawyer..I could use a few "helpful hints" and Pete M..the literature in here sucks. "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" is considered a "new release" on the friggin' library cart they bring around to the cells. So write me.

And Pasquale....why haven't you vistited..there is only one women's prison in Massachusetts. It's not like you can't find it.

I have to go. The only reason I was able to post this much is because I promised Bertha she could have my pudding. And I'm not talking Jello-brand......

2007 OSCAR NOMINEES REVEALED

2007-01-23T10:01:00.000-05:00

Know how everyone has been raving about Jennifer Hudson's rendition of And I am telling you, I'm not going...

Well, she's right, she's NOT going! Dreamgirls was completely shut out. So the Oscar race is as wide open as Paris Hilton's twat.

Read the nominees here

_____Update: Dreamgirls was shut out for Best Picture....that's what I meant to say....

ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS SCARED SHITLESS

2007-01-23T09:40:00.000-05:00

I'm going to bring up an theory that may be uncomfortable for some. TMZ Reports:

As tomorrow's deadline looms for the DNA test to establish the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, TMZ has learned Smith's lawyers are furiously working to halt the test.Sources tell TMZ that Smith's lawyers are now arguing that the order requiring the test was never brought before a Bahamian judge. A Los Angeles Superior Court judge ordered the test, but Smith's lawyers now say it's not binding until a Bahamian judge gives it a stamp of approval.

Sources also tell TMZ that Anna Nicole's lawyers are trying to block the test on grounds that the United States DNA lab hired by Larry Birkhead, the man claiming to be the father of little Dannielynn, cannot legally administer the test because its technicians don't have work permits for the Bahamas.Despite her public statements that she has nothing to hide, Ms. Smith is going to great lengths to block the DNA test.

Does any one else thing something is very very strange about her blocking this DNA test? She’s such a money grubbing whore that you’d think she would let the DNA test prove who the father is so she can soak him for all he’s worth, right? So it leads me to believe there is something she doesn’t want us to know. And I read a theory once that her son Danny could have been the father and I said to myself, “no, not even Anna would be so disgusting”…but now I’m not so sure. How many pictures have you seen of Anna all over her son? Yea, it’s not a pleasant thought but why else would you go to these lengths to block a DNA test? Because like I said, proving the father just means more $$ for her…and you know she’d be all over that like a bucket of KFC.

STRIPPERS CHANGED BRAD PITT'S LIFE

2007-01-23T09:18:00.000-05:00

People reports:

On Brad Pitt's road to Hollywood, it helped to have strippers in the passenger seat. Talking about one of his first jobs at Newsweek's annual Oscar roundtable Saturday in Hollywood, Pitt said, "My job was to drive them to bachelor parties and things. I'd pick them up, and at the gig I'd collect the money, play the bad Prince tapes and catch the girls' clothes. It was not a wholesome atmosphere, and it got very depressing."

But it was not without its perks: Just before quitting, Pitt made a critical show business contact. "This girl – I'd never met her before – was in an acting class taught by a man named Roy London," a famous acting coach, he said, according to excerpts in this week's Newsweek. "I went and checked it out, and it really set me on the path to where I am now."

He added: "Strippers changed my life."

It can get depressing? Well, I suppose things could take a turn for the worse when a client gives you a dollar and asks for change back. Or when the sweaty, fat bald man with stains on his wifebeater thinks you’ve got a “connection” or when someone’s wife shows up at the door when you’re in the middle of a lapdance and you he runs out and you have to make his wife give you the money while she calls you a whore and stares at your tits. I’m just guessing, though.

What? Don’t you judge me.

JOHN MAYER SHARES HIS THOUGHTS ON GRAY'S ANATOMY

2007-01-19T13:25:00.000-05:00

As you may know, Isaiah Washington fucked up again the other night at the Golden Globes by using the word "faggot" in a press conference. But John Mayer has the perfect solution! John says:

ABC may fire Mr. Washington, and it seems as if the pressure to do so is mounting by the day. They may also choose to placate all parties involved with some well-constructed press releases and the soothing touch of time, but in my mind, neither outcome succeeds in making any strides in promoting the tenets of tolerance and understanding.

I would like to offer my suggestion for a solution; produce an episode of Grey's Anatomy in which Mr. Washington's character, Dr. Burke comes out to his friends and colleagues as a gay man!!! What better way for an actor to get to the roots of his discrimination than by portraying the very the subject of his own ire for the remainder of his contract? That'll learn ya!

This is awesome. Click here to see John's suggestion on how the scenes should play out.

RAQUEL WELCH IS STILL HOT

2007-01-19T10:24:00.000-05:00

I don't care if this woman is in her 60's. She is stunning. Yahoo reports:

M-A-C Cosmetics, the leading brand of professional cosmetics and makeup artist brand of choice, has named Raquel Welch, award-winning actress and screen siren, its fourth M-A-C Beauty Icon. Ms. Welch, well-known for her own artistry skills, and M-A-C Cosmetics closely collaborated on a colour collection available at M-A-C locations worldwide, February 2007.

To celebrate the launch of the Raquel Welch Beauty Icon Collection -- On January 17th, 2007, M-A-C Cosmetics will host an intimate dinner honoring Raquel Welch as their newest Beauty Icon. The exclusive evening event, attended by many New York notables, at Gilt in The New York Palace Hotel celebrates the legendary, international sex symbol.

So that picture up there is Raquel from Wednesday Night's "intimate dinner". Picture courtesy of me, because I stole it myself from Perez Hilton. Which is okay. Because Perez is Cuban and my father is Cuban and I showed this picture to my dad last night and I said, "I hope I look as good as her when I'm her age." My father just laughed and said, "You'd be lucky if you looked that good now."

So, I had to steal that picture. It's called retribution.

BLIND ITEMS TO BE REVEALED TODAY

2007-01-19T10:07:00.000-05:00

Our favorite entertainment lawyer from Crazy Days and Nights will reveal some blind items today. Here is a teaser...

Tuesday November 14, 2006 JACKASS - Male rock star..I want to say 5 number ones, but Google says 6..solo act...hotel elevator after a concert..groupies (Band-Aids to my buddy Cameron and to my friend Kate who always makes me smile) pressing items to be signed into the elevator...(1) a woman in her 70's is on the elevator and a hotel guest..(2)me.... (3) singer's manager..the woman in her 70's has no idea what is going on and would rather be anyplace else..(btw I have no idea what she was doing up so late) girls are screaming and trying to claw their way to the elevator..singer grabs his crotch and says, "yeah girls want some of that don't ya?" and then turns to the woman in her 70's and says "I bet you could use some too huh?"..By this time he has accumulated a handful of Sharpies and begins to throw them out the elevator and the girls go scrambling for them, falling down as they do so..The manager hits the close button on the elevator and the singer reaches over and pushed the door open button and says.."not so fast..I love to watch them crawl..right where they belong.."then he lets the elevator door close..

Guesses:Adam Levine, Billy Idol, Fred Durst, Meatloaf

I'm going to go with Fred Durst or Adam Levine. Ain't nobody falling over Billy Idol and the only meatloaf I'd fall over is my mamma's. Cuz that's some goooooood shit, I'll tell you what.

click here to read the rest....

CLINT EASTWOOD IS DEAD

2007-01-18T19:22:00.000-05:00

Not really but he’s dead to me. City Rag reports:

At the Golden Globe Awards Clint Eastwood showed some serious signs of plastic surgery. It looks like he's spent a fist full of dollars ironing-out his trademark squinty eyes and rough face that have filled the screen with a quiet steadfast passion for many decades. Bummer.

What. The. Fuck. I’m thoroughly disgusted. Look at those pictures. LOOK AT THEM. Now tell me, does the pansy on the left look like he’s going to say, “Do you feel lucky? Well..do ya punk?” No. He looks like he’s en route to his scrotum shearing appointment and in the mood for some “Lemon Lift” herbal tea. Fuck. I don’t even know what else to say. Dude...that there is Dirty Harry..what the fuck happened to Dirty Harry?

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.18.06

2007-01-18T10:40:00.000-05:00

Even negative attention is attention..Lohan enters rehab (yeeeah!)Fergie works on her camel toe (ibbb)

Angelina Jolie’s reversal of fortune (agent bedhead)

Watch a very nervous T.R. Knight from Gray’s anatomy on yesterdays Ellen show (pop on the pop)

Posh flashes her crotch at Tom Cruise (seriously omg)

Sacha Baron Cohen kills off Borat (celebitchy)

Yes, Virginia, there is a Racist Clause (junkiness)

Is Britney “Fed-Up”? You decide. (celebrity mound)

Beyonce’s dad is pissed off….again (Idlyitw)

FOX TV DEFENDS PAULA ABDUL

2007-01-16T09:57:00.000-05:00

Pr-inside reports:

LATEST: Bosses at Fox have leaped to the defence of singer-turned-AMERICAN IDOL judge PAULA ABDUL, insisting her bizarre appearance on a Seattle morning news show was the result of technical difficulties.

Videos of the incident - showing Abdul mixing up her words and bizarrely gesticulating - surfaced on online file sharing site YouTube on Thursday (11JAN07), prompting speculation alcohol or medication were to blame.

However, the network maintains she acted soberly and professionally under extremely difficult studio circumstances.

In a statement bosses say, "All of us at Fox have tremendous respect and admiration for Paula Abdul. She is a consummate professional who always gives 100 per cent to everything she does.

"Last week, during a satellite press tour there were intermittent technical difficulties, including severe audio issues in which multiple stations were speaking to her at once.

"Rather than getting angry about these difficulties, or stopping the tour, Paula forged ahead and decided to have fun with the increasingly challenging situation. Unfortunately, because reporters and viewers were unaware of the situation, her humour was misconstrued."

Okay. You look at the video below and you tell me if you see a technical difficulty. Falling forward, bug-eyed, and slurring and laughing at your own jokes is not a technical difficulty. If it was, then my attorney wouldn't hae had to garnish my fucking paycheck to pay for all the "technical difficulties" I've had.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.15.07

2007-01-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

Being a Playboy Bunny isn't what it's cracked up to be....Hugh Heffner's cheerleading squad and fake erection (celebitchy)

Our Boston buddy's celebrity recap (IBBB)

Kate Moss is an exhibitionist (agentbedhead)

Stop or my mom will shoot up! (junkiness)

Britney Spears trys her hand at parenting (yeeeah!)

Tyra Banks has "pimples that are alive" (pop on the pop)

LESBIONIC CATFIGHT

2007-01-15T11:47:00.000-05:00

Well, it seems that Angelina and Madonna share more than just a love for adopting third world oprhans. I was wondering why they started their verbal fisticuffs over adoption processes and motives. But now I think we can shed some light on that. The Daily Mail reports:

Little wonder Hollywood is lapping up this delicious catfight between two of the world's biggest female stars, especially as, if rumours are to be believed, it is lent added spice by something of a Sapphic frisson.

The Mail has learnt that a lipstick lesbian is writing a no-holds-barred book in which she will describe in graphic detail how she was a lover of the stunning actress and the singer at the same time.

Jenny Shimizu, a 39-year-old model, will allege that Madonna flew her around the world for secret liaisons before she married the film director Guy Ritchie. Their affair, she says, coincided with an equally passionate fling with the leggy Miss Jolie.

Well, I guess sometimes you eat at the five star restaurant known as The Angelina and then sometimes late at night, when no one is looking, you go dumpster diving in the snatch of a gap-toothed has-been. And for some reason I just got a mental image of a Hazmat uniform and the expression, "Cover me...I'm going in"

MARTIN LUTHER KING: I HAVE A DREAM

2007-01-15T10:59:00.000-05:00

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO PLAY JENNA JAMESON?

2007-01-15T10:21:00.000-05:00

I hope this movie goes direct to video because a “life story” of Jenna Jameson isn’t going to be worth watching unless it actually is a porn, and my days of getting off inside the movie theatre are over.

I lied. No, they’re not. PR Inside reports:

The stunning actress has been handpicked by adult movie legend Jenna as her personal choice for the lead in a film adaptation of her book, 'How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale'.

Jenna is currently in talks with producers and hopes filming will begin next year.

The X-rated actress told Britain's FHM magazine: "We're looking hopefully at Scarlett Johansson. She's my choice. I think she's beautiful." Scarlett has already vowed to strip off for the cameras if the right role comes along, saying last year: "I'm not opposed to doing nudity - it would just have to be the right project." There's certainly been plenty of nudity in Jenna's life - the racy star has appeared in around 100 porn films and is one of the highest paid adult actors in the world.

She may be ten years younger than 32-year-old Jenna, but sultry Scarlett, 22, already shares the porn queen's sex symbol status.

'The Black Dahlia' star, who is famed for her curvy figure, was voted Sexiest Woman Alive by readers of American men's magazine Esquire last year.

Both actresses also have trademark blonde hair and are renowned for their glamorous image.

Oh yes. A Cautionary Tale. I was going to make a “Jenna’s Tail” joke but I lost it when my mind wandered more toward anal bleaching, double penentration, and knowing how to position yourself for the money-shot. Then I thought about how Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy can blow himself. My ADD can really fuck up a post harder than John Holmes can fuck a….hey look! A butterfly…

DINA LOHAN IS FINGER FOOD

2007-01-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

Page six is reporting:

WHILE Lindsay Lohan is off filming in Hollywood, her mom, Dina Lohan, is busy showing where Lindsay might have picked up her moves. Dina, spotted in a "really short dress and boots," made some fellow diners at Kobe Club lose their appetites Wednesday night. A guy sitting next to Dina was "all over her," we're told. "Dina had a napkin in her lap and hiked up her dress," our source says. "The guy put his hand under her napkin . . . It went on for like five minutes." After the guy realized he was being watched, he stopped whatever it was he was doing. A rep for Dina said, "That's a disgusting lie and it's completely untrue."

Yea, that’s what I say after I get caught in the men’s room of Han Dynasty after too many mai tais. Or in the car in the parking lot. Or behind the dumpster in the ally. Because that’s what classy broads do..it's called discretion. I don't care how many pictures there are of me on other people’s camera phones that say otherwise.

BRITNEY SPEARS IS A GIVER

2007-01-12T08:13:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears is a humanitarian. US Magazine Reports

The new year has put Britney Spears in a charitable mood.

The 25-year-old pop star had just withdrawn a large amount of cash from an ATM on Wednesday, and was stopped at the L.A. intersection of La Cienega Boulevard and Third Street when a homeless man approached her vehicle.

“Britney rolled down the window and handed the guy $300,” says the source. “She said, ‘Good luck and happy new year!’ The guy almost had a heart attack.”

Adds the source, “Britney wants to do good — for herself and the world. That’s what she’s all about.”

Meanwhile…back in K-Fed’s world:

Britney Spears' estranged husband Kevin Federline is on such a tight budget since he broke up with the pop star, he tried to return some clothing she bought for him and collect the cash.

In late December, the former back-up dancer tried to return nearly $15,000 worth of pricey Libertine and Mastermind Japan clothes that Spears purchased for him.

According to In Touch magazine, Federline returned the items at exclusive Los Angeles store Maxfield, which included a jacket that cost $1,620.

The 28-year-old wanted a cash refund for the merchandise, which still had the original tags, but when the clerk refused, he settled on a store credit.

A source explains, "He was looking for pocket money. Now he's going to try to sell the credit."

Once you’ve bee giving this K-Fed your money for last few years, giving 300.00 to a homeless man is pretty much the same thing. And just like K-Fed that 300.00 was used on booze, drugs, a homeless prostitute and a few value meals from McDonalds.

PROMOTIONAL PICS: POTC AT WORLD'S END

2007-01-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

From Ain’t it Cool:

These images pretty much speak for themselves. Disney is gearing up its publicity behemoth for PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END & I'm told these represent some permutation of theatrical display fodder (posters, banners, etc.)

PLEASE NOTE: there's a chance this work may not be final. If true, this is still an interesting glimpse into the prmotional development process.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.11.07

2007-01-11T11:03:00.000-05:00

AMAZING celebrity look-alike photos (celebitchy)

Britney’s stylist says, “don’t blame me” (splash news)

It’s a bikini. It’s a burqa. It’s a birquini! (agent bedhead)

Tara Reid rides a dolphin into freedom (ibbb)

Simon Cowell’s interview in Playboy (pop on the pop)

Photographer Tanja Askani has a beautiful series of photos of a friendship that developed between a fawn and rabbit. The fawn's mother was killed and was being cared for, when a wild rabbit showed up and befriended the baby deer (city rag)

Watch Barbara Walters call Trump a “poor, pathetic man” (celebrity mound)

Paris Hilton already wrecked her new car (celebrity puke)

Jessica Alba snaps (egotistic)

Richard Gere empowers third world prostitutes (yeeeah!)

BLIND ITEM: GUESS THE ACTOR

2007-01-11T10:34:00.000-05:00

From Crazy Days and Nights:

Anyway, so at lunch yesterday. Popular place, but nothing outrageous or pretentious about it. A few celebrities were there and this particular B actor(movie and television) was in a corner being friendly with his date. VERY friendly. The kind of friendly where you know that this is date 1 or 2. The kind of friendly where she did not bother to wear much on top or bottom. The kind of friendly where this was just the start of something that was going to continue long into the afternoon. They were definitely getting their groove on. I had no reason to suspect what was going to happen next because I did not know he was married. I just thought he was enjoying being someone. A waiter interrupted their groping/petting at one point to whisper something into the actor’s ear which was unintelligible. However, he stood up quickly and said "My wife?" He grabbed the girl, pulled her up from her chair and dragged her out the back door of the place in about 15 seconds. I really did not think someone could move that fast. At about the time the laughter died around us, a woman I did not recognize, but presumably is his wife came through the front door with two of her friends, and the entire place, en masse kind of shifted to look, looked, and then went back to what they were doing. Only in LA.

click here to keep reading....

SPANK IT YOURSELF 1.10.07

2007-01-10T13:31:00.000-05:00

Dead but not yet buried…James Brown (celebitchy)

The People’s Choice Awards gets graded (yeeeah!)

K-Fed’s #1 Fan loves him because there’s something “Baltimore and Sleazy” about him (agent bedhead)

Get your Harriet-Carter on! Harriet Carter 101 (ibbb)

As if his ego weren’t big enough, HBO gives Kanye West a reality show (seriously omg)

Simon Cowell attacks Bob Dylan 40 years too late (evil beet)

BE ADEQUITE

2007-01-10T11:07:00.000-05:00

Rehydrate. Rehabilitate. Intoxicate. Introducing Adequite, the world’s first single-grain triple-distilled luxury vodka available in a discreet plastic container that resembles an innocent - yet stylish - water bottle. Specially developed by troubled alcohol enthusiast and occasional movie actress Lindsay Lohan, Adequite is the solution to the problem you’re not ready to admit you have.

THE THREESOME FROM HELL

2007-01-10T06:16:00.000-05:00

Rosie O’Donnel is such a hard-core lesbian that she gave herself the kiss of death. Page Six Reports:

The tension between "The View" creator Barbara Walters and co-host Rosie O'Donnell, sparked by O'Donnell's feud with Donald Trump, boiled over yesterday morning when the portly comic called Walters "a [bleeping] liar."

The fight started around 8:30 a.m. when Walters, back from a two-week vacation, walked into the hair and makeup room at ABC studios and tried to hug O'Donnell, whom she hired onto the popular show.According to spies, O'Donnell recoiled from Walters' touch and yelled, "You kept me in the newspapers this whole time!"

Both "View" producer Bill Geddie and Walters tried to calm O'Donnell. Walters told her, "I did everything I could to squash the story" - prompting Rosie to scream, "You didn't call me for 10 goddamn days, and you didn't tell me what you were going to say on television!"

During her vacation, Walters issued a carefully worded statement saying, "I'm sorry there is friction between Donald and Rosie. That said, I do not regret for one moment my choice to hire Rosie O'Donnell as the moderator of 'The View.' "

After O'Donnell's outburst at Walters yesterday, Geddie jumped in and told her, "You've crossed the line." O'Donnell retorted, "Cameras are now outside of my house where my wife and kids are." She turned to Walters and said, "You went all around this and never called [Trump] a liar. You never said, 'Donald is lying.' You never called him a liar."

When Walters tried to defend herself, O'Donnell erupted, "Are you looking me in the face and denying you didn't tell him you didn't say this? You're a [bleeping] liar."

And it gets better. Once Trump heard of the outburst, he sat his ass down and wrote Rosie a letter. ETonline reports:

"Dear Rosie,I hope you had a wonderful vacation with your wife -- you needed the rest.An article in today's New York Post indicates that you blew up at BARBARA WALTERS for being a 'liar.' Actually, I don't blame you, but in fact she lied to both of us! After your maniacal and foolish rant against me two weeks ago, Barbara called me from her vacation (I did not call her) in order to apologize for your behavior. She had heard that I was going to retaliate against you and tried to talk me out of it. She very much wanted me to go on the show as soon as she got back so that she could 'patch things up' (I said no). To be exact, she said that 'working with her is like living in hell' and, more pointedly, 'Donald, never get into the mud with pigs' and, 'don't worry, she won't be here for long.' Barbara knows exactly what she told me over the phone and she has to live with it. Perhaps that's why her initial statement was so mild!
In another incident, when I saw her eating at Le Cirque about two months ago and asked how 'Rosie was doing,' she sarcastically rolled her eyes and said 'Donald, do you have to ruin my meal.'In any event, you have a good reason to be angry. Please give my warmest regards to Kelly!
Sincerely,Donald J. Trump

I’d like to call this whole debacle sophomoric, but I think sophomoric lends itself to a maturity that doesn’t exist between these three. This is more like a fight in a schoolyard sandbox. Rosie, peed on Barbara’s sandcastle, and Donald is kicking sand in both their eyes. And I’m the sly chic by the swingset taking bets before Sister Hiltruda comes out. 10-1 Rosie gets kicked out of school in the next 3 months.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS JELLY

2007-01-10T06:01:00.000-05:00

Slap some lipstick on that pig and let’s go! Click here

ESTRADA? ESTEVEZ? SAME THING.....

2007-01-08T06:44:00.000-05:00

Oh, this one made me laugh out loud. PR-indside reports:

Former CHiPs star ERIK ESTRADA has been told to calm down by a Police Chief after he launched into a foul mouthed tiade at a man on new US reality show ARMED & FAMOUS.The 57-year-old actor was reprimanded by Police Chief JOE WINKLE on the show, which follows five celebrities as they train to become reserve police officers in Muncie, Indiana.

Estrada got involved in a dispute with 53 year old RANDALL SIMS - who had been stabbed in the leg during a domestic dispute - after Sims continued mistake Estrada for Hollywood actor EMILIO ESTEVEZ. The pair then traded insults at each other.

Police Chief Winkle confirmed he’d discussed the confrontation with Estrada, saying, "We talked about it with him, the fact that that’s something we encounter all the time, that you have to get a little thicker skin."With any new officer we would tell them, ‘Hey, that’s not how we conduct ourselves, don’t get caught up in the moment, we’re the ones who are professionals.’ That’s what we did with Erik and I think he truly understood that."

Actually, what Erik understood was this was one of his last career gigs and he better pull his shit together PRONTO before that last paycheck comes in. Not to mention, you've got bigger problems than that. Look around you. You are on a reality show with Jack Osbourne, the midget from Jackass and LaToya Jackson. LaToya Jackson....with a gun. Compared to that, someone calling you Emelio Estevez is a compliment. Then again, maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's enigmatic, really.

JAMES BROWN SPANKS HIS HYNIE

2007-01-08T06:22:00.000-05:00

James Brown wants a DNA test done on the son he had with Tomi Rae Hynie. The Sydney Morning Herald Reports:

Soul legend James Brown instructed lawyers before he died to carry out DNA tests to show if he was the father of his wife's son.

His family lawyer said the singer never wanted five-year-old James Joseph Brown II tested when he was alive, but wanted it done for the family's sake once he was gone.

The boy is the son of Tomi Rae Hynie, 36, who said that, following the singer's death, she was locked out of his South Carolina home after another lawyer alleged they had not been legally married.

Ms Hynie insists they were and she has proof, and that Brown was her son's father. The lawyer said: "James Brown intentionally did not do any DNA testing of that child during his life. And there was a reason for it."

Ms Hynie said the boy was "absolutely without a doubt" Brown's son and she would welcome a test.

And just to make sure you truly understand how bat-shit crazy his wife was, watch the video. No offense to the dead but damn...if I was a guy I wouldn't have gotten my penis anywhere NEAR this chic, let alone in her.

THE TRUTH HURTS (AT LEAST IT HURTING ME)

2007-01-08T06:21:00.000-05:00

Oh God. It’s true. I didn’t want it to be true…but it is.

Why is her mouth always open? Why is his head so big? I think she has jaundice. I know it’s just bad tanning spray but let’s start a rumor. Why not. She has Hep-C. What the fuck am I talking about? Click here.

BURT BACHARACH'S DAUGHTER COMMITS SUICIDE

2007-01-08T06:08:00.000-05:00

So sad. Yahoo News reports:

Nikki Bacharach, 40, suffered from Asperger's Disorder, a form of autism. She killed herself Thursday night at her condo, said Linda Dozoretz, a spokeswoman for the family.

"She quietly and peacefully committed suicide to escape the ravages to her brain brought on by Asperger's," the statement said.

Nikki Bacharach died of suffocation using a plastic bag and helium, said Mike Feiler of the Ventura County coroner's office.

Born prematurely in 1966, Lea Nikki Bacharach studied geology at Cal Lutheran University, but could not pursue a career in the field because of poor eyesight.

"She loved kitties, and earthquakes, glacial calving, meteor showers, science, blue skies and sunsets, and Tahiti," the statement said.

Nikki Bacharach was the only child of Burt Bacharach, 77, and Angie Dickinson, 75, who were married from 1965 to 1981.

It was the second marriage for both Bacharach, the Oscar-winning composer of "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," and "What the World Needs Now is Love," and Dickinson, star of the film "Dress to Kill" and the TV show "Police Woman."

Her RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD hitmaker father documented her obsessive routines and extreme sensitivity to sounds, smells and tastes in his 1971 song NIKKI.

RENEE ZELLWEGER HAS ISSUES

2007-01-04T08:24:00.000-05:00

Renee Zellweger chooses to live like a homeless vagrant. PR-inside reports:

RENEE ZELLWEGER is so concerned about security she refuses to live at any of the luxury homes she owns.

The BRIDGET JONES actress admits past experiences with stalkers have left her mentally scarred, and she is unable to settle down in any one place for fear another crazed fan may threaten her.She says, "I have places to live but I don't live there because I don't have time to get there and because I've had people show up at these houses so it's not a friendly place for a girl who is single without a dog to live. So I don't tend to go there.

"It's scary if there is a car idling outside your house on your 40 acres in the middle of the woods at four in the morning. And as a girl your instincts are to be scared of this and what am I going to do? And that doesn't make for a very good night's sleep."Your instincts kick in and your adrenalin rushes, and you realise you can't live there. It's sad, but that's how it works. It's no big deal. It's just a job hazard. "I don't want to own a gun, but sometimes at four in the morning when there is a car outside, you do think about it."

Those aren’t instincts dipshit, it’s your fucking phobias. The last time I heard an excuse this lame was when I came out of Store 24 and some lady asked me for spare change because she left her Prada bag in her Mercedes and that she brings her own shopping cart because you can't trust the ones at the store and she always gets the one with the fucked up wheel. Then, you look down and she’s got a Mercedes emblem duct-taped to the front of the shopping cart and you realize..that is the Mercedes, and that Prada bag is a lovely shade of "paper bag brown" with a half empty bottle of Thunderbird in it.

KID ROCK IS IN THE AMALGAMATION STAGE

2007-01-04T08:01:00.000-05:00

Kid Rock has proved my theory that there are not 5 but 6 stages of grief. Page Six reports:

KID Rock wanted to ring in the New Year with a fist to Tommy Lee's face - but he beat up a door at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, instead. "Kid is divorcing Pam Anderson, but he heard [her ex] Tommy was hooking up with her, and got all riled up," our source said. "So he went over at 6 a.m. with two bodyguards, and began kicking down what he thought was Tommy's door. Only it wasn't - and Kid found himself staring at some poor, startled family. He signed an autograph for them as security arrived, then bolted over to the Paradise strip club." Bloodshed was avoided, but Lee - in Vegas to play The Joint with his band, Rock Star Supernova - should watch his back. "Tommy has been calling Kid Rock and taunting him about Pam, and Kid Rock was ready to kick some serious ass," a source said. Lee's rep told us, "Tommy is aware that this incident occurred, but wasn't at the time as he was staying on another floor." Rock's flack didn't get back to us.

They say there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I’ve watched the stages of grief and I’ve been through the stages of grief. And I personally feel there is a stage missing called the “amalgamation stage” where you experience any combination of two to five stages simultaneously. What we are looking at is Kid Rock in the amalgamation stage. You see, he was angry about the Tommy Lee thing (and frankly, I don’t know if he’s just mad at Tommy for having a bigger dick than him because why is he fighting over THIS?), but I digress.

Anyway, he’s angry…then he goes up to Tommy’s room to “bargain” - because in his mind, if you threaten someone hard enough, you’ll get your way. If that works, you can keep the denial stage alive and hope upon hopes that you’ll get your bag of Hep-C back. After meeting the other family however, I believe we went back into “bargaining” (please don’t call the cops here is my autograph) to depression (no one is ever going to love me….PAAAAAAAAM).and then to Acceptance (fuck it, let’s go to the strip club)

SPANK IT YOURSELF 01.03.07

2007-01-03T14:50:00.000-05:00

Styles P gets hit by truck – throws napkins. (yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie is the Virgin Mary of Wal*Mart (celebitchy)

Pick up the phone bitch! Malawai is on line 1 (pop on the pop)

Harriet Carter – New Year…new crap (ibbb)

Mario Lopez will decide if you are hot or not (seriously, omg)

How do you make Paris’ wonky eye wonkier? (faded youth)

SPANK IT YOURSELF 01.02.07

2007-01-02T16:34:00.000-05:00

Penelope Cruz wants Salma-nella. (agent bedhead) which is a nice segue to:

People in Scottsdale, Arizona are against eating vagina (junkiness)

Someone’s had 1.5 million dollars to piss away…on George Michael. I hope whoever it was got at least a blowjob (seriously, omg)

Nicole Richie is Good Charlotte’s Yoko Ono (celebitchy)

Justin and Cameron downgraded to fuckbuddies? (pop on the pop)

Can you guess the actress our favorite Hollywood Lawyer is dishing about? (crazy days and nights)

Check out some sweet celebrity limousines…(celebs and movie physics)

It’s not New Years without tongue and f-bombs (yeeeah!)

PETE AND KATE ARE PRETEND MARRIED

2007-01-02T08:18:00.000-05:00

Its being reported that Pete Doherty and Kate Moss played make-believe over the weekend.

The couple jetted out to the paradise island of Phuket to see in the New Year and exchanged vows during an intimate ceremony held at the exclusive Amanpuri Hotel at 1.30pm local time yesterday.The ceremony was conducted by a Thai priest and is not thought to be legally binding in the UK.

Kate's friend told the Daily Mirror newspaper: "This was not likely to be a formal wedding because Kate would have wanted all her family and friends there. It is much more likely to be a symbolic gesture to show everyone just how serious they are about each other." Kate, 32, and Pete, 27, had flowers draped over their shoulders for the ceremony and the model's mother, Linda, also flew in for the wedding.

The island of “Phuket”. How phucking appropriate. You know what I think symbolizes that better? Perjury. Perjury in Superior Court. All I know is once that happens, you know you’ve got a bond that can’t be broken. Except maybe by the guy with the gun at the door. I’ve already said too much.

JUST TIRED VS. COLLAPSING

2007-01-02T08:00:00.000-05:00

There are two reports out this morning about Britney Spears and whether or not she “collapsed” on New Year’s or “fell asleep”

I don’t know about you but when I’m “just tired” people don’t need to “rush” me out covered in some semblance of a tarp. When I “collapse” however, that’s exactly what happens and I wake up next to the dumpster completely mistaking the trickling sound of a urine stream to that of “ambient noise”.

Anyway, here is the article that says she was “just tired” and here is the one that says she passed out from the wafting scent of her own vagina. Okay, I made that up. But it does say she “collapsed”.

Feel free to be judge, jury and executioner.

MINI-ME IN REHAB

2007-01-02T07:37:00.000-05:00

Nothing says “New Year’s Resolution” quite like entering rehab.

AUSTIN POWERS star VERNE TROYER’s long-running battle with alcohol abuse has landed him back in a rehab facility.

The small star recently checked himself into a treatment centre near his Michigan hometown for 12 days after suffering a relapse.

His manager, ELENA FONDACARO, confirms to American publication National Enquirer, "Verne was in rehab and now he’s in outpatient therapy.

"Alcoholism is an illness that comes and goes - and Verne realised he was slipping. He decided to go back to rehab because he’s determined to maintain his sobriety." In October 2002 the 38-year-old nearly died of alcohol poisoning after being distraught following a break-up with GENEVIEVE GALLEN, a busty blonde who was his bride for two months.

Fondacaro adds, "He’ll be back in Los Angeles to resume work by mid-January (07). He’s determined to stay sober."

Okay, first alcoholism isn’t something that comes and goes. It’s something that comes and stays like herpes and all you can do is manage it the best you can and keep the flareups down to a minimum. How do I know? Because I just broke up with my boyfriend who just happens to have 10 years sobriety under his belt. And who likes to tell me repeatedly about “the alcoholic way of thinking." And then I'd get sick of him acting like AA was some kind of club and I'd say, “you don’t have to be an alcoholic to think like that” and proceed to smash my vodka bottle on the front of his truck and tell him to stop judging me. And then I think he said it was over. I can't remember. But I distinctly remember yelling, "You can't quit me! I'm fired!

So that's how I know I broke up with him. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.28.06

2006-12-28T08:25:00.000-05:00

Jennifer Anniston wants Angelina to STFU already…c’moonnnnnn catfight! (celebitchy)

Live at the Apollo!..um..no..sorry..I mean dead at the Apollo…James Brown…(seriously,omg)

Bono is slowly realizing his dream of world dominiation (agent bedhead)

Jessica Biel will divert your attention by making you look at her ass…then she will crush you with her brawny arms (yeeeah!)

The Harriet Carter video montage…complete with Baaahston accent… (ibbb)

Don’t H8 John Edwards (don’t be a H8ter, yo)

Paris Hilton has a new nickname for Britney (mollygood)

What’s this? You can look sexy with clothes on? Elisha Cuthbert proves it… (pop on the pop)

HAPPY NEW YEAR, SADDAM!

2006-12-27T09:43:00.000-05:00

Saddam Hussein has a date with death. The Grim Reaper’s estimated time of arrival will be within 30 days. Yahoo reports:

"The appeal court has approved the death sentence. They (the government) has the right to choose the date starting from tomorrow up to 30 days. After 30 days it will be an obligation to implement the sentence," he said.

I don't know why..but as soon as I read this this morning, I started to play that song "Loser" by Beck in my head....I'm a driver I'm a winner things are gonna change I can feel it... Soy un perdedor...I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me..."

Click here for musical accompaniment

SHANE MCGOWAN & PETE DOHERTY.....NAKED

2006-12-27T08:59:00.000-05:00

You thought watching Pete Dougherty squirt a syringe full of blood at a camera man was bad? Or shooting up a passed out teenage fan? You ain’t seen nothing yet…

Hellraising rockers SHANE MacGOWAN and PETE DOHERTY have posed nude together for a photoshoot.

The pair were tempted out of their clothes by celebrity snapper MARIO TESTINO.THE POGUES rocker MacGowan reveals, "I had my photograph taken with Mr Doherty recently. It was by Mario Testino.

"Nothing particularly unusual, except he asked us to be naked together, which was pretty unexpected. What's more unexpected is that we obliged."

Thank you for your patience as I process mental picture. Processing…..processing….at 38%.....processing……75% …processing….100%.

Okay…well, let me preface this by telling you my mind’s eye does not come with Adobe Photoshop…my mind’s eye is reporting a fierce amount of “pasty white”, but in all fairness, I am only seeing this in an artistic “black and white”which helps distract from the yellowing Euro-teeth. Those resemble Chiclets and are various shades of gray. I am also seeing ungroomed pubic hair, akin to the nests of birds native to Morocco. They are touching. I am becoming increasingly disturbed. I’m starting to rock back and forth. I'm cold. Edit..undo. Edit UNDO!!

Sorry! an unexpected error has occurred while continuing mental picture. This error has been forwarded to Spank Cheek's technical group.

R.I.P FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD

2006-12-27T08:43:00.000-05:00

Associated Press Reports:

The nation's 38th president, and the only one neither elected to the office nor the vice presidency, died at his desert home at 6:45 p.m. Tuesday.

"His life was filled with love of God, his family and his country," his wife, Betty, said in a statement.

Ford was the longest living former president, surpassing Ronald Reagan, who died in June 2004, by more than a month.

Ford's office did not release the cause of death, which followed a year of medical problems. He was treated for pneumonia in January and had an angioplasty and pacemaker implant in August.

Funeral arrangements were to be announced Wednesday.

"President Ford was a great man who devoted the best years of his life in serving the United States,"President Bush said in a brief statement to the nation Wednesday morning. "He was a true gentleman who reflected the best in America's character."

Ford was an accidental president. A Michigan Republican elected to Congress 13 times before becoming the first appointed vice president in 1973 after Spiro Agnew left amid scandal, Ford was Nixon's hand-picked successor, a man of much political experience who had never run on a national ticket. He was as open and straightforward as Nixon was tightly controlled and conspiratorial.

Former President Carter described him Wednesday as "one of the most admirable public servants and human beings I have ever known."

NICOLE KIDMAN CAN'T GET A BREAK

2006-12-26T08:18:00.000-05:00

Reportedly, Keith Urban had been cheating on Nicole even after their engagement was announced publicly. I just saw the pictures of his "mistress" and yea, she has a nice body. The face? Not so much. Splash News reports:

Amanda Wyatt, 23, has told how the hunky singer repeatedly cheated on the Oscar winning star in the run-up to their all-star wedding last summer.The blonde lingerie model alleged that while the couple were busy making plans to marry, ex-junkie Urban, 39, would make passionate love to her during secret meetings.She claimed to a Uk newspaper the cheating music idol Urban:

* NEVER used protection
* BEDDED her in the gym and bedroom of the sprawling Nashville, Tennessee, mansion the star now shares with Kidman.
* BOMBARDED her with sleazy text messages begging her to come round for sex sessions while the A-list actress was out of town.
* ROMPED completely naked with her in his swimming pool during a wild house party.
* DROVE himself to the brink of despair with drug use.

Amanda's bombshell claims will devastate Kidman, 39, who has recently been a rock for Urban after he voluntarily entered the Betty Ford rehab center in California.Now speaking for the first time about their alleged secret affair, Amanda revealed how she was regularly sleeping with Urban even after she saw pictures of the engaged celebrity couple splashed across magazines. And she insisted she now wants nothing more to do with him and has promised Kidman she is not a threat to her marriage.

I would think leaking this shit to the media would constitute being a threat to the marriage but what do I know. All my boyfriend's wives are mad at me so I'm obviously not doing something right.

There is alot more to the story and pictures so click here to check it out.

STEP RIGHT UP! PLACE YOUR BETS!

2006-12-26T08:07:00.000-05:00

Wherever she starts spending time is usually where the next adoption comes from. Where did Angelina and Brad spend Christmas? Click here.

COURTNEY LOVE STUMBLES DOWN MEMORY LANE

2006-12-26T07:54:00.000-05:00

I'm always suspect when Courtney Love takes us down memory lane. Only because I suspect she doesn't remember shit. Pr-inside reports:

Rocker COURTNEY LOVE and NIRVANA frontman KURT COBAIN often spent the festive season on a drugs hunt - but not before they’d showered each other with personal Christmas gifts.

The pair used to give self-penned songs and stories as presents, but they still made time to embark on a search for illegal narcotics.

She says, "Christmases were really challenging because even the dope dealers take Christmas off.

"Well, not all the dope dealers. Kurt had this friend called DYLAN and I found Dylan one Christmas hiding in my basement. Dylan had found a dope dealer.

"But, y’know, we were a family with a new born, so other than dope it wasn’t really what you’d call a ‘celebrity lifestyle’." She adds, "We made a lot of art for each other and wrote songs for each other - more creative kinds of gifts."

I know I was feeling creative yesterday. After I found out James Brown died, I went looking for my dealer. He wasn’t in my basement but at his mother’s house having dinner and opening presents. He gave me some free shit just to…heyyyy, see what I made you? It’s a picture. I enlarged a picture of my face and I cut a whole out of the mouth. Look! You can stick your tongue through it…Haaaaaaaaaaaaa…. And it has a poem. I made you a poem.

I didn’t drive it very far
I didn’t do that to your car
Green means stop and red means go
And yellow lights are just for show
That dent looks kind of three dimensional

Perfect cars are too conventional
I don’t know why you are all a-dither
Red and black go good together

JAMES BROWN DIES AT 73

2006-12-25T07:37:00.000-05:00

Talk about a Christmas buzz-kill. James Brown died early this morning. He was 73. From Associated Press:

ATLANTA - James Brown, the dynamic, pompadoured “Godfather of Soul,” whose rasping vocals and revolutionary rhythms made him a founder of rap, funk and disco as well, died early Monday, his agent said. He was 73.

Brown was hospitalized with pneumonia at Emory Crawford Long Hospital on Sunday and died around 1:45 a.m. Monday, said his agent, Frank Copsidas of Intrigue Music. Longtime friend Charles Bobbit was by his side, he said.

Copsidas said Brown’s family was being notified of his death and that the cause was still uncertain. “We really don’t know at this point what he died of,” he said.

Along with Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan and a handful of others, Brown was one of the major musical influences of the past 50 years. At least one generation idolized him, and sometimes openly copied him. His rapid-footed dancing inspired Mick Jagger and Michael Jackson among others. Songs such as David Bowie’s “Fame,” Prince’s “Kiss,” George Clinton’s “Atomic Dog” and Sly and the Family Stone’s “Sing a Simple Song” were clearly based on Brown’s rhythms and vocal style.

'No one near as funky'If Brown’s claim to the invention of soul can be challenged by fans of Ray Charles and Sam Cooke, then his rights to the genres of rap, disco and funk are beyond question. He was to rhythm and dance music what Dylan was to lyrics: the unchallenged popular innovator.

I don't know what you believe in, but I've decided Jesus wanted James Brown for a birthday present and that James Brown is dancing just like this video at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter and is rocking out. Enjoy my childlike wonderment. It'll last for about 12 hours. Wahoo-Doray. Amen.

STALLION'S PAPARAZZI PHONE

2006-12-22T12:13:00.000-05:00

What happens when you tell your Italian son that you want Paris Hilton's perfume for Christmas? What happens when your son HATES Paris Hilton and is beside himself because (and I quote): "I don't want to give that bitch my money!!!"

What you get is a loyal Spank Cheeks & Angry Ferret poster to go out and make the most of it, that's what. Armed with nothing but his good looks and his camera phone, the following footage was taken. Being that his camera only has 15 seconds of film time, he did the best with what he had.

This is our first "paparazzi". There are no celebrities in it but we mention one, so that counts. You may liken it to fingerpainting with feces but it's all we've got.

Thanks to Stallion for the footage. If you have any other "suggestions" for Stallion's Papparazzi Phone, leave them after the jump.

PHA-LA-LA-LA-LLIC

2006-12-22T08:39:00.000-05:00

Now, here is a tree suitable for “pornaments”. Check out this phallically shaped coniferous delight:

Alan Parkin put the willies up his neighbours - with this naughty 10ft Christmas tree.

Not content with adding just a couple of baubles, Alan, 47, decorated the fir with red and white fairy lights outside his home in aptly named Penistone.

But his jolly green giant didn't exactly excite fellow residents and they complained to police. Proof, perhaps, that size isn't everything.

One said: "It's rather rude. There are children and teenagers about and I don't think it's good for them to see." Another fumed: "It's just obscene. We shouldn't have to put up with it."

Although officers who visited his South Yorkshire home merely asked him to remove the lights, the jobless prankster has agreed to go all the way - and give the tree the snip.

Married Alan said: "It was just a laugh. If it offended anybody, then the shape will be altered.
"I was amazed when police called around. They said they had received a complaint and would I mind removing the lights so it didn't look offensive."

But not all neighbours were outraged. Constance Barnard, a widow in her 60s, said: "It doesn't bother me.

"I didn't know we had anyone around here so pious as to complain to police. I'm a churchgoer but I don't think about it. I'm a live-and-let-live lady."

Mind you, even she wasn't that impressed with Alan's idea of a Christmas lunchbox. Constance said: "It looks more like a mushroom."

WIERD AL INTERVIEWS KEVIN FEDERLINE

2006-12-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

MISS NEVADA NEEDS A BETTER PUBLICIST

2006-12-22T07:28:00.000-05:00

What ever happened to, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?” I’m so tired of the lies, man. TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned that Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA 2007, has been stripped of her title after racy photos emerged of her kissing other women and exposing herself. Miss Nevada is in red. TMZ has exclusively obtained the entire graphic series.

In a statement, Paula M. Shugart, President of the Miss Universe Organization, said "Katie Rees has been relieved of her duties as Miss Nevada USA 2007. First Runner-up Helen Salas will assume the title and compete at the 2007 MISS USA Pageant on March 23 in Los Angeles."

In a statement to the TV show "EXTRA," an attorney for Rees, says, was "Katie wants the public to know she was 17 and had a lapse in judgment. This was an isolated incident that occurred more than five years ago when she was a minor."

Oh yea? Well, in a statement to the blogsite Spank Cheeks, Zanna said, “ Fuck that shit. It was five years ago. For Chrissakes, even bad credit goes away in seven years, give the girl a break. Not only that, you're looking at sexually explicit pictures of a minor, so I guess that makes you a pedophile. Yea, I thought that whould shut you up”

I'm a public relations machine.

To see the pictures yourself click here.

TWELVE DAYS OF 2006

2006-12-21T07:24:00.000-05:00

......celebrity style

ANGELINA JOLIE HAS SELECTIVE MEMORY

2006-12-21T07:08:00.000-05:00

Angelina Jolie says the worst thing you can do is seduce someone else’s husband.

The actress - who first met partner Brad Pitt on the set of 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith' when he was married to Jennifer Aniston - says she hated her character in her latest movie, 'The Good Shepherd', because she seduces a married man, played by Matt Damon.

Angelina - who now has a baby with Brad, Shiloh - is quoted by Britain's Grazia magazine: "She does one of the worst things a woman could do. One scene I actually had trouble shooting because I'm so against that behaviour.

"She seduces him, and entraps him into having a child. There's not much worse than that, is there? But they're both at fault. They both had sex that night." Just last week, Angelina vehemently denied she and Brad had embarked on a relationship while he was still with Jennifer and insisted they remained "just good friends" until he split from the former 'Friends' star.

This reminds me of the time when I was 10 and I told Kevin Sheilds next door that if I caught him beating up my sister again, it would be the last thing he’d ever do. I promptly took his Magic 8 ball, smashed it on a rock and decapitated his GI Joe doll and sent him home crying. Then, I beat up my own sister in my backyard for letting him get the better of her. See how that works? It’s not okay when someone else does it. But it’s okay when I do it. I invented that move way before Angelina tried it. I’m a trailblazer, baby.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.20.05

2006-12-20T09:19:00.000-05:00

A very special Harriet Carter Christmas (IBBB)

Paris Hilton’s eye gets it’s wonk-on after she’s out partying…but look how ladylike she is getting out of the car… (x17)

Sienna Miller went on the vodka diet to get ready for her new movie. I already knew about that diet. Ask anyone. I’m the hottest chic in AA. (egotastic)

Sharon Stone and Christian Slater. Deal with that mental image. (a socialites’s life).

Hillary Duff will play a Russian pop star in her next movie. I’m not going to be Russian to go see that. Get it? I’m a fucking riot. (hollywood tuna)

Eminem and Kim are divorced again. Shocker, I know (people)

I don’t get how Coco’s ass does that on the cover of smooth (double viking)

Brad and Angelina to give up acting for the children. For God’s sakes, think of the children (seriously, omg)

Things get ugly between a gay reality show winner and a gay blogger (agent bedhead)

Santa Claus found in utility closet after botched attempt to abduct 8 year old girl. (junkiness)

FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US

2006-12-19T08:11:00.000-05:00

It’s about this time of year when you’re ready to either kill family members, strangers in traffic or if you are like me, set your tree on fire in the middle of the living room. And it’s because of this, that the Seinfeld-inspired holiday of “Festivus” is becoming a real holiday. Even though I’m sure I would just get drunk and never get past the “airing of grievances”.

Sick of Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or the holidays in general? Check out the Festivus website.

BRITNEY SPEARS BOOED OUT OF LAKERS GAME

2006-12-19T07:59:00.000-05:00

Like sand through the hourglass, so go the days of her life. TMZ reports:

How the tide has turned – now it's Britney who's getting booed and K-Fed, or something like him, eliciting cheers.

The exhibitionist pop star was among the fans at last night's Lakers-Wizards game at L.A.'s Staples Center, attending with sister Jamie Lynn and agent Jason Trawick. When Brit's face popped up on the Jumbotron, according to a TMZ spy in attendance, the entire crowd booed loudly, making Britney so mad that she left even before halftime.

To add injury to insult, the image of a K-Fed-alike graced the Jumbotron shortly thereafter, and the crowd actually cheered. Fellow celeb-fans Chris Tucker, Ellen Pompeo, Andy Garcia, and, of course, Jack Nicholson, stayed around to watch an overtime thriller, which the Lakers lost.

When she was with K-Fed, we could at least make excuses for her. It was good for her and for us. We could just pretend it was all his fault. But now we are faced with the realization that she’s a fucktard on every conceivable level - all by herself. When thousands of people collectively boo you out of the Staples Center, you should probably use that as a gauge as to how well your “comeback” is going to be. It’s not. Unless you want to issue a press release that you were under the influence of something OTHER than Paris Hilton. Because really, you can’t be that dim unless you have an excuse. Like a copious amount of prescription drugs...or a helmet and a shortbus.

R.I.P. JOE BARBERA

2006-12-19T07:12:00.000-05:00

Barbera, half of the Hanna-Barbera animation team that produced such beloved cartoon characters as Tom and Jerry, Yogi Bear and the Flintstones, died Monday, a Warner Bros. spokesman said. He was 95. Barbera died of natural causes at his home with his wife Sheila at his side, Warner Bros. spokesman Gary Miereanu said.

With his longtime partner, Bill Hanna, Barbera first found success creating the highly successful Tom and Jerry cartoons. The antics of the battling cat and mouse went on to win seven Academy Awards, more than any other series with the same characters.

"From the Stone Age to the Space Age and from primetime to Saturday mornings, syndication and cable, the characters he created with his late partner, William Hanna, are not only animated superstars, but also a very beloved part of American pop culture. While he will be missed by his family and friends, Joe will live on through his work," Warner Bros. Chairman and CEO Barry Meyer said Monday.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.18.06

2006-12-18T13:19:00.000-05:00

Breaking News: 50 Cent to give up golf (junkiness)

Every NBA game should be like this (ibbb)

Beyonce’s father is delusional (yeeeah!)

Mel Gibson sticks up for Britney Spears - he’s drunk again (seriously? omg!)

Here’s a little something to replace the vision of Britney and Lohan’s twat that has been tattooed on your brain (agent bedhead)

Justin Guarini has a new look. But not really because he still looks gay (pop on the pop)

SANTA - STEADY MOBBIN'

2006-12-18T08:28:00.000-05:00

You better start believing.....

BRITNEY SPEARS LOOKS LIKE SHIT

2006-12-18T08:18:00.000-05:00

Some things defy my comprehension. Today, it’s my Christmas tree that won’t stay straight in the stand and Britney spears looking like a bag of smashed assholes.

You don’t believe me? Click here.

VINCENT GALLO LIVES IN LA LA LAND

2006-12-18T07:59:00.000-05:00

You know that place where clouds are made of marshmallows and unicorns run in herds and fly over rainbows? No? It’s called La-La Land and Vincent Gallo lives there. D-listed reports:

A few months ago piece of grease, Vincent Gallo, offered himself for $50,000. He considered this a bargain, because he’s so hot. Well…he’s now upped his price even though nobody took advantage of this deal of a lifetime. He’s now offering himself for $100,000 plus expenses.

He said, “Heavy-set, older red-heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way, José.”

Vincent also advised women interested in this deal to watch his film “The Brown Bunny” where he shows his wang to make sure they can take his girth. In the movie Vincent famously gets serviced by Chloe Sevigny. Dumb ho even swallows his load like the used trash can she is. Click here to see Vincent’s amazing man meat. It’s as appetizing as a rotted Vienna sausage.

Nice analogy. I looked at the pictures and I’m not impressed. But anyone who is that cocky (no pun intended, well, yea it was) would turn me off anyway, I wouldn’t care what they’re packing. Not only that - take it from me., the ones who brag about how good they are, never ever are. Those are the very guys who get offended when you say afterwards, "Yea...that was the greatest minute and thirty seconds ever..."

MARTHA STEWART HAS A SEX TOY NAMED THUMPER

2006-12-15T12:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Martha Stewart went mano-a-mano with shock jock, Howard Stern. And it was a good thing.

So it’s official. Martha Stewart is a badass. Earlier this morning, the Queen of Domesticity was interviewed by King of Shock Jocks Howard Stern on his satellite radio show to commemorate their one-year anniversary at Sirius. For a woman who has her own line of linens and a guy who could own a porn empire, one would have surely expected a conversation between the two to be, um, a recipe for disaster. But Stewart was game. Yes, there were some mildly awkward moments -- no matter what, we do not, I repeat, we do not want to hear about Thumper, Lady Martha’s sex toy -- but it’s a rare and cool occurrence that a woman of her caliber could roll with Stern’s trademark punches without being offended or emotional, and at times, even give him a taste of his own medicine.

The best moments came when Stern asked questions that would make most people wriggle, Michael Richards-style, in their seats.

When Stewart mentioned that she’d like to go out on more dates, Stern said, “But I thought you wanted me.” She responded, “I did. But then I met you.”

As Stern was wrapping up, he advised that the next time Stewart is on the show she go commando. “Wait, are you wearing underwear today?,” he asked. Stewart, without missing a beat, said, “No… bye Howard.”

ANGELINA FEEDS CRICKETS TO HER SON

2006-12-15T08:27:00.000-05:00

Angelina befuddles and bemuses me with both her beauty and her eccentricity. PR-inside reports:

The actress and her lover Brad Pitt decided to treat the five-year-old to a dish of crunchy crickets during a recent trip to Maddox’s native Cambodia.

She revealed: "I recently took Mad to Cambodia and it was the first trip there where he really understood it.

"We took him to a restaurant in the middle of the night and he had his first plate of crickets." The insects - which are rich in protein - are a traditional dish in the Southeast Asian country.

Okay, I can understand the cultural aspect of it. What I don’t understand is the whole “ “getting up in the middle of the night to go eat crickets” part. Any time my parents got me up in the middle of the night, we dyed my hair and changed my name because were going on an “adventure”. Did you know they call Mexico “God’s blind spot?”* It's true. They do.

*totally stolen from American Dad

NICK WRECKS JESSICA'S CHRISTMAS, HANNUKAH AND KWANZAA

2006-12-15T07:40:00.000-05:00

Under the guise of Being a respectful and thoughtful man, Nick Lachey allegedly called Jessica himself to let her know he’s getting re-married. The National Ledger reports:

According to the weekly entertainment magazine Nick poured his heart out to his ex-wife about his new love and a source tells the magazine he confessed he was headed for the altar. "I'm getting married again, Jess and I wanted you to hear it from me," the magazine reports Lachey as telling Jessica during a 40-minute phone call.

According to the report he claimed that there is a good chance they will be married by the end of the year.

So - why did he call Jessica?

His brother Drew believed it would be a good idea, and Nick still cares for Jessica and didn't want to see her hurt, the article claims. The news came a shock to Simpson. "She knew Nick and Jessica were serious, but this threw her for a loop," a friend of Jessica's dished to the magazine.

"She did her best to contain her emotions."

Personally, I’m against containing emotions. Because somehow, no matter how often you try to take the high road, you end up acting out and being misunderstood. And then your labeled as “crazy” or “unstable” and then you have to go on “sabbatical”. And just because your car is on fire doesn’t mean I hate you. It personifies my burning and undying love for you. Grow up. It’s called symbolism.

THE LOST SEINFELD EPISODE

2006-12-14T08:09:00.000-05:00

If you are offended by the n-bomb, Seinfeld, and an amalgamation of Seinfeld episodes, do not click on the video below. If however, you are a Seinfeld fan and have been following recent events, you are going to love this. It is both hysterical and brilliant.

Thanks to Stallion for the “hot tip”.

CAMERON DIAZ THINKS HEP-C IS HOT

2006-12-14T07:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, we read about how much she loves sex. But like a delicate, lesbian flower, Cameron Diaz opens up even further. Pr-inside reports:

'The Holiday' actress - who is romancing singer Justin Timberlake - admits she fell for Pammie as a teenager when she saw the buxom blonde clad in a skin-tight red swimsuit on 'Baywatch'.She told Gay magazine The Advocate: "I had a major girl-crush on Pamela Anderson. Still do - she's hot as ever - but she was my first. When I first discovered her I was like, 'Wow, she's so beautiful!'" Cameron, 34, also confessed her friends would not be surprised if she came out as a lesbian because she is so open about her appreciation of the female form.

I think it’s more like they wouldn’t be surprised if she came out as a lesbian because she’s dating Justin Timberlake. And I was going to make fun of her for liking Pam Anderson, but then then I saw a preview of Pam in January’s Playboy. And she is smoking hot. And I decided right there and then….I’ve gone lesbian for Photoshop. Do you hear me Adobe Photoshop? I love you! I LOVE YOU WITH THE RED HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS.

EVERYBODY LOVED PETER BOYLE

2006-12-14T07:03:00.000-05:00

Peter Boyle, the actor who played the hilariously grouchy father on "Everybody Loves Raymond" as the final note of a distinguished career that also included a memorable role in Mel Brooks' "Young Frankenstein," has died. He was 71
.
Boyle died Tuesday evening at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He had been suffering from multiple myeloma and heart disease, said his publicist, Jennifer Plante.

The video below isn’t good quality, but shows Peter Boyle at his best.

Addendum to post: Here is Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein. It's YOUTUBE day!

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.13.06

2006-12-13T12:23:00.000-05:00

Was Sly Stallone the brain behind the “Richard Gere’s Gerbilgate”? (celebitchy)

Gray’s Anatomy Spoiler..click it…click it..you know you want to….(seriously omg)

Harriet Carter – Earth Angel (IBBB)

Cameron Diaz rides Justin Timberlake like a Harley on a bad stretch of road (yeeeah!)

GUESS what kind of implants Ashlee Simpson is getting? (agent bedhead)

Jude Law plans on destroying Christmas for his children (junkiness)

Katheryn McPhee is beautiful in her OK photoshoot (pop on the pop)

Santa saw you masturbating. Yes. He did. (the onion)

*image 'right clicked/saved as' from Celebitchy.

DEVITO WAS JUST KIDDING

2006-12-13T08:45:00.000-05:00

As outrage grows over Rosie’s “ChingChong” joke, Danny DeVito has decided to remove himself from the debacle by saying his public drunkenness was nothing but a joke. TMZ reports:

Danny DeVito says his wacky appearance on "The View" was the result of being "groggy" after a wild night with George Clooney ... not because he was drunk.The funnyman appeared to be wasted during the chat show, which included a rant against President Bush -- much of which was bleeped out by censors. He also cursed the "seven limoncellos" he drank the previous night. In his first TV appearance since the incident, DeVito tried to clear up the situation last night on CNBC's "Conversations with Michael Eisner," telling the media mogul, "I was funny ... I was a little groggy ... I was joking, that was a joke." Ah, c'mon, that's a little Mickey Mouse.

Apparently Danny was drunk during that too because I have no idea why you would drag Mickey Mouse into it. Anyway…

I too, like to come into work and "pretend" I’m drunk. Oh, you should see their faces when I tell them I love them and ask them if they want to see my tattoo. Then, when I’ve been sent to Human Resources, I tell them it was all an elaborate ruse and I don’t need the 800 number to the “Employee Help Line” and that AA is for quitters. And that whole thing with the cops "escorting" me into the parking lot with the lights on, was just a joke. What...you didn't think that was funny? C'mon. That was pure comedy gold.

CHRISTMAS 2.0

2006-12-13T08:17:00.000-05:00

Good Morning! 10 Zen Monkeys has a nice post called: Christmas 2.0: Subverting the Holidays With Re-dubbing, where you can witness our traditional Christmas favorites morph into new, timeless classics like Frosty the Raging Anarchist or A Charlie Brown Christmas – Alternate Ending. I thought it would be nice to be able to start you off with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – The Unrated Version. Enjoy watching this with your morning coffee (turn the sound down).

Wahoo-Doray, let the bastardization of Christmas begin!

Thanks to Junkiness for the tip.

KIRSTIE ALLEY WANTS US TO STOP MAKING FUN OF SCIENTOLOGY

2006-12-12T07:32:00.000-05:00

Oh yea? Give us a reason not to. Pr-inside reports:

Former CHEERS star KIRSTIE ALLEY has had enough of the criticism the Church of Scientology receives and wants the media to start poking fun at other religions.The actress, a fervent Scientologist, suggests it's unfair that her chosen religion is always wrapped up in controversy and it's members considered cultist nuts.She says, "Why is it OK that Scientology gets slammed? A bigot is a bigot is a bigot."You would never come out and say Catholics are weird or 'Jews are weird' that's nothing short of bigotry. And it should be defended by every other religion in this world, because they're next." "For me, Scientology is, 'Let me make some oars and get in the boat and paddle myself across...' That's how you get to the other side."

I'm thinking when the founder of your religion is also a science fiction author, and you've got Tom Cruise as your poster boy, and all your holidays suck , then your religion is going to have some credibility issues. Face it. Ther are far too many reasons to make fun of it and not enough reasons not to.

JENNIFER ANISTON HAS NO SELF ESTEEM

2006-12-12T06:46:00.000-05:00

I’m thinking K-fed either has Kevorka or we are on the cusp of Armageddon and I’m waiting for K-Fed to open his shirt and show us the mark of the beast. Celebitchy reports:

After hanging out with former ‘Friends’ costars, Jen made for Club Citrus with some gal pals for some laughs and what became a few too many Limoncello’s. Jen was first introduced to the high-octane cocktail in Italy by the same guy that sent his pal Danny DeVito to be on “The View” while he was in a state of mild delirium.

And what other newly exed celeb happened to be in the same place, slamming a Colt 45 while wearing a too-large-for-his-frame velour sweatsuit? None other than FedEx and his posse, all of whom went nuts when they saw Jen. My sources tell me they spent the rest of the night in a private area, making fun of their exes.

When the lights of the club finally came on, the two were seen escaping into the shadows through a back door. Citrus owner Peter Chin, always tight-lipped about his mega-star clientele, would neither confirm nor deny the story, then gave me his signature ‘wink.’

Jennifer Anniston’s self-esteem is in the shitter big time. You figure you have no where to go but down once you were married to Brad Pitt, but taking up Britney Spears’ leftovers? Now that's a cry for help my friends.

But more importantly, I feel compelled to stick up for Limoncello. Its been getting a bad rap lately and starting to get blamed for things. That's like having an arsonist standing next to a burned down house and then blaming it on the fire. I know Limoncello, and we've had nothing but good times together. I think.

LINDSAY'S COOCH IMMORTALIZED IN SONG

2006-12-12T06:07:00.000-05:00

There is a band called “Spank Rock” doing a song called "Lindsay's Revenge" comparing Lindsay’s cooch to a baby rat. I did a Google search looking for a bald, disfigured red rat to personify said cooch, but there wasn't anything, so behold the closest thing I could come up with. Abby’s description of “hollowed out ballsac” rhymes with rat but they didn’t use it. Should have though.

Click here to listen.

A shout out to the uber-spankable Teresa Marie for the tip.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.11.06

2006-12-11T16:57:00.000-05:00

Unseen Marilyn Monroe Pictures (dailymail)

A fascinating read about the life of a city squirrel (yahoo)

Paris and Nicky get a little incestuous (news of the world)

Get your ‘insiders’ update here (crazy days and nights)

John Stamos to play a gay wedding planner (agent bedhead)

Courtney love thinks she might have gotten another STD (junkiness)

Eva Longoria shoves her ring in our collective faces (seriously? omg!)

Gwen Stephani does TRL (yeeah!)

BUSTED! NICOLE RICHIE ARRESTED FOR DUI

2006-12-11T13:20:00.000-05:00

Same story...different "celebrity". Nicole Richie got popped this morning for driving under the influence. TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned that Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI early Monday morning. She was booked at 4:50 AM today and was released around 7:15 this morning. The booking sheet reveals Richie is 5'1" and 85 lbs.We're told two motorists spotted her SUV going the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank. The drivers called 911.When the CHP responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cellphone.Law enforcement officers tell TMZ Nicole Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot. A preliminary alcohol screening device revealed that Nicole was not under the influence of alcohol.

I could come up with something catty or snarky but I'm not going to because frankly, I've used up all my "dumbfuck" jokes on Britney, Paris and Lindsay. I'm spent. Give it 30 minutes and a story will be out: "Concerned Lionel Whisks Nicole to Rehab". And unless Lionel is sporting a massive 'fro, breaks into a rousing rendition of "Brick House"AND drops the N-bomb, I'm ignoring it.

ROSIE O'DONNELL IS A HYPOCRITE

2006-12-11T12:50:00.000-05:00

I find it curious that someone who is constantly voicing her “view” and acting as the pundit of all that is “politically correct” is now telling Asians to “get over it”. TMZ reports:

She may not have used the N-word, but that doesn't mean Rosie O'Donnell is in the clear when it comes to race relations. According to Page 6, Asian-Americans are fuming at "The View" host for saying that Danny DeVito's drunken antics made headlines in China that read: 'Ching chong, ching ching chong, Danny DeVito!""The use of the distorted phrases is insulting to the Chinese and Chinese-Americans, and gives the impression that they are a group that is substandard to English-speaking people," says the Asian-American Journalists Association. But Rosie's rep thinks they just don't get it: "I certainly hope that one day they will be able to grasp her humor."

You know what? I wouldn’t be disgusted with it if she didn’t get on her high horse when someone says something she doesn’t like. Her latest bullshit was calling out Kelly Ripa who didn’t like having her mouth covered by Clay Aiken. Rosie decided it was gay bashing even though that comment could be made to anyone who would put their hands over your mouth without permission. Now Rosie makes a comment like this and tells the offended to get over it? Get over YOURSELF, bitch. Your opinion is just that...an opinion. You are not the benchmark for political correctness. And a little humilty wouldn't kill you.

Witness her stupidity for yourself:

TORI SPELLING'S YARD SALE A SUCCESS

2006-12-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

Oh thank God....the yardsale was a success. I was worried she might have to attempt a comeback. And now..we all know where she lives.

Click here to enter the yard sale Portal...

THE PIT OF DESPAIR

2006-12-11T00:38:00.000-05:00

Step right up! Step right up! Behold the cavernous “Pit of Despair”. Don't mind the smell tuna and bengay!! Only the brave can cast their eyes upon such a monstrosity....

Enter only if you dare...

TRUTHINESS NOW JOINS THE LEXICOGRAPHICAL PANTHEON

2006-12-11T00:32:00.000-05:00

The 2006 Word of the Year is: Truthiness. Yahoo reports:

After 12 months of naked partisanship on Capitol Hill, on cable TV and in the blogosphere, the word of the year for 2006 is ... "truthiness."

The word — if one can call it that — best summed up 2006, according to an online survey by dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster.

"Truthiness" was credited to Comedy Central satirist Stephen Colbert, who defined it as "truth that comes from the gut, not books."

"We're at a point where what constitutes truth is a question on a lot of people's minds, and truth has become up for grabs," said Merriam-Webster president John Morse. "`Truthiness' is a playful way for us to think about a very important issue."

Other Top 10 finishers included "war," "insurgent," "sectarian" and "corruption." But "truthiness" won 5-to-1, Morse said.

Colbert, who once derided the folks at Springfield-based Merriam-Webster as the "word police" and a bunch of "wordinistas," was pleased.

"Though I'm no fan of reference books and their fact-based agendas, I am a fan of anyone who chooses to honor me," he said in an e-mail to The Associated Press.

"And what an honor," he said. "Truthiness now joins the lexicographical pantheon with words like `squash,' `merry,' `crumpet,' `the,' `xylophone,' `circuitous,' `others' and others."

Excellent. That's going to be my site disclaimer. Everything I write on Spank Cheeks is based on "truthiness." Shortest. Disclaimer. Ever.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.08.06

2006-12-08T14:03:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what a children’s book about Pete Dougherty would be like? (agentbedhead)

David Hasselhoff has daughters and they’re getting a reality show (seriously? omg!)

Al Gore and Barak Obama keeping their distance from Lohan (tmz)

Madonna and husband Guy Richie argue loudly in public about what a controlling POS she is (celebitchy)

Cameron Diaz Does it Doggy Style (yeeeah!)

Because everyone flashes their cooter now-a-days, Paris embarks on next publicity stunt (pop on the pop)

Ahem. Indian men! Your plight is nearly over (junkiness)

Lindsay Lohan’s cutting is confirmed. She’s giving off so many cries for help..and yet, no one will. Go figure. (cityrag)

BARNEY CHANNELS TUPAC

2006-12-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

LADY IN RED

2006-12-08T08:05:00.000-05:00

Jessica Simpson wasn't the only person embarrassed at the Kennedy Center event the other night. First Lady Laura Bush was one of four women who wore the same dress. CBS reports:

As CBS News correspondent Thalia Assurasreports, that's exactly what happened to first lady Laura Bush at Sunday's Kennedy Center Honors, always one of Washington's biggest nights for stars, and glamorous fashion. With guests in the spotlight at the exclusive White House receptions that go with the ceremony, the designer gowns are always scrutinized. And on Sunday, four women at the reception wore the exact same $8,500 Oscar de la Renta dress, Mrs. Bush among them.

Click here to see what some would call a fashion faux pas (personally, I'd file it under "clusterfuck").

THE SIMPSONS...

2006-12-08T07:40:00.000-05:00

*start playing the theme song in your head*

Jessica’s mom is bullshit about her daughter messing up the 9-5 song in front of Dolly Parton and thinks Jessica should get out of the business if she’s not willing to put in the work. Of course, Papa Joe called it cute. I don’t think either one of them are going to have to fight Jessica’s career much longer. Stick a fork in it. It’s done.

Click here to read about her mother verbally spank her. And below, is what her mom is so mad about.

IF LEGS WERE BRAINS....

2006-12-08T06:02:00.000-05:00

Heather Mills would be missing half of hers. The Daily mail reports:

Heather Mills has taken the extraordinary step of representing herself in court to reduce mounting legal bills in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney.

Ms Mills has dispensed with barristers charging as much as £15,000 a day in her latest legal action against McCartney.

The source said Ms Mills has retained the services of London law firm Mishcon de Reya in the main divorce battle over money and custody of three-year-old daughter Beatrice.

But in the ancillary action, she appeared as a litigant in person without professional help. The source said: "She is an intelligent woman and felt she was capable of handling this."

The "source" is smoking crack. If she was that intelligent, she would know she is one of the most hated women in the world right now and she needs all the help she can get. But she’s a lying whore and used to defending herself and she’s probably an expert in trying to get johns to pay her by now. So it’s really just same old same old.

I'm going to putll that oldie but goodie out of the closet again and just say it….that bitch doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Ha! That never gets old.

GET YOUR WANNABE ON

2006-12-08T06:00:00.000-05:00

You ever see something you like but you can't have it? Besides your girlfriend's husband? Well, have I got a website for you. Have you ever seen something on these celebrity blogs that you would love to have? For me, it's Jessica Simpson's shoes and purse in this post.

So, check it out. You can go to this website and do a visual search on any of the celebrities they have featured. Jessica Biel's shoes? Yup. Beyonce's earrings? Got you covered, beeatch. Brad Pitt's watch? Yup, that too. Just in time for Christmas.

Click here.

49th ANNUAL GRAMMY NOMINEES ANNOUNCED

2006-12-07T12:28:00.000-05:00

Just like the title says, the 49TH Annual Grammy Nominees were announced today, for recordings released during the Eligibility YearOctober 1, 2005 through September 30, 2006. Grammy.com says:

Mary J. Blige tops the nominations with eight, while Red Hot Chili Peppers garner six, James Blunt, the Dixie Chicks, John Mayer, Danger Mouse, Prince, Rick Rubin, will.i.am and John Williams each earn five nods. Beyoncé, Bryan-Michael Cox, Gnarls Barkley, Israel Houghton, T.I and Justin Timberlake receive four each.

Somebody get Kanye's binky and his woobie. STAT!!

Click here to read a list of all the nominations.

FRECKLED TRAINWRECK THAT IS LOHAN

2006-12-07T11:38:00.000-05:00

Back in the day, drinking and dialing used to be the thing you wanted to avoid. In this new age of technology, it’s drinking and and typing. Page Six Reports:

LINDSAY Lohan is preparing to clean up her image and go to war with the media with the help of a high-powered friend - former Vice President Al Gore.

"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me," Lohan wrote last week in a rambling, semi-literate e-mail to her friends and lawyers.

In the bizarre message read by Page Six, Lohan burbled, "If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."

Would be willing to what, exactly? You’ve got to read the rest of it. You need to read about the “Way of the Future….”

Invoking what she puzzlingly calls the "way of the future-Howard Hughes," her desire is to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press."

Lohan says she wants to state her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."

You know what I'd like to see? I’d really like to see her shut the fuck up next. Maybe she will. If I ask. If I just ASK. But I’m a fucking hypocrite. This morning I had an email from Ebay saying that I’m the “high bidder” on an item and don't remember bidding on anything. Now I’m committed to buying this. Moral of the story? Don’t drink and type and don’t drink and E-bay.

LINDSAY LOHAN IS A SPITTER

2006-12-07T08:17:00.000-05:00

The bloated and bemused Lindsay Lohan was at a party recently and grossed people out. The National Enquirer reports:

Talk about a shocking breach of decency and sanitation…Mean Grrl LINDSAY LOHAN grossed eyewitnesses at a Hollywood industry bash when she snaked out a paw as a waiter passed by with hors d’oeuvres, popped one in her mouth, then shrieked, “This tastes like s***” – and spit it back onto the tray! As eyes rolled, Ms. Train Wreck snagged a napkin and daintily patted her pie-hole as the horrified waiter tossed his napkin over her disgusting spit-out, stalked straight to the kitchen and dumped the contaminated tray! (Dude, you shoulda sold it on eBay!)

I know, The National Enquirer. But like I heard this guy tell his wife in line at the grocery store the other day, “There has to be some truth behind what they print or they’d be getting sued ALL the time”. And I thought yea, that’s true. That’s why my court appointed attorney told me I can’t sue Han Dynasty when I get random phone calls at closing time looking for a “good time”. I am a good time and it happens to say so in the men’s room over the 3rd urinal. Now, if they said “for a bad time call”, I’d have a case. And I’d be drinking mai-tais right now and be knee deep in crab rangoons. But I'm not. And this is why I have to work for a living.

OPINIONS FROM THE BRAINTRUST

2006-12-07T08:01:00.000-05:00

Here’s something to make your head spin. I thought it was the hangover but I’m pretty sure it was reading this article. Courtney Love and Janice Dickinson have decided we need to know what they think about Britney Spears’ parenting skills. Pot! Kettle! Black! Oh and can I just tell you.…I’m in front of the liquor store but Loretta from the shelter was here before me. Can you imagine being that desperate to be here at 7:30 a.m.? Why not wait until a civilized hour like…8:00 am? God. That’s why this town is going to the dogs.

Click here to read about Courtney and Janice’s take on Britney’s parenting skills.

PEREZ HILTON ON HOWARD STERN

2006-12-07T07:41:00.000-05:00

I know a lot of you hate him. I don’t hate him. He makes me laugh with his sophmoric and mean retort. It satisfies the mean girl in me, what can I tell you. But love him or hate him, Perez Hilton is taking it up the ass for the rest of us bloggers at the moment, even if it is by his own doing. A lot of bloggers give him shit for not paying for the pictures he uses on his site, but how many of us do? How many of us can, is the real question. It's very expensive to buy the rights to imagry. And although he does get over 4 million hits a day and he can afford it, this whole case is going to bring to light the very fact that there are thousands of bloggers who borrow imagry and the outcome could potentially impact the rest of us.

So depending on the outcome of his trial, “right click, save as” will be a thing of the past and then we’ll have to depend on solely our writing skills. And that scares me because I don’t have skills. Well, I do….says so over the 3rd urinal but it has nothing to with writing -- you know what I’m saying.

Anyway, Perez was on Howard Stern yesterday…and it was a good interview. Click here for the lowdown.

Sidebar: Britney Spears thanks God for Victoria's Secret.

BRITNEY SPEARS NOT BEING INVESTIGATED

2006-12-07T07:37:00.000-05:00

There was rumorage yesterday about Social Services coming to investigate Britney because she’s been out partying. But I guess it’s a bunch of shit. TMZ reports:

Reports are circulating that the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services has paid a visit to Britney Spears because of her recent hard partying. I'm told that is simply not the case.Reliable sources in the world of Britney tell me DCFS never questioned the panty-challenged singer about her late-night clubbing. I'm getting a sense that the agency may have questioned Spears in the recent past as a follow-up to the seat belt incident earlier this year. Of course, Brit aficionados remember that DCFS went to her Malibu home after learning that Sean Preston was a passenger in the car she was driving and he was not strapped in. No action was taken in that case.

Well, that’s a load off of my mind. Because I don’t want kids to get in the way of my hard partying lifestyle, and rumor has it I have some kids I don’t know about. And that’s tricky when you’re a lady. And I really don’t need anyone trying to cramp my style when I'm "clubbing" at the methadone clinic or when I’m vying for first in line at the liquor store in the morning. Which reminds me...

NO BELL CAN SAVE YOU FROM THIS

2006-12-06T19:47:00.000-05:00

I interrupt my current Merlot imbibement to bring you something you will curse me and dare I say…hate me for. But I feel it’s my obligation to mentally accost you and leave you unable to sleep. At least give me credit for not leaving it for morning, while you are eating breakfast or at work. Unless you are the Night Security Guy, in which case it doesn’t matter because you are sitting there with your pants off already. I know about you people.

I give to you, in it’s full and complete entirety, the Screech “Dirty Sanchez” video.

And I’ll have you know watching this had the reverse effect that regular porn has. Dried right up like the Sahara.

I don’t think there is enough Merlot left in the box to make me okay with any of this.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.06.06

2006-12-06T07:49:00.000-05:00

I'm really sorry about this but today I've got to ask you to Spank It Yourself. All day.

Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn are all done. Oo, Shocker. (I’m not obsessed)

Jenny McCarthy has no plans on getting married to Jim Carrey (popsugar)

Andy Dick drops the N-bomb. He must have a black power hair pick too (defamer)

Carmen Electra is giving us tits for Christmas!!! Woot! (hollywood tuna)

J-Lo doesn’t spend much time thinking about “those girls” (a socialite’s life)

Beyonce dishes out an array of backhanded compliments towards Jennifer Hudson (tmz)

Lane Garrison used to live with Jessica Simpson and Papa Joe (evil beet)

Lance Bass has either moved on or hired an escort (page six)

Tori Spelling is having a yard sale..ha ha ha ha ha (perezhilton)

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.05.06

2006-12-05T16:39:00.000-05:00

Fergie performs drunk at the Billboard Awards (celebitchy)

Reading about Jessica Simpson’s fuck up of 9-5 was better than watching it (mollygood)

Don’t H8 – Ebay Auctions for PS3s (don’t be a h8r)

Please don’t break my big gay heart (the evil beet)

Guide to celebrity apologies (cityrag)

Scarlett Johannson loves her ta-tas (pop on the pop)

Read about an A-list 60+actor who starts drinking in the morning and can’t get a woman to sleep with him more than once (crazy days and nights)

Dreamgirls premiers in New York (popsugar)

GUESSING GAME

2006-12-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

Just asking from Page Six wants to know:

-- WHICH recently separated celeb has a new habit to go along with her new friends? The cutie is spending way too much time in the bathroom of the many clubs she visits, hoovering down cocaine that her pals supply her with . . . WHICH hard-partying Hollywood starlet has club cocktail waitresses fueling rumors of rehab by whispering that the actress cuts her coke with strawberry Quik? . . . WHICH new pair of best friends are actually more? When they get back to their hotels or homes, the clothes come off.

Well?

MADONNA'S MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS

2006-12-05T08:08:00.000-05:00

What? A problem with this marriage you’ve got to be kidding me. Female First reports:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reportedly been seeing a marriage counsellor in a desperate bid to save their six-year union.

The 'Hung Up' singer and her film director husband have allegedly been seeing top marital therapist Tricia Barnes after their relationship hit "rock bottom", following the couple's controversial adoption of a Malawi baby.

A source told Britain's People newspaper: "The marriage is near rock-bottom. They've been putting on a united front in public but behind closed doors their marriage has come under strain. The publicity surrounding the adoption has created a difficult atmosphere in their home. After a heart-to-heart they decided to seek the help of a marriage guidance specialist."

There were reports that he had reservations about adopting David, and I had a sneaking suspicion that Guy Richie really agreed with me. Before you know it she’ll be reinventing herself again as the victim who has been baptized by fire into the drudges of single-motherdom. And she’ll be whining about it on Oprah with all the sincerity of a woman who just adopted a Malawi orphan for all the right reasons. Then there will be another sucky children’s book for her to sell on Home Shopping Network about children and divorce; where she'll deliver that with about as much personality as someone who drank a bottle of scotch with a rufie chaser, can muster.

LINDSAY LOHAN IS A ZOMBIE HIPPIE

2006-12-05T07:45:00.000-05:00

Lindsay Lohan showed up to Britney’s 25th birthday party, where she wandered aimlessly in the parking lot flashing a peace sign, and never went inside. I’m thinking it wasn't a peace sign but just the letter V. Which stands for Vagina and to expect a sighting.

Check out the coked up, rabbit fur ensconsed zombie hippie at X17.

GWYNETH IS 'SORRY'

2006-12-05T07:35:00.000-05:00

Now she's claiming she's been misquoted. Fuck you Gwyneth. People Reports:

This is what I said. I said that Europe is a much older culture and there's a difference. I always say in America, people live to work and in Europe, people work to live. There are positives in both," says the actress, adding, "Obviously I need to go back to seventh-grade Spanish!"

I can only guess her publicist mentioned maybe dissing the country that made her homely ass famous might have been a bad idea. Yea, Gweneth, Europe is much older culture. You might remember that they escaped religious persecution and came to the NEW WORLD, called AMERICA to an area they dubbed NEW ENGLAND to demonstrate their independence from the British Crown. They even made a holiday around it called “Thanksgiving”. AND, they don’t speak Spanish in Portugal, so you've got more to deal with than your 7th grade Spanish.

You’re not upset you were misquoted…you just realized you bit the hand that holds your paycheck.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.04.06

2006-12-04T13:17:00.000-05:00

Lane Garritson from “Prison Break” in SUV accident that killed 17 year old (tmz)

There is a mathematical equation that proves Renee Zellweger is ugly (yeeeah!)

Jessica Simpson screws up the song “9-5” then walks offstage (seriously? omg!)

Sexiest pig alive dies (junkiness)

Agent Bedhead is excellent at hating Gwenyth Paltrow (agent bedhead)

Last Night VH1 Awards Pics (pop on the pop)

Eddie Murphy in the running for an Oscar? (Malibu)

Posh house hunting next to the Cruises (daily mail)

Lance and Riechen call it quits (a socialite’s life)

GWENETH PALTROW: AMERICA HATER

2006-12-04T07:48:00.000-05:00

English men must be able to dick-whip a woman into hating America. Breitbart reports:

I love the English lifestyle, it's not as capitalistic as America. People don't talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner," she told "NS," the weekend magazine supplement of daily Portuguese newspaper Diario de Noticias on Saturday.

"I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans," the 34-year-old added.

Paltrow, who won a best actress Oscar for 1998's "Shakespeare in Love," lives in London with British band Coldplay's frontman Chris Martin whom she wed in 2003.

She said having US pop star Madonna, 48, who married British film director Guy Ritchie six years ago, nearby was another advantage to living in London.

"She's like an older sister. Everything I have gone through, she went through ten times worse and ten times longer. She gives me good advice about how to say no and take care of myself," said Paltrow.

“Please sir, may I have some more? Tally-ho, Thank you Governor, Have you got anything without Spam in it? God save the Queen, Cheerio.” I don’t know what it is about marrying a pasty white skinned man with rotting teeth that makes a woman turn her back against the red, white and blue. Good Going, America-hater. Enjoy “civilization” while you can, because Courtney Love is en route.

And for we American's who don't understand what she means when she says that the English are much more intelligent and civilized than we are, here is something for reference. I don't know about you guys but I'm sure glad we have fire in America. And the wheel.

OPRAH USES THE "N" WORD

2006-12-04T00:11:00.000-05:00

I think I’ve just found my loophole to use the “N” word with wild abandon, if I wanted to. Page Six reports:

DON'T feel bad, Michael Richards - Gayle King and Oprah Winfrey use the "N-word" all the time! Though Oprah has been very vocal about her distaste for the word on her show, King told her XM Radio listeners while discussing Richards' racist outburst, "You know, I have to say, in the privacy of my own home, with my closest friends, who shall remain nameless, you know, we have - we have used that [word] when we're talking about other people. So I go back and forth between a term of endearment, sometimes, the way it's used, and just a very hateful, bad thing."

I was black for a short time in the 70’s. I got a really bad perm and my mother went to the store to get me a pick and being off the boat Irish, had no idea what she was doing when she brought home the “black power” hair pick . She just wanted me to be able to fluff my frizz with style. If Gayle says they use it as a term of endearment and Oprah is an Oreo..then her inner white woman is using the N word. And I’m a white woman with a black power pick. If you don’t like my rationale, I have to say to you is, “Nigga, please” But I say that as a term of endearment you cracker ass cracker! Check me out epitaphin’ everywhere. I just called you black and white. I'm an enigma.

And it's okay because Oprah does it.

TOMKAT'S WEDDING VIDEO

2006-12-03T14:04:00.000-05:00

I think I'd like them better if they really did do it this way.

C|NET EDITOR AND BLOGGER MISSING

2006-12-03T11:24:00.000-05:00

It’s no secret that there is a special place in my heart for anything IT, computer, gadget or blogger related and that includes the geeks behind them. So it was disturbing to read that James Kim (the Senior Editor of CNET and Crave Blogger), and his family have gone missing. CNET reports:

The 35-year-old Kim, his 30-year-old wife Kati and daughters Penelope (4 years) and Sabine (7 months) left their home in San Francisco last week on a Thanksgiving road trip to the Pacific Northwest. Before the Denny's sighting on Saturday, November 25, they had last been seen earlier that day in Portland, Ore., according to the SFPD's missing persons' report.

Search efforts had been busy in Curry County, where Gold Beach, the family's reported destination for last Saturday evening, is located. But after a multi-agency search involving snowmobiles, a Sno-Cat and helicopters including a UH-60 Blackhawk, there's still no sign of the Kims' 2005 silver Saab 9-2X station wagon with California personalized plates of "DOESF."

Those fruitless efforts, combined with news of the Denny's sighting in Roseberg at about 8 p.m. on November 25 gives Lt. Dennis Dinsmore, of the Curry County Sheriffs' Department, "no indication in any way that they ever reached" his county.

I hope they find them safe and sound. That's really all I can say. I did have some commentary but it would be in poor taste. But I’ll tell you this much. It invovolved lightsabres, Windows XP and Playstation 3.

SPANK IT YOURSELF 12.02.06

2006-12-02T12:44:00.000-05:00

Jack Nicholson says shaving is for pussies. (bwe)

I just got sucked into a timewarp. Best. Looney Toon. Ever. (cityrag)

She wasn’t wasted, she was just tired. Ok. Then explain the hat. (popsugar)

Beyonce’s video for “Listen”. Check it out (the bosh)

Kramer’s apology tour is pulling into the station (defamer)

Like a lot of my friends, AA is a place you go before you go to the bar. It makes you feel like you’re trying. (the bastardly)

That lawyer keeps taunting us with his crazy “I can tell you but I can’t tell you puzzles” (crazy days and nights)

Excellent commentary on the whole Perez Hilton getting sued thing (the evil beet)

Ha ha ha ha….Letterman totally sets up Richard Simmons and his stupid steamer (celebitchy)

Kramer to pay up and apologize to his “victims”. (dlisted)

Fergie looks like ass for a reason (hollywood tuna)

Hillary Swank’s Pirelli pics are just okay (egotistic)

Nicole Kidman makes an assload of money (idlyitw)

Vogue vehemently denies photoshopping Kate Winslet. Then all I have to say is wow (faded youth)

KARMA IS A FRY COOK

2006-12-01T13:43:00.000-05:00

There really is a thing called Karma. And this time, Karma is a fry cook telling Paris Hilton to fuck off and go to Wendy's.

Click here to watch Paris beg for food.